Struggling to recover years later from a relationship that ended badly

[LarkspurBlues]

I am in my 40s, divorced quite a while ago now. My husband was vile and this post isn’t about him. Apart from him though I had good relationships and am usually ok at that sort of thing. I’ve got close friends, my kids are thriving, and my household in order now, and so on. That’s all normal, but there’s something underneath that’s making me really unhappy and I don’t know how to solve it— I am looking for help or recognition.

I just have to admit to myself that I’ve never been able to recover from someone I was very in love with. This was an old friend who I got together with after my divorce. I was just so very happy and looking at photos of that time I can see on my face I was just really myself — a happiness that radiated out across lots of other parts of life. I didn’t integrate this man much, as I am a mum and that comes first, but it was like I could access a lot of myself by being with him. I was just very in love and happy.

It ended brutally and incomprehensibly. He decided he wasn’t ready to have a long term relationship and wanted to be more casual. I believe he literally then went off and got on Tinder etc for some flings, later getting in touch to apologise. It broke my heart at the time, but I picked myself up and carried on, and am now several years down the line, with things moved on. However I just cannot shake off the sadness deep down. I’ve never managed to quite regain that easy happy look I had then and often just feel quite defeated, even though I am a good mum and doing ok on the surface.

I can see clearly what’s done is done, he treated me disgustingly and would be a terrible partner. I just feel like he took a chunk of my belief in the world away and I don’t know how to get it back.

Sorry, can’t seem to edit that for a typo.

Bump

This is just my view but I don’t think you’ve lost anything, it’s just hidden away (belief in the world)
I know what you mean though. It’s not easy but you can find it again.

Thanks, @OldwiseOwl

He's not the one person that can bestow or remove happiness and joy to your life. Yes you had fun, no it didn't last, not everything does, and it seems like it was for a very good reason. Your marriage sounds painful, and maybe he's getting tied in with your feelings around that somehow? Might be worth exploring with a therapist.

We are very focused on romantic relationships being the source of true happiness but that's not often the case, especially for women. Women are genetically predisposed to community and it's only very recently we have been told that we need to look to a man for everything.

They can be a decent addition, some of them, sometimes, but the happiest women I know aren't living with a man. They're surrounded by women.

A poem about joy for you.

Joy does not arrive with a fanfare
on a red carpet strewn
with the flowers of a perfect life
joy sneaks in
as you pour a cup of coffee
watching the sunlight
hit your favourite tree, just right
and you usher joy away
because you are not ready for her
your house is not as it should be
for such a distinguished guest
but joy cares nothing for your messy home
or your bank-balance, or your waistline, you see
joy is supposed to slither through
the cracks of your imperfect life
that’s how joy works
you cannot truly invite her
you can only be ready when she appears
and hug her with meaning
because in this very moment
joy chose you

Donna Ashworth

i believe more and more that people are the catalysts for things we create in ourselves - but your ex was the cause of how you felt -but most importantly , not the reason - he pressed emotional buttons in you and you will figure out what those were and then know how to reinstate that feeling in yourself by yourself. and when that happens you are likely to find that positivity in the outside world as well - good luck and don’t worry - things will get better

@ArabellaWeird you’re completely right great poem

I think my story could be similar. Met my husband when we were both 45, both been in a long marriages but totally single when we met I thought we were the luckiest people on Earth that made each other when we did without any complications. However, although he loved Me and we had wonderful holidays, actually he really wasn’t a happy bunny.

Stressed and unhappy with his job, but six jobs later in the same huge organisation and he was no happier.
One day he told me he had to change his life maybe the biggest mistake ever but he had to change it. And left that day I had suggested sabbaticals Travel all sorts. His answer was to leave Me.

I was ridiculously devastated. I think I realised later that it was abandonment. He didn’t just leave. He pretty much ghosted me. I lost a lot of weight couldn’t sleep or eat, walked the streets at 6 am. But people that I had known over the years turned up and were wonderful with me.

i stayed calm and friendly, from time to time sent text to meet up. I was scared that if I was accusatory I wouldn’t see him again.

I should’ve realised he really didn’t care when he said how good I looked in little size 10!

To get to the point, it’s not that person it’s us our life and our expectations. I look back and wondered why on earth I loved that person so much that it seemed my life was over when he left Me.

@Tumbler2121 That’s so sad. How are you now? Did he ever apologise and explain?

How many years ago did the relationship end @LarkspurBlues and how often do you feel this way about it?

It ended almost two years ago and I always feel like this to some extent.

Maybe you were so miserable in your marriage that he offered something to you and it seemed idyllic compared to what you had been through. He wasn’t nice at all, he was just a bit better than the previous dipshit.

I can completely understand what you have gone through but it wasn’t him, he brought a happy part of you. That you not him.

I posted something similar a few days ago op . I think I just can’t get past the potential and I feel like that was my last chance to be honest. I feel like life waves things in my face almost like ‘oh look at what you could have had , but not for you !’

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5545776-really-struggling-to-get-over-failed-relationship?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Something is preventing you from moving on. Have you dated since him? My last relationship lasted just over 18 months and although we weren’t exactly suited we did spend a lot of time together and got on well. It just wasn’t to be. I try now to focus on the positive parts and the nice memories. Have you confided in friends and family op?

Your OP sounded like it was a very long time ago, but this is not even two years ago.

You're struggling because you're looking outside yourself for happiness. You got divorced, then you found a guy and rebounded hard and fast. He made you feel better after a failed marriage. Unfortunately, you let your guard down early before you discovered what a shit bf he was. So failed marriage then failed relationship in the worst way and your self esteem and even enjoyment in life has been battered. You've ended two major relationships. Give yourself a break.

You're looking for that new relationship energy in your life, the high and dopamine rush of falling in love. You can find other ways to get that dopamine. You're going to have to discover how to be happy with yourself. If you're not, you're vulnerable to seeking that outside validation and NRE from shit men.

It also sounds like you're ruminating about this guy and that's not helping. You need to fill your life with good things, not sit around and mope.