How do you cope when a relatively)new man is consistent, eager and authentic when you’re used to awful men historically?

[itsagolg]

I’ve done the work after being married to and divorcing an absent husband who eventually had affairs.
I then had a relationship for two years who ultimately wanted me to be his mother.
We ended when I realised we were in compatible in so many ways after Covid restrictions.
i signed myself off relationships for a further two years until I felt strong and healed and vulnerable enough to engage in a new relationship .
we’re in our fifties , met on a night out and that was six months ago.
we are medium distance apart so only see each other by choice once or twice per week.
We are the only parent our children has a relationship with so despite there ages eg late teens, early twenties .. our children only have us.
So, he is eager, consistent, kind , hardworking, funny, trustworthy etc… basically everything I’ve never had.
Im thoroughly enjoying this , it suits us beautifully but at time, when I’m tired or anxious, I wonder when it’s all going to go wrong or is it too good to be true.
How has anyone else who has experienced this navigated these feelings.
Yes it’s only six months but he has not ‘slipped up’ once with either lies, selfishness or inconsistencies.
Some friends know of him and everyone raves about what a great man he is and how he deserves so much after a horrible few years.
it feels too good to be true.
Anyone, please?

I haven't been in your position but my friend has.

We all knew her man first (he was a widower) and the loveliest, kindest person you could ever meet and we kept telling her that because she was reluctant to even go on a date with him. I think he asked her about 6 times before she agreed even to go for a drink. It took her years to really believe that it wasn't all going to unravel and they took it really slowly. They've been married over a decade now and are as tight and happy a couple as you could ever imagine. He's still the great bloke she deserves.

I'd say take it slowly, enjoy it and wish you loads of happiness.

For what it's worth, I've had quite a bit of experience of this. Most advice I imagine you already know, but there are a few things I'd say.

There are good people out there, and your partner may well be everything you think/hope he is.

It's extremely hard to reliably overcome years of your nervous system being trained to spot problems / ambiguities, and the more serious/loving your relationship becomes, the more aware/heightened you're likely to become, because the risk has increased.

Eventually, he will do, or say, something that sets off those alarm bells. When that happens (and it almost certainly will), your nervous system may well respond in a big way. Anxiety, fear, anger, the whole nine yards.

I'd recommend thinking (a lot) about that, before it happens. Not in a 'this is all shit why bother' way, more 'how do I want to handle that when it happens'.

If you try to bare-knuckle it in the moment, there's a good chance it will all go horribly wrong.

But, do the work, and you could have it made.