So lonely in my marriage

[marriedsinglemama]

Lately, I have told my husband many times in different ways - hoping to communicate it in a way he will really understand but nothing seems to work…i feel so lonely…. More than even when i was single. Back then i could at least meet new people now o feel so trapped and suffocated in loneliness. Last year we had sex 7 times in total that doesn’t even equate to once a month, now this year as we approach month seven it’s been 2 times once in January and once in April! Despite me bringing it up it’s like not even happening on our anniversary or my birthday! And o just have so much anger towards him right now. I’m up at 5.30 everyday packing the kids lunches, getting myself ready then them, taking them to nursery/school and myself to work by 8.00. I work til 5 in a stressful busy job 5 days a week. I rush them home - to do bath time, dinner time, play, read, learn spellings…. Etc etc and bedtime. He wakes alone goes to work quietly drives 5 mins…. (We use public transport) does he job (as he did before kids) then gets home around 5ish and sits down with a cool drink…. Has dinner with us…. And well that’s it. He then puts the kids to bed by falling asleep before them…. I get some to myself from 9-10pm and at 10pm he comes back to the sitting room and either stares at his phone or sleeps on the sofa. Companionship - well there is none! I do everything and somehow still have the energy for company…. For sex…. But it’s as though he’s not even there…. We don’t talk, were like roommates. He contributes 50%. To the bills and that’s all….. I take care of all admin, kids everything. I have days Off at the weekend when I’m with the kids, taking care of homework, kids clubs/activities, etc… i don’t get a break. The latest i wake up is 6.30am 365 days a year….. and I’m slowly running out of reasons why we should he together. Because truly along the road of wife and mother I’ve lost myself. The last time i went to the hairdresser was 11months ago and I had to take the kids it was anything but relaxing and I’ve stopped doing anything for myself and my well-being. In contrast, he works weekends and has 2 days off in the week to himself - literally for himself…. No jobs done! And quite frankly i have a healthy sex-drive and I’m tired of him not even having the energy to put out. The last three times o initiated and felt so bad afterwards like I’d forced him, I no longer feel desirable or attractive….
please someone tell me I’m not the only one!!!!
I’ve mentioned how low I am and my mental health and well-being he said nothing then gave me flowers (silently) the next day - this was 3 weeks ago nothing has changed since. Am I not being clear enough? Is there anything I’m doing wrong? Am i being premature considering divorce? Please anything will help I have nobody to talk to as I haven’t seen friends in ages….

Marriage can be more lonely than being alone, for sure. It sounds like your DH has tried to hear you when he brought you the flowers. Can you make an attempt to reconnect? Date days reguarly scheduled, just the two of you? If you can't get out sometimes, date days at home. He needs to step up more at home too. Can you catch up with a friend or two? I'd try to shake things up before considering divorce.

Thanks, I’ve tried date nights but it’s me who has to organise it all, organise the kids just wanted some effort from him for anything… but yeah thanks o appreciate your suggestions I’ll try again! Seeing a friend would be great I’m working on it - I just always have the kids with me it’s not the same I can barely hold a conversation!

Stop enabling his behaviour. Hand the admin over to him for example. After dinner go for a walk and leave him with the kids to bathe and put to bed. Arrange a coffee with a friend on Saturday morning and just get up and go. He can handle the kids for a few hours.

I think it's time to sit him down and tell him in words of one syllable that your relationship is making you very unhappy. Your needs are not met at all and he doesn't seem to care about that. Put him on notice - he steps up or it's over. And mean it. Decide for yourself how long you will give him and if he doesn't make changes, start the divorce. It's horrifically lonely to be in a relationship with no love, care, support or connection. He's a passenger in your relationship and he doesn't care how unhappy you are. You deserve so much better.

When you leave him, he will say he had no idea you were unhappy.

Yes I’ve said before too - he will act so shocked if o leave him despite me talking about it so so so so many times! 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Then what are you waiting for? Tell him you are leaving unless he agrees to go to marriage counselling with you.

Marriage can be more lonely than being alone

So true.

Depends on the husband though.

If you’ve told him loads of times that you’re going to leave and you haven’t then he obviously doesn’t believe you. Why don’t you start getting your ducks in a row? What are the marital assets? What financial arrangement would you want from a divorce? What custody arrangements? Starting to make a plan might help you. Also, if he’s upstairs putting the DCs to bed by falling asleep with them, perhaps you could go out one evening a week. Meet friends. Have a weekly hobby. Help him realise you’re not just going to sit around waiting for him.

Have you guys visited a marriage counselor

Have you ever asked him to pack the kids lunches, like on his two weekdays off? If not, I'd ask that he take that over on his days off. Also, why do you all the cooking? If he claims not to know how, teach him. You could, together, do a big cooking day where you two make big batches of food to portion and freeze so that most days, you won't have to cook from scratch. Does he do the dishes or laundry? Does he have any guy friends or is close to siblings/parents, or not? What brings him joy? I'm just trying to get a bigger picture of the situation. Does he seem to enjoy the children, or does he just see them as nuisances, etc.?

I'd probably ask him, to get some idea what's going on in head, questions like: What would you improve in your life if you could? Is there anything you have on your life's bucket list? Is there something I'm not doing that you want me to do? What do you think could use improvement in our marriage?

So that it's just not you planning date nights, tell him how you want to alternate date plan dates, so if you do it monthly, month 1 will be your plan, and the next month it'll be his month to decide. Try to mix things up when at least you plan, instead of the same old dinner or a movie. Like bowling, miniature golfing, paint and sip class, dance lesson, cooking lesson, picnic in a park.

I have a friend who established one night a week without electronics: no phones, no TV. I'd ask that of him, although a think music would be okay. When the kids go to bed, make them your time together in the living room to listen to music and talk and maybe give each other root rubs or back rubs. I'd say that you take a break from initiating sex, but do keep that physical connection alive with the massages and holding hands and caressing hair.

But yeah, if you give yourself time to see if these changes and conversations lead to improvements or not, you can then make your next decision based on if the outcome is good or bad. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Definitely shake up before you break up, what have you got to lose?, it might rescue your marriage, and failing that, at least you will have given it a shot!

I have never done couples therapy, but I strongly believe it would be helpful for people who have difficulties communicating. This was definitely the case in my marriage. My ex would always get defensive when I brought up a problem, and over time, I became fearful of speaking up to protect the peace. I really wanted us to go for couples therapy, hoping this would give me space to speak up and he would have to listen respectfully. However, my ex did not want to go to therapy.

I had been trying to voice my concerns for years, but in the end, when I said I wanted to leave him, he was shocked and, to this day, tells everyone that he has no idea why I left him.

Perhaps show him this thread?

He's taking the piss, and you for a ride. You're completely overfunctioning to compensate for his lack of involvement, you must be exhausted.

It'll probably be LESS work for you if you're separated, you'll get a weekend free every other week. You're doing EVERYTHING right now.

I cannot understand how men can sit there relaxing while their wife tears around trying to keep all the plates spinning. They have no decency. Neither my H nor I sit down in the evening until everything is done and everyone, including kids and stuff for the next day, are sorted. It's inconceivable that he would be watching TV while I was cooking, for example

You can see friends by telling him what your plans are. You dont have to take the kids everywhere. He is their father, just leave them with him sometimes and carve out some time for you to do something that makes you happy or to get your hair done.
Makes any changes that are within your control.
Tell him he needs to prep dinner on the two days hes off in the week alongside doing the school run, making packed lunches etc
He sounds like he needs specific instructions or he wont take the initiative.
If he wont pull his finger out of his arse then its another matter completely and I would agree with a pp that your life would be easier as a single parent.

you probably started all this off when you first got together in your home.
you coming home doing the tea, bit of cleaning round maybe put a wash on whilst he came home sat down till you shouted him tea is ready, he ate it then walked back into lounge and fell asleep whilst you washed up, tidied round

There is NO reason now you don’t build a life for yourself wether that’s with him or not
His days off mid week
he gets up sees to the kids and takes them to school
he cleans the house whilst your at work, puts a wash on and gets any shopping needed for tea

If he can’t cook, you take over when you get home, eat it and wash up
Then you rake yourself out the house - anywhere
gym, a class, swimming, coffee, to your mums or friends anything for 2+ hrs
Same again the next day

If you don’t start giving him things to do concerning the home & financial you are going to be carrying him till your in your 80’s

I know because I met someone in my 40’s
lived together 23 yrs , all of this minus the children grates on me so much so that I resent him . He never thinks to clean just hoovers round
thinks the bathroom cleans itself and beds don’t need changing for weeks at a time
Were in our 70’s now , I feel I have a man child

sort it now or go your own way it won’t change

Why are people suggesting that he should prepare lunches and supper only on the days he has off, when OP does it on her work days?

Have a look at Eve Rodsky’s fair play to help you both think differently about who does what to keep home life going. You are so very far from an equitable split now that it really needs something to shake you up and have a reset

you would all benefit from a more fair split. I hope you can both get on board with a change. Good luck.

I would have divorced years ago.
It’s not premature at all.
he is selfish, lazy, not adding any value at all to either your life or your children.
you are getting absolutely nothing out of this relationship

I agree marriage counselling may help. It may not be a miracle cure but I found that getting him to say out loud 'i already think I do half' was good for me to hear. It couldn't be further from the truth and it made me realise I wasn't going mad. It didn't save our relationship but it did make me realise I wasn't making a fuss about nothing. You absolutely aren't - this set up sounds like my worst nightmare. Sometimes even if you know it logically, though, it doesn't sink in until you realise just how much you're living different realities.

Reading your post, I really wondered 'why have you stayed' but of course that's easy to say from the outside. I imagine you love him and think about the effect on the kids, mostly? It's true what gets said on MN frequently - your kids will (consciously or not) learn what a relationship looks like from your set up. Model what you want for them. You aren't a second class working 1950s house wife. You have so much strength if you've maintained this life despite what it's doing to you. Use that to make a change. I wish you all the best OP ❤️

Would you be happier if you didn't live with him?
If yes, there's only one thing to do.