Normal behaviour?

[Anonaonanon]

I just want opinions on this scenario. Obviously there's a lot more going on but I'm asking about this scenario in isolation because I wonder if maybe I am just selfish and expecting too much and can't trust my own perceptions anymore.

Been with partner 10 years, two children; one his and one mine.

Partner has an air con unit, when his brother died it was one thing he has from his house. For context, his brother had mental health issues and nobody bothered with him, despite me telling my partner on numerous occasions that he should visit him and check in on him.

Obviously the weather has been boiling and like many places we had 34°C weather, house was boiling (especially upstairs) and nobody really got sleep. DP sleeps downstairs in his "games" room, long story but he chooses to. He has the air con unit and has been sleeping downstairs with it on all night and sitting in the room all day with it on. I asked if we could take it to the childrens room to cool it before bed and he said "no, it's mine not yours. If you want air con you can busy it yourself with all your money...oh wait, you can't afford it". It just blows my mind because if I had air conditioning, I would go without it for the kids. I don't even expect him to care about me, but his own child? He would even go up to his room in the evening and say how hot it was. We would all be awake early having not slept due to be heat and he was having lie ins in his air conditioned room.

Several times I asked if he could please share it with the children and each time was told "no it's mine..it was my gift from my deceased brother. It's not yours". I said I don't expect him to care about me but what about the children, again he just said if I want one I can buy it. I eve asked if we could just roll it init the living room (where I was with my children) for a bit to cool the room down, again was told "no, it's heavy and you can't move it yourself and I'm not helping you, so if you want it you do it".

Then on Thursday I invited around a friend and her son to play with our son. 2 hours before she came, he puts the air con into the living room. He starts telling me proudly that he's out it in the living room. I just looked at him and said "why, I've been asking you for days to share it and you refused". So he said "well if you don't want it I'll take it back"...so we got a few hours of the air con when guest came over on the last day of the heat wave.

Be honest, was I being selfish in expecting him to share it with the children? I just looked at 2 of my friends, both who have husbands who went out and bought and air con unit and set it up for the family.

So no, it wasn't a gift from his brother specifically, just something he took from his brother's house when clearing it out. His brother had mental health issues and was basically ignored by the family (due to embarrassment I expect).

Yes, I've long since taken the stance of "I don't expect you to care about me", "I know you hate me but...". He is awful to me.

We are going on a family holiday to his dad's villa, we go every year and I don't get a say. It's the only holiday we go on. It's hell for me there, you can't walk anywhere, I feel trapped and he's nasty to me and hates going out, gets angry when we need food shopping etc. we usually book tickets together but he refused this year. He said that I can book for myself. It emerged it meant myself and my two children and he just booked for him and his eldest. After months of deliberation he basically text me at 4.45 on a Tues saying this is the date we are going, it's getting booked now. I said that I need to check I can get the 2 weeks off work first and he said well you do it by tomorrow or I'm going regardless.

The next day I told him leave was confirmed and he told me to book the flights. I asked if we could wait until I came home and book them next to each other to ensure we got seats that are close and he refused, said "no book it now". He then told me I was paying for our joint son and refused to pay half..he said if I don't pay for his ticket then I obviously can't afford to go and I wasn't allowed to go. He then told me I should be grateful I'm getting his dad's villa for free. I am grateful and always thank him but I'm absolutely dreading it. He's also said he's not paying for any joint meals because I didn't pay for any last year. This is a complete lie because I did pay for half of the meals!!

I feel completely blackmailed in my life these days and if I don't do what he wants he just says "well don't come".
For context he is a very high earner, has hundreds of thousands in savings and can afford to drink every night and go to the pub. I have an educated with an NHS job but earn significantly less, so I can't afford as much as him and he uses it against me.

I don’t understand. Why do you want to go on holiday with this horrible man? Why do you want to live with him?

How do you live with this pig of a male?
Is it some cultural need?

I’d let him go on his holiday while sitting out paperwork….. for divorce and live happily ever after

Meant sorting

Moans when you need food for yourself and the children I apologise in advance ladies I don't think I've ever sworn on Mumsnet before but wow this poor excuse for a manis one fucking nasty horrible person.

He's not just abusing you,he's abusing his kids what kind of person makes his own partner and children suffer in a heatwave what the actual fuck.

Please ring women's aid absolutely awful abuse and quite frankly one of the worst I've read on here.

Then you go on your own holiday surely?
I guess you’re not married and you put with it all otherwise you be screwed financially?
if youvare married, then divorce, he can afford it.

He is a complete cunt

Wow. I had no words.

You said there are other issues going on. Is what I’ve quoted from you not enough to leave this waste of space?
I don’t often say LTB but I really think you should. Nobody should be treating you how he is.

OP, do you honestly think his behaviour is acceptable? Make an appointment to see a solicitor to see where you’d be financially in the event of a divorce

He is selfish,he only cares for himself.as long as he sleeps well and is cool,while everyone else swelters.then tries to make himself look the good guy for others.get rid, leave him to his selfishness all on his own.

What attracted you to this awful man in the first place?

Can this be real? If it is there are so many things wrong here that I don't even know where to start, so I'm not going to. Just leave him. LEAVE HIM. This isn't one of those MN knee-jerk situations where people gleefully yell 'LTB!' because he accidentally farted while watching telly together. This is the illustration of an absolutely awful, horrible, fucking pointless relationship that is setting a really bad example for your kids. Even if you are some kind of masochist who somehow enjoys being treated badly, stop exposing your kids to this because they will grow up thinking it's normal. It's not, in any way. Just go.

You need to leave. This is, at best, financial and emotional abuse. I suspect there's a lot more going on here too. Let him go on holiday on his own and use the time to get things sorted and go.

I can’t see no reason why you would want to live with this man, what a miserable situation.
Get yourself and your kids away from this abusive #%^€

You don't have to live like this.

Your children don't have to live with this.

Do the right thing and protect your children.

So he earns more? So what. He'll have to pay you maintenance and you might get UC. Living in a small, rented place alone is SO MUCH BETTER than the situation you're in now, where you've been led to believe this is normal.

None of his behaviour is normal and you know it isn't. He's an appalling excuse for a human being.

Is this the part time surgeon?

Part time surgeon????!!

? Partner time surgeon? Neither of us are surgeons.

We are not married and therefore when we separate it will be a struggle. I really don't want to go on the holiday and the only reason I am is because he said he will be taking our child regardless. I don't want him to take him abroad for two weeks and my child has never been away from me kre than a day. He knows this and it is why he was able to blackmail me into paying the flight cost.

I’m so sorry you and the kids are being treated like this. And you imply that there is more stuff. I honestly hate to think what that may be.
If you want to call or message (forward your posts here?)a domestic abuse charity they will listen and help you work out what you want to do next…. and what after that.

This is coercive control and you could report him to the police.

I’d start gathering any evidence you ca lay your hands on of how much he earns.

How do the children relate to him?

He can’t take your child abroad without your permission.

Ouch, shocking you are doubting 🤦‍♀️
ETA after reading your post about holiday. Why and how have you stated with this person for so many years and dubjected your children to this treatment. WTF?
You told in your OP tbat you would have gone w/o aircon for children... yet you smh chose not to go without d*ck in the house in this circumstances.

You’re in an abusive relationship with him and your own recovery from his abuse of you has not started yet.

It’s a struggle for you being with him so leaving him
will be a struggle but one with an end point. What goes bring with him fo for uou?. Nothing good comes if you bring with him This man is no good for you or your child. He is financially abusing you and is selfish to a fault. Did your dad treat your mother like this, what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You have a choice re this man, your child does not. How can you be helped into leaving your, dnf in third your child’s , abuser?

What does being with him do for you?

You undoubtedly would tell a friend in this situation to plan to leave so why can’t you take your own counsel here?.

To answer a few questions -

@JanFebAndOnwards if unreported him, who would believe me? How do I prove it and where do I live when we separate because I've reported him to the police?
He's also done something sexually to me that I didn't want but again, I can't prove anything.

@Marwoodsbigbreak but who will stop him? You don't get stopped or asked at the airport. I've been taking my other child away with me for years and despite having a different surname from me, nobody has ever asked me to prove his father provides consent. It's also difficult in reality when you have a child excited about going away, if I refuse he'll tell everyone I'm a psycho and denying our child a holiday.

@Animatic I don't stay with him because I'm desperate for "dick". I'm mentally broken and at rock bottom. Half the time I wish I didn't wake up in the mornings yet my greatest fear is that if I die our child will be brought up by him.

I know I need to leave but I'm deeply traumatised by the relationship. I can't leave and don't want him to leave me but I also despise him and have wished him dead- which I know makes me evil. I obviously haven't said this to his face.

@AttilaTheMeerkat there is not one positive aspect of this relationship. I less you include the fact he earns a lot more than me, so pays a larger share of bills- and I'm reminded of this every single day and it's used as a threat constantly.