Was I wrong to suggest choosing our daughter's memorial stone together?

[TheSunnyHelper]

Our daughter passed away aged 44, very unexpectedly. My ex-partner (narcissist) hates the fact that she made me her next of kin. We live in different countries, and I have been in contact with him every step of the way, from dealing with the coroner to arranging the funeral, including him in video calls with the undertaker. He says I haven't kept him informed and that 'I am the next of kin, so you just keep doing what you're doing, don't bother telling me ' The grief at losing my daughter is being overshadowed by constantly trying to please him. He has to go back to his home, and I asked him if we should go and look at a possible memorial stone for her, as we don't know when he'll come back here. Had my head bitten off again..... you're the next of kin, you do what you want. I don't want to do what I want. I want us all to be involved, and yes, it's so very painful for all of us, but I just thought it was a good idea while he was here to get an idea of what he would like it to be . Am I wrong in suggesting this ?

Oh, TheSunnyHelper, I'm so very sorry for your loss 💐

I don't know what to suggest. Nothing will make this time easier for you. Perhaps your horrible ex is hurting too. He's lashing out in the only way he knows how: hurting you.

I know you must feel "damned if I do, damned if I don't." Unfortunately all you can do is what your precious DD would have wanted.

Please look after yourself. It's not your job to keep your ex happy.

💐

I'm.so sorry for your loss. You've tried.your very best to include your ex-partner, which absolutely was the right thing to do. Obviously he's grieving too, and feels hurt that he's not NoK, but you can hold your head high that you did your best to do right by him for your daughter's sake.

Take a step back then take another.
Do everything your own way, your daughter chose you for a reason and you need to remember that.
make your plans and do everything yourself let him know after the decisions have been made to keep his input to a minimum.
maybe give him tasks to organise himself and leave him to it
im so sorry for your loss ❤️❤️

Sorry for your loss.

As PPs have said he's hurting etc but I'd take him at his word. Choose the headstone yourself. Put yourself first and don't make this harder than it has to be.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I also lost my adult daughter unexpectedly last year. All I can say is protect your peace. Don’t stress about what he says or does. Offer him the chance and then move on. You’ve got enough things competing for your headspace, he doesn’t get to be one of them.

Oh love I am so sorry about your daughter 💕🌷

you weren't wrong to try to include him every step of the way & you weren't meeting to ask if he wanted to choise her headstone together.

BUT

you to stop trying to please him, you won't no matter what you do. It's just hurting you more. 🤗

your daughter chose YOU for a good reason, she trusted YOU to do the right thing for her.

choose a family member or friend & ask them for moral support.

you shouldn't have to be doing any of this, be kind to yourself & accept he's an EX for a Very Good Reason.

put him in your past & leave him there 🌷💕

He is using your next of kin status to get back at you.

He will never be happy with your choices so I would carry on with the arrangements whilst leaving him out of discussions. Take him at his word.

Even if you chose something he’d like he’d still find fault with it/you and he is really not worth bothering about especially as he is impeding your grieving your daughter. He just wants to make this all about him.
You cannot even begin to reason with someone this disordered of thinking so do not try. Do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

Whatever you do, he'll find a way to criticise. Involve him... don't involve him. Nothing you do will be right in his eyes because it's not about that.

I'm sorry for your loss x

I'm sorry to hear about your DD too 🌷💕

I'm so sorry.

It sounds like he's misunderstanding the significance of "next of kin" and taking it personally when there is probably no reason to do so. Your daughter will have chosen the person she thought was best placed to handle her affairs if necessary. If you live in the country where she lived and he lives abroad, it would rarely have made sense to appoint him when you were available. (I say this from experience, having functioned as "next of kin" from another country - there were a lot of additional challenges).

If he won't listen to reason, all you can do is try to include him and if he says no, try to ignore the tantrum that comes along with that "no" and go ahead with what you think is the best plan. You mentioned "all of us" in your original post; if there are other family members involved besides the two of you, might any of them have more luck getting him involved without the resentment, or at least telling him that you're not making the decisions unilaterally, just coordinating and carrying through the family's collective decisions?

He's grieving too but it's unfair for him to be making himself the centre of the universe now. You can't be expected to take on his emotional baggage; you'll have more than enough of your own right now. This person isn't even your partner; he needs to rely on his own support network to get through this and work through his anger, or get professional help.

Thank you all for your kind messages. He's going back home soon, so I'm going to just get on with grieving in my own time. I'm sorry for those who also have lost a child. My thoughts are with you xx

Sending you a gentle hug Sunny, I’m so sorry for your loss

It sounds like your daughter had the measure of him. Go ahead and do what you need to, you can’t force him to be collaborative or even vaguely pleasant, so there is no point putting yourself through additional stress x

Oh OP I'm so sorry for your loss 💐 I know you feel that you need to be fair to him and try and include him but if he's already told you to do what you want, I'd go ahead and make those decisions yourself. If he is the type to play the victim, then nothing you do will ever be good enough. Stop trying to accommodate him. You've lost your daughter and that is a terrible pain - you need to concentrate on your own wellbeing. I hope you have other loved ones around you to support you. You can also contact The Compassionate Friends who offer support to bereaved parents, by bereaved parents. It's a wonderful organisation, really helped my parents when my sister died and they made lifelong friends there who understood.

https://www.tcf.org.uk/

He isn't even the same country to regularly visit her grave . You choose something that you know she would like and that pleases you . It was thoughtful that you informed him of your plans . But that's all now . You no longer need to be in contact with him .
I am sorry about your daughter , very young and must so hard to lose your child .

I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree that you’ve done your best to include him but his wounded pride is causing him to behave terribly.

The best way to protect yourself against passive-aggressive people is just to act as though you can’t hear the loaded sentiment behind their words and take them at face value.

So do what he says, choose the headstone and focus on your own grieving.

It’s his narcissism that is causing him to behave so badly. He is pissed off also that your focus of attention is on your late daughter (and rightly so) rather than him. I would take him at his word and no longer inform him. You cannot reason with people like he and he is an ex for very good reason.

So sorry for your loss 💐

I’m so very sorry for your loss 💐