Any advice please!!!

[sweatervest]

Ex husband who was a abusive gaslighting piece of shit who gave me ptsd and thr fall out from trauma (he was arrested twice but no further action) has died and I'm full of why the fuck didnt I tell him what I thought of him.

It's been over four years since it all ended (i would have died of I'd have stayed and I dont say that lightly) but I am feeling so mixed up and massive crying etc. Not crying because of love. Crying because he got away with ruining me and my children.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom? Or words of anything. Thank you.

Can you write a letter 'to him', putting all your feelings down, and then either put the letter away or burn it (sending it into the air)? It might help you to find a form of closure if you just get your thoughts out.

Feel the anger, really feel it. Give yourself a set time - say three days - and then stop and let it go. The letter writing idea above is a really good idea. Don't let bitterness cloud your life from then on. Think of it as a rock in your pocket that you don't want to carry any more, and put it down for good. Have a lovely life with your DC, OP.

Write a letter, take it to the funeral director and ask them to put it in the coffin.

You must be feeling all the emotions right now; I’m not surprised you’re crying.

My advice:

• let the emotions come; don’t suppress them
• acknowledge that you’re justified in feeling like this
• acknowledge that you got away from while he was still alive, and that he lived another 4 years with this knowledge. This will have really pissed him off, so well done!
• you can still write to him even though he won’t see it. Could be cathartic? Get everything out. You could then do some kind of “release” ceremony eg burn the letter or throw it in the sea etc etc.
• investigate some therapy/counselling if you haven’t already. PTSD Is brutal and help is out there
• you probably didn’t tell him what you thought of him because you knew that he’d make life harder for you if you did. This was sensible of you.

Honestly you did brilliantly to get away from him. He sounds like an utter arsehole and I hope he’s looking up from his fiery place in hell and wishing that he was still on the relatively cool 30-degree Earth (assuming you’re in England?!).

This is brilliant. I’d do this 👍

Thank you so much. I might do it. Although would his extremely nosey brother get to know there was a letter in the coffin and would the funeral people tell him? I wouldn't even care if his brother did read the letter tbh. It would be absolute serendipity.

Thank you a load of times. I will send the letter to the funeral people regardless of what they do with it.

Thank you again

I would be careful doing this. As if the brother found it, would he one day tell your kids? After loosing their dad, that is probably not something they ever should be told

Give it time OP. Sending hugs.

Very wise

He didn't exactly get away with it did he. He's dead, you're not. I'd call that a win.

write it in invisible ink

Let it go and don’t give him any more time. He’s already robbed you of so much. Divert that to improving your own future.

He didn’t get away with it. Despite everything he might have said, somewhere in him, he knew. And, he has died and never been able to make right what he did wrong. THAT is his punishment.
And you? He doesn’t get to ruin you. You will choose, every day, to not let that happen. He wasn’t worth that.

Thank you all so much for the advice. The children are my children. Thank god I didn't have any with him. I wouldn't care who sees the letter but i have totally taken on board alllll of your fabulous advice and yes I should be making my life better and not giving that piece of shit any of my brain time but its hard but i left the blinds up tonight for thr first time in 4 years as I know I dont have to be paranoid that he's spying.

It's so hard and I have massive empathy for anyone going through similar and thank you again for the brilliant advice.