Am I overthinking my mother-in-law's disappointment about Christmas family plans?

[ThisDreamyExpert]

I am having a hard time with my mil. I come from a emotionally detached family, or just not as expressive and not as close knit. It has been an adjustment (married 11 years) now with 2 kids with my inlaws being more expressive, connected and closer. Mil moved closer and now lives in town. We see her often, but not too often that I feel suffocated. I have been diagnosed with OCD, for context. 2 years ago we had planned Christmas to see my sister for one evening, friends another evening and few other commitments over the time that my sil was going to come and visit. She visits once a year and often wants to see our children.
i explained this on a group chat. My sil is only there for 4 days. She then messaged, so we are only seeing you Christmas eve? My mil then phoned my husband in tears, that she feels upset that we are only seeing my sil one evening. My sil explained to me afterwards that she was sad, but did not express it at the time.
I became so upset about my mil expressing disappointment and am now questioning whether she actually would have wanted us to cancel our plans to see my sister to see his sister, if that is the case, I am possibly never going to get over it. She never said that, but feel like maybe she did want that. My husband just told her we are sticking to our plans but will see where we can find more time to see his sister. She accepted and that was the end of it.

Take a breath and explain that you can see MIL whenever else around/before/after Christmas and SIL too, but your sister has a window and you have arranged to see her then.

calmly explain and reinforce your decision then leave it. Her disappointment doesn’t trump your sister/friend on this occasion and you’re a bit miffed that she’s trying to be a bit manipulative on this occasion

Let him deal with it.Please dont get upset if your and your dh are on the same page.

Yes I do think you're overthinking it. It was 2 years ago, she was upset, your DH spoke to her and that was the end of it! Does your OCD manifest as intrusive thoughts?

It was 2 years ago!

I mean ultimately it’s a bit weird to prioritise casual plans with friends or local family over a close family member who lives abroad and can only stay for a limited window of time.
If you didn't want to see her any more than the one single time then that’s your choice but I would find it weird if I flew in and a sibling couldn’t make much time for me.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your MIL to mention to your DH that his sister was slightly upset at the time.

Why would you never get over it if your mil thought you should cancel plans to see family coming from abroad? I know you have OCD, but I'm not sure if you can see that that is an extreme reaction, and are asking if it is? Because your question is about "overthinking" which is a bit different. You do you but I think it's good that mil and sil were honest about how they felt so you could take that into account. Couldn't you have squeezed more time with sil around your other appointments, if they were important too, or at least encouraged DH to?

I also see my own sister once a year. She also lives far

Your sister in law came for 4 days and only visits once a year, I probably wouldn’t be booking those four days to see your sister and other friends…unless your friends and sister are also only visiting once a year?

Yes

Okay, and as per your own post there were multiple other plans and commitments you made rather than wanting to spend any time with DH’s sister.
It’s just a slightly strange thing to do when a close family member has flown in to visit and is keen to see you.

Your reaction is very strange, your MIL passing on to DH that his DS was sad seems like a completely normal thing for a mother to do. You not being able to get over your DMIL possibly expecting you to see DS another time instead of something else that could have been rearranged any other time is a huge, huge overreaction.

My sister visits once a year

My own sister also visits once a year.

We made our plans before she said she was coming

I probably wouldn’t arrange to see friends who I can see more regularly over a SIL I only see once a year for a few days.
However this was 2 years ago, why is it bothering you now? And why won’t you be able to get over it?

Why would you only see the sister for one night….

we had planned Christmas to see my sister for one evening, friends another evening and few other commitments over the time that my sil was going to come and visit.

You planned every single part of the entire 4 days before SIL had even booked her flights? That seems unlikely and like you’re just looking for an excuse.

Why are you now, 2 years on, deciding that your MIL feeling like her DS should have made a bit more effort to see his DS is so outrageous that you can’t ever forgive her?

Yes you are - to a ridiculous extent - it was 2 years ago - what's the point of dwelling on it now? If your OCD won't allow you to put it behind you, working on that is what you should be focusing on.

Yes, I expect they’d have liked to see more of you, but it was one of those things where other plans had already been made, so never mind. I would perhaps have rearranged something so both sisters could be with you and bring the families together, but ultimately, you know for next time to be a bit more flexible and you could say, ‘I’d love to spend more time with everyone this year, what plans shall we put together,’ to look willing. Nothing to worry about 2 years later!

I am possibly never going to get over it.

This is extreme. No one did anything that warrants such an excessive reaction. Your families want to see you. They are disappointed they won't be able to spend as much time with you as they like. Rather than being upset you could be grateful that people care enough to use the limit they have here visiting you.

OP, this was 2 years ago. Why is it in your mind now?