Last night

[culturevulture1984]

Last night we came home after an event. I said I wd cook. Dh went to other room to watch tv with drink in hand. I asked him to join me in kitchen and we cd watch tv after dinner.

He started shouting at me and telling me there was something wrong with me, why couldn't I bear to see him relaxing. I told him it was for the company, not trying to make him do work. (Though maybe an element of that.)

I feel so lonely and disconnected. He drinks every night. I made the effort to travel to his event and stupidly thought we cd have a nice evening at home.

He doesnt know how to be in a relationship. Selfish, entitled and using alcohol to self medicate. It's so alienating.

Get rid of him.

Why put up with it for any longer?

I usually need time to decompress by myself after an event! My DH usually cooks and I'd be pretty annoyed if he wanted me to stand around in the kitchen rather than relaxing!

Are there other issues with your relationship? You mention the drinking, him not wanting to spend time together - if this is a one off I'd forgive it. If it's more of a pattern maybe you need to talk to him

It's a pattern, that's why I saw red.

Have you told him that you feel lonely and disconnected outside of last night's thing?

My sibling was in a relationship with an alcoholic. Sadly I don't think your DH will ever be able to be the partner you want or need them to be, at least not when their priority is booze.

I have many times but no change.

I guess that should tell me what I need to know.

Did he offer you a drink while you were cooking or do you not drink at all? I don't mind if my DH sits down with a drink while I'm cooking but he better offer me one! I also have a tv in the kitchen so put on whatever I want to watch in there.

If you have told him many times that you are lonely and feel disconnected and checked out and he's not able to engage with that as a concept and act upon it, then yes, I think it does tell you what you need to know.

Prepare for him to be blindsided, completely shocked, think it was totally out of the blue and he didn't see it coming when you end it.

He's an alcoholic. If you've tried to get him to change and seek help and he doesn't want to, your only option is to leave.

I don't have the courage to leave and upend my life. It took me so long to get here.

Its dawning on me the drink is a bigger problem than I thought.

I dont think he would be that surprised.

I'm not a needy person. I'm a coper, too much so.

I feel like my sham of a marriage is a horrible secret I can't tell anyone about.

It took me so long to get here.

It sounds like where you've got is a sham of a marriage which is a horrible secret?

Your life is being slowly and gradually upended with every day that you stay..

My partner is a functioning alcoholic and i completely understand where you are coming from but sadly i agree with the previous posts. His relationship with alcohol will always come before you. What i would suggest is you concentrate on yourself and detach as much as possible. Sadly he will not change unless he wants to. Build up your life without him and make yourself stronger. I no longer nag or ask him to stop or point out how much he drinks because its pointless. But what i do is i volunteer for something i am passionate about i go out with friends i focus on me. I would recommend you do the same. Good luck x

You have told us. That is your start point to a new and better life. Only alcohol is his friend and it's his whole life. Try not to let it take over yours: Move up and away from him as there is a better happier life just waiting for you.

Thank you treacle. I did Al Anon before , it's helpful.