Nightmare ex

[Ohifonlylifewaseasy]

My ex is, as the title says an absolute nightmare to deal with.
We have a son aged 8. Ex works away Mon-Fri and usually sees son at weekend unless he’s made plans or is going football. It’s all very much on his terms. He was very controlling when we were together and this has carried on. When he is with son they FaceTime me multiple times a day which I know is so ex can see what I’m doing. If he gets a sniff of me potentially seeing anyone he starts saying he’s going for full custody and he will never allow our son to be around another man. I’m taking son on holiday at the end of July with my mum and sister and her kids and he’s been telling son he doesn’t have to come as it won’t be as fun as the holidays he takes him on. We’re going to butlins. He’s announced he won’t allow me to drive son there as he doesn’t trust my driving on motorway and is now saying he will drive son there. He makes everything so hard and if I don’t play by his rules the threats start coming.
i can’t afford solicitors and courts. He pays maintenance but only on his terms, i went via csa but he still withholds it.
how do you manage an ex like this??
I have met someone and it’s going really well but I’m just worried he’s going to ruin it all by being a pain hen he finds out. I have no plans to introduce my son for at least 6 months providing it’s going well.

You need to start being firmer with boundaries. He won't want full custody if he works away .

1. Dont allow him any input into driving on holiday. It is unreasonable. Be calm but clear. Put it in a text. Thanks for the offer of driving x to Butlibs but I will be driving us myself.
2. Tell him clearly again in a text that you won't be available fir a date time until a specific time or simply don't answer them. Send a text asking what he wants if you are concerned.

Take back the control. Grey rock and calm, neutrality when he kicks off.

Grey rock. Can you get a parenting app so he messages you only through that?

Don't give him any more information than the bare minimum.

Full custody is an empty threat. If he works away he won't be able to take your DS full time so just ignore.

Full custody? Tell him he can have his son and watch him shit his pants! Just imagine if the rolls were reversed, do you think he would manage? For a start his job would be gone, he wouldn't have a clue where to start.
Put your foot down and remember he is an Ex. You dont have to put up with this shit.
I would communicate via text so if he threatens you then you have proof 👍

Get CMS to collect the money, he’s got a proper job so they can collect it at source

Don’t answer the phone when he has your son, say you’re busy (don’t say what you’re doing).

Dont allow him to dictate anything about the holiday, certainly don’t let him have him the day before in case he tries to prevent you going

Text as little as possible, yes get a parenting app. Keep your boundaries up and push back if he keeps trying to dictate.

Look into legal aid for solicitors/court on the basis of domestic abuse (which includes controlling behaviour). My solicitors applied on my behalf and it has funded solicitor support through the court process. You should be able to get a free half an hour with a few firms specialising in family law for initial advice

start by thinking of little things you can do to take back control.

Do you have any sort of formal, court agreed custody/contact agreement? FaceTiming multiple times per day would almost certainly be classified as stalking, harassment or coercion. Find some advice. Start a thread in Legal here asking just this question.

Does your son want to talk to his dad that much and is he happy when doing so? Do you have a designated spot for him to talk to his dad? Start by finding a neutral spot in the house where it’s a blank wall only as a background and there is no answering FaceTimes until he is sitting there. Make it boring for ds and he might start pushing back against it himself. Ds shouldn’t be free ranging the house while FaceTiming.

At the age of 8, what device does ds have access to that supports FaceTime anyway? At some point, can you say school have recommended that ds at his age is too young to have such open internet access. He will be available at this particular time each day for you to ring him. See above comment about stalking.

Someone on here can tell you the details of Court approved parent contact apps. Download that, send him the details and start communicating through that. He won’t like it but at least your end will be in a Court approved format.

Re your holiday, think about how to swerve whatever disruption he might plan. Can you and ds leave the night before and have a cheap night somewhere on the way? Or leave early, take a longer, scenic route and stop for breakfast on the way? Something to keep him off balance.

Where do you do handovers? At your house? Try and move it to somewhere neutral. “Yes, I know it’s been at home previously but this time we will be out early and ds needs his time with you. We will have his bag in the car”. Don’t ever say why you will be out or where. Ds might but that’s after the fact. Ex only needs to know that you will be at McDonalds at the appropriate time.

Make ds coming home as neutral, boring and as quick as possible. “Hello darling. Come in now” and shut the door. No conversation with Ex. That’s for the communication app.

You need a neutral, say nothing response to everything he says. “noted” is a useful word. “If you introduce my son to another man, I will go for full custody “. You say “noted” and nothing else.