How can I overcome anxiety and fear of bothering women?

[ThatLemonStork]

Mostly women I find attractive. Because of my anxiety I pretty much go out of my way to avoid them due to nervousness and anxiousness and a possibility that they might see me as nuisance because many women don't want men to approach them. Considering I'm 22 years old, it's kind of a problem. It's an issue romantically, of course, but even just platonically. I can't even look in the general direction of a woman if I find her attractive, let alone try and speak to them. And no, it's not bc I think women aren't people or anything.

This mostly stems from me being kinda ugly (despite being tall, in shape, and always grooming and dressing well) But it's pretty debilitating. I've tried volunteering to be more social, and since I like art, it's at an art gallery, which is usually full of women. But even going to them just to be social not looking for dates or anything, hasn't made it easier. I still just avoid them and can never initiate a conversation due to being crazy afraid. Sometimes I sweat a lot even thinking about it.

I recently went to an art festival with the curator of the gallery I volunteer at and her friend was with us and she was very, very pretty, and super nice. But trying to talk with her felt impossible. I don't have this issue with men, women I'm not attracted to, or women that are at work like cashiers, waitresses, servers, etc. Is there anything that can realistically help with this?

Maybe do what they did in Clockwork Orange and just stare at pictures of attractive women all day with your eyelids forced open?

Good luck, hope it works out.

Women don’t want men approaching them right enough, but regular conversation when in close proximity, such as when your volunteer friend brought her friend, is fine and is unlikely to be seen as bothering them.
If you can manage interactions with shop staff/servers etc then it’s likely just nerves due to their attractiveness, and that’s something that you are only likely to get better at with practice, or when you are already in a secure relationship and don’t automatically start thinking ‘they will think I fancy them’ or whatever.
I’d like to say it improves with age but, suddenly single again in my 50’s, I’m finding it surprisingly hard to speak to men I come into contact with via work without berating myself afterwards for sounding like an idiot, blushing and sweating! I’m not even interested in having a relationship, but I suddenly feel really awkward now I’m single, as I don’t want men misinterpreting my conversations.

Ok so, i don't want to make you more nervous but, you say you are ugly but you like someone very very pretty. So of course you would be nervous with someone like that. Why would they be interested in someone a lot less attractive than them? (At least, in a cold approach type of situation).

I'm just pointing out this midsnatch there. Tall might bag you a point or two with some women but usually only if you are also good looking tbf.

Sorry, I don't want to freak you out more. And I sure you are just being harsh on yourself when you say you are ugly. But I think its important to address this.

Because if you're punching you far up and you know it, of course thars going to nake you nervous.

And the facts are, whilst this "women want tens" is a load of incel bullshit, most people do want date within their own general attractiveness zone.

There's more leway of course in time and proximity situations, eg working together and falling for one another but if you're going to be doing something like tinder or talking to them on a night out, you gotta be sure you're not shooting for the moon, cause right now especially, if you fall on your arse, it'll make it harder for you to get back out there again.

Or do what Raj did and drink alcohol.

Honestly it sounds like a confidence issue as you are fine to speak to some women. I’m a woman and have a friend who sounds similar to you. You just need to try to force yourself to talk to people and accept it might be a negative interaction. The more you do it, the easier it will be.

That said, as you recognise it can be very annoying to just be approached by men. Scenarios like the one you mentioned where a mutual friend introduced you to someone are perfect for ‘practicing’. You just have to go in with the mindset it might just be one conversation and that it likely won’t lead to anything else.

Have you thought that some women like being spoken to by men and like male attention. Like how do people get together?

it does reek if incel though. Just go online dating and then you know . Why are you ugly? Do you think only attractive people get married and have relationships.

if you look at most couples most are average looking with average height.

Incel Friday!

Therapy and realistic expectations are what you need, my friend.

How about not approaching women. but getting yourself out into life and hobbies that you enjoy and find someone via friendship...which may lead to more?

Absolutely no-one on earth is ugly. There is always someone fir everyone.

just go about your day without worrying. You are soooo young.

You don't actually know if you are ugly. That's just your perception. The few young men I know who thought they were ugly were actually above average. Even if you are, not all women go for looks. Loads of 'ugly' men are very attractive. Self confidence is what matters. Not brash 'I'm so great' bravado, but quiet confidence.

I suggest you decide it's okay to make a fool of yourself in front of a woman you find attractive who you are unlikely to meet again. Just practise trying to have a nice, normal conversation , like you do with other people and if you screw it up, it doesn't matter. Everything gets easier with practise.

To be fair, a little therapy might be helpful. Because realistically if you can't even start a conversation with a woman without breaking out in a sweat...there's possibly going to be more issues down the line.

It's arguably been built up to a big thing in your head. It's really not that deep.

I have no issues with a guy approaching me, within reason (daytime, public location, I'm not busy on a laptop or phone call or something). Most of us aren't bothered by that. We're bothered when they won't leave.

If she says "I'm sorry I'm busy..." or "go away" or "I have a boyfriend" you just go "no worries, have a good day" and leave.

Your instincts are correct, you shouldn't bother women when they are just out to have a nice time.

There are two issues here.

1. You seem to misunderstand how most relationships form. It is very rarely from picking up a woman with witty one liners at a party. The best relationships form from long term regular contact, like working together or sharing a hobby.

2. I don't know if you are ugly, it might just be low self confidence. But then again, you might be genuibely ugly. In that case you can't just attempt to entice women who are far more attractive than you. Aim for women of equal attractivness to you. Or get very rich (though this would lead to less happiness and romance and be a more transactional relationship).

Thise are your options.

You don’t have to be attractive to get the women that you want, but you do need to have something about you that makes you better than the average man. And I say this as an attractive woman who has dated medium handsome men and a couple not so handsome. The hack is to be a gentleman, make her feel appreciated and do the little things. Most women don’t really care about dating the most attractive man but they do want to date the man that makes them feel beautiful, makes them feel special, makes them feel appreciated and makes an effort.

Anyway, back to your confidence issue maybe you should just do some hypnotherapy or something to help you get over these issues?

Get some therapy. CBT may help you with techniques to calm down so you can treat attractive women like people and not like potential mates.

Agree with this. I feel it’s unlikely that you are truly “ugly”, for a start some faces just need a bit of age and experience. Kind and lovely people are never truly ugly.
Lots of people get flustered and awkward around people they find attractive. I am outgoing and friendly but when I was young and single I definitely found it harder to talk to someone I was attracted to. I could talk to anyone in the room apart from that one person! Just keep trying to get better at chatting to people, all people, both sexes, all ages. Chatting in a friendly way, out of genuine interest in the other person. Over time you will build confidence and humour, both of which are very attractive qualities.
You will make female friends, and get much more relaxed and natural around women in general. Then when you meet someone you might want to date it won’t be such a hurdle.

You know a lot of women like a man who makes them laugh, is interested in talking about things in common and they like to feel valued. Just look to be friendly. Be a friend first. Then see what develops.

Your attitude at the minute is a bit desperate cave man “me, man, you, woman”. That’s a big turn off. Be a nice person, and don’t take rejection too personally. Eventually you’ll click with someone and I guarantee it won’t be about looks or numbers, it’ll be a match of values and personality (plus a little magic spark).

Treat attractive women like humans. In other words, be interested in them as people rather than in their looks and how it will look to others if you manage to "capture" them. It all follows from there. They're not objects.

Once I was watching my friend telling a funny story. He was the cynosure of about 10 people (women and men), and I was stood at a distance. We were all laughing our heads off. All of a sudden, the light came out behind him and I was struck by how objectively ugly he was: small chin, huge nose, beady wrinkly eyes, balding, short and skinny. And it meant nothing, not just because he could tell a brilliant story, but because he was human and decent.

Looks are irrelevant.

Don't try to grab a woman so that you become someone. Become an authentic person, someone with solidity. Sometimes it takes time to become that.

In the meantime, try talking to attractive women like you would any other person.