Struggling to leave an abusive relationship despite knowing I need to

[Findingitsohard1]

I need a place to vent and NC for obvious reasons coming up.

I am struggling to leave my abusive relationship of 2 years. I do not live with him, which should make it so easy. It’s like I have some awful attachment to him, and every time I say it’s over I cannot seem to stick to my decision. He usually manipulates me with constant suicide threats, or threats in general and turns up at my house going absolutely ballistic at me and puts me into a position where I have no autonomy over myself. I’m his and that’s that.

I have recognised how severe the abuse is, however so is the gaslighting. The gaslighting is beyond anything I’ve ever known. Everything, and I mean everything is my fault. Never am I acknowledged when it comes to my feelings or trying to hold him accountable for any of his behaviour. Everything is just turned on me and it’s my fault. I’m a slag, im a slut im a whore, I must be cheating I must be trying to sleep with every man going. I must be neglecting my children (he hasn’t met them) to see another man. I must always be lying about my where abouts. I’m shady if I don’t tell him my every move. God forbid I try to speak about my feelings in person because his temper is out of control. He can really really frighten me. And the worst thing is? Police have been involved before, he had an order put in place to not come near me but no.. we bumped into each other and it was as though the rose tinted glasses popped back on and off we went! So I don’t even feel calling the police again is an option because I’ve ruined it.

I know I need therapy, I know I need to run I know I need to instil boundaries. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m young (30’s) attractive I keep myself in good shape I’m financially independent. I wouldn’t be short of offers IF I did want to date (which I do not) so why can’t I leave?! His suicide threats really bother me but not as much as they did.

im not expecting any positivity back, but I just needed to get this off my chest as I cannot speak to anyone about it in person. It’s very sad and no before anyone says it I do not want to end up dead. The above only skims the surface of the consistent mental abuse I endure. Sometimes it’s physical

thank you if you have got this far

Can I suggest that you start by speaking to Women's Aid or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline? They have vast experience of helping women get to a place where they're ready to leave. They can also signpost you to access therapy and support.

You know you need to end this relationship - if you stay, you are subjecting yourself to further misery and even danger. Physical abuse can escalate and the thought of your children being left without a mother is too awful to contemplate. Please reach out for help - it is there. You can also call the police anytime, it doesn't matter what you've done in the past. You deserve to have peace, safety and happiness again.

Thank you. I have tried calling women’s aid but I can never get through. I will try again.

I have told him this is abuse, and he bullies me 24/7. It gets denied, and then I’m the one who’s in trouble again “because of my actions”

It is honestly relentless. I have had enough.

He is currently blocked, and I’m usually then harassed my withheld caller calling which filters into my call list, and then he turns up..

Have you written about him before ?

If he turns up call the police. He broke his order not to contact you and so his abuse of you restarted.

Concentrate your energies on your children rather than he. He is a leech who will destroy you from
the inside out. Stop telling him
its abuse, he’s not interested in your opinion. These types of men hate women. All of them.

Your children also need you as an emotionally fully present mother rather than one who is constantly preoccupied by this man. He’s doing this because he can and he likely also targeted you deliberately because you’re a single parent.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Start with that and examine that in therapy. Also contact Womens Aid and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme. Read about trauma bonding to an abuser.

Love your own self for a change. He saw something in you he can and has indeed fully exploited, these men are master manipulators and I guess he was alL sweetness and light to begin with. These men do not walk around with abuser written on their forehead and indeed the abuse ramps up over time. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over you.

Any contact you make with him is a response which allows further communication so stop responding . That door needs to be firnly closed and never reopened.

His threats of suicide are just that and designed deliberately to keep you on the back foot. It’s a well
known tactic in the abusers arsenal. Do not respond to any attempts he makes to contact you. He needs to remain blocked at your end too. Call the police if he attempts to contact you ; they are versed in dealing with master manipulators.

Well it’s good you’re at least on here acknowledging this must end. You know that suicide threats are just another form of abuse right?

Are you a bit of a sucker for drama. Can you tell yourself it’s not exciting. It’s sordid and embarrassing to be treated in this way? Be a better parent and stop exposing them to this risk.

What’s actually keeping you back, if you really have to break it down ?

is it the fact he might hurt himself or the fear of him hurting you if you say it’s over ?

if the former , that’s on him

if the latter … I’d personally plan my escape now (I’d literally change address)

How old are your kids ? are you renting or homeowner ?

Every single time he threatens suicide, you call the police or the ambulance - for a welfare check

Iv been here OP.

the only advice I can give you is NC. Alert police and close family or friends. Stay with them if you have to.

i was in a position where i was gaslight so much that i genuinely fought a doctor over STI results convinced i was riddled despite only having slept with him.
i thought my phone was bugged. I could go on and on.

this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Dig deep, find the strength and put him no contact. You’re worth love and respect.

You really do need to call the police. They are very familiar with the cycle of abuse and will have dealt with many women who are caught in a pattern of believing their abuser will change before realising their mistake.

Please don’t let that be the thing that stops you from asking for help.

My ex swings between sending texts about suicide threats, confronting me at my house or soppy "I miss you". They at all an attempt to get a reaction and I know non of them are genuine. He's just wanting me to text back. I just ignore it and move on. He's blocked on social media but has my phone number. I keep all the texts as evidence just in case. Don't give in to these messages when you do break up. Remember what your worth and why you need to do this. Good luck x

Thank you to everyone for your replies - they are incredibly helpful.

PP asked if I love the drama which I know was a genuine question and not an attack, but I’d like to answer this - no, I do not. I think it’s to do with the fact that I know he has two sides to him, of course we know the nice side is the mask, but that is the side I am struggling to be without because of course it becomes rainbows again for all of maybe an hour (it’s currently that bad). I guess it’s also the threats that are stopping me though, and if he actually did hurt himself I know I would not be able to cope with that. I’m a huge empath, but I also know this is no life for me. He tears me down constantly, it’s excruciating.

I have posted about him before to answer another PP, but not for a long time.

I am away for the next week, so I am hoping this will break perhaps some sort of trauma bond I am experiencing. Sorry to hear of those that have also been here. The gaslighting is like nothing I’ve ever known

I apologise for being blunt but you need to be realistic about the fact that there is a far, FAR greater chance that he will hurt you than that he will hurt himself.

I encourage you to get yourself into therapy right away as your thinking is quite distorted (as you know).

The fact you've got children OP and you're still in this relationship is terrifying.

If you carry on with this, they're likely to grow up without you. Because he'll either kill you or they will be removed from your care.

For them if not yourself, stop this reckless behaviour.

Agreed

I have my head screwed on generally, however I seem to massively lack boundaries and self respect from this POV and I question what on earth is wrong with me. It’s embarrassing, upsetting and I don’t get why my self worth is on the floor. Never ever would I accept this for my DCs, so why me.

I agree, as the reality of this is sinking in which is why I have had to post about it, to really get it on paper and have myself shaken from all the posters here - the good and the bad to say what on earth are you doing, as I do not have that in person.

Thank you

A big part of why your self-worth is on the floor is because you’ve been in an abusive relationship. Lowering a partner’s self-worth and agency so they can’t leave is literally the mechanism by which abusive relationships function.

However, you likely had some unrecognized self-worth issues before you got into this relationship if you didn’t immediately bin him off at the early red flags. If I ask you where those issues came from, what’s the first thing that pops into your head?

I don’t feel I was ever taught self worth as a child for many reasons that I won’t go into right now. I was always bullied in school than the workplace, I never had any confidence in myself as a person. I do now, and I have done for a long time but I do think my past deep down has allowed this behaviour perhaps. I need to book in to see my therapist, it has been a while I just have not been able to afford it this year due to some personal changes. Thank you

To your children, you are the most valuable wonderful person in the world even if they don't always show it. Your worth to them is unquantifiable - and not in this man's poisonous and cruel words.

You are worth so much more than him