Ending a controlling relationship at 47 and facing being alone again

[magentbobble]

I am just feeling really sad right now that I've realised I have to end my current relationship. I'm 47 and my longest relationship has been two years. I just kept dating men who would lose interest after the initial infatuation phase or I'd find out they had addiction issues or were abusive. The man I've been with for 2 years now has been a dream he was so lovely and supportive and seemingly devoted to me but since he moved into my home last year things have progressively got worse between us with him becoming increasingly controlling and always in a bad temper or angry at me. Its making life unbearable he doesn't even contribute that much to life financially I still cover most of the bills and mortgage and do most of the house work but he's still frequently angry at me. I now feel like I just want my space back so at least I have my peace at home. I just feel really sad though because I really thought I had finally found someone a proper partner and now I'm going to be alone again with no energy or stomach for getting out there yet again.

Well done for having the strength and presence to end your current relationship.

Perhaps you should take a step back from dating for a while, and consider counselling to see if you can dig into why you keep ending up with the wrong men? In other words, think of it as a positive to be "alone again" for now, rather than there being something missing.

You don't need a man in your life in order to become a complete person.

I agree, you need to end this and tell him to move out again. He's living in your home and treating you like dirt. What makes him think he has any right to do that?

@moderate Thank you, I am trying to see it that way. I don't think I could face dating for a really long time to be honest. Its just something I always wanted and its sad to really let go of that.

Might be worth looking at freedom programs so you break the cycle of being with problematic men. Or just take a long break from them.

Otherwise, don't look at being single as a bad thing. Enjoy it. Start up some hobbies or join some groups.

I agree your current relationship probably needs to end if it's unhappy but it is unusual that at 47 your longest relationship is only 2 years. Do you tend to pick real stinkers, are you self sabotaging, or are there other issues you've not mentioned?
Have you considered therapy OP to help you get to the bottom of why this keeps happening to you?

I think you need to focus on how you keep getting with these men. The good ones out number the bad, are you ignoring red flags. Continuing as you wish a relationship? For your sake it is worth not giving up, but working out why this keeps happening.

An example is op, how was this man able to move in without agreeing to cover 50 percent of the bills and 50 percent of the housework . Did he just play nice so he could get cheap lodgings. What conversations took place in advance how did it get to the stage of you paying for most stuff and doing all the work?

Of course you want your space back - he barely contributes to the running of the household and on top of that he has a temper and is controlling. It's not even a relationship - it's just him taking and taking and taking. Of course you can mourn for what could have been, but it's really far more important to look at what you do not want - which is him under your roof. All your energy and effort needs to go on getting rid of him and only then can you lick your wounds and, honestly, reflect on your lucky escape, no relationship is better than one like that. Also happy to confirm that life doesn't end at 47 - I am currently chunkier than I'd like to be, on an ENT referral list and with enough HRT to shake a stick at... I've been asked out three times in the past fortnight, I'm not remotely at my optimum at the moment and this was BEFORE the heatwave, so hopefully aforementioned love interests weren't out of their mind due to the weather! Chin up, taking this action now is doing something really healthy and good for you.

All credit to you for realising your current relationship needs to end due to the abuse he metes out.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What is your dad like?. Did he leave you as a child. It likely all starts with him. He was your primary
male role model. Be on your own and do not date further until you have at least had some counselling re your past relationships and completed the Freedom Prpgramme.

Please seriously consider your safety - physical and mental. Have a plan in place, get some guidance online. Think of the steps required to remove him from your home and then your life. Do you have people IRL you can tell that can support you.

I just didn't date for a long time to be honest. I was happy being single though my 20's and early 30's but as I got past 35 most of my friends had coupled up and were starting families and when I saw how happy they were I began to realise I'd like someone too. I probably just left it a bit late to start trying to meet someone probably. I think by this age most of the good men are already taken and if a good man is available it won't be for long. I have a friend in a similar boat actually who is absolutely beautiful but didn't date for the longest time due to focusing on bringing up her son. She's been dating over the past 10 years as well with no much luck either. I am prepared to admit that I was so happy that I'd finally met someone who appeared to want and value me that I may have overlooked things that others might have seen, I'm not sure.

You obviously miss red flags at the beginning, which keeps you locked in for a few years versus doing a lot of cutting bait at the beginning when the display red flags, which would've kept you free to eventually find the keeper.

Though he didn't display red flags in his lovely treatment of you before he moved in, you likely saw his financial instability. Because if he's a man in his 40s, he should've been established in his own home, etc. Not readily a person who could quickly hop on over to your shelter after a year.

Maybe think back through all your relationships and list red flags you overlooked. Read some articles on what to look for if you have a hard time with that task. Your self-worth also likely needs a boost, because subconsciously, you may believe that's what you deserve--a substandard man. And bullies are attracted to easy prey. The losers are drawn to you because they know you'll put up with their BS.

At least you have the spine to finally release the losers.

As suggested, be safe in the breakup. Seek therapy. Make your life a fulfilling one so you will want a companion to add to your joy, but not be the sole reason for your joy. Take care.

Yes you absolutely need to get this man out of your house, and your life. Well done for recognising that even though the thought of being single again makes you feel sad.

For what it's worth, I think it's infinitely preferable to be single than in an abusive relationship. Think of the freedom - to come and go as you please, to relax in your own home, to not worry about his disapproval and anger. Try and see it as a gift to yourself, peace and freedom.

If you feel that this is a pattern in your relationships, that you are picking the wrong men, then that is absolutely something you need to explore in therapy. Give some time over to just working on yourself and you will be in a much better place. You are important and you matter. You deserve to be happy 💐

I do feel that in the past if I've recognised the abusive behaviour I've ended things but I was perhaps this time sucked in by behaviour that was in retrospect love bombing.

I hope he leaves quickly and quietly.

Some of us just aren’t designed to be in long term romantic relationships. It took me a long time (and two divorces) to realise I am much happier single. 💐

I've been in a pretty similar boat @magentbobble, I am dating now again (mid 40s) but I have had a string of similar relationships before taking a long break, partly because of motherhood but also partly because I needed to look at why on earth I kept ending up with the same type of men. I can recommend the website Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue, it really helped me. And made me realize that if a relationship was not adding to my life, why be in one at all?!

This appears to be a pattern in that you attract/pick abusive men. Please do the Freedom Program or equivalent so that any future relationships you choose to have are with men who deserve you, not abuse you.

I did the same thing as you, most of my relationships were toxic at best, abusive at worst. I've done an equivalent FP course and have chosen to remain single. It's OK to not be in a relationship.

Good luck with getting him out. If you feel threatened by him at any point, please don't hesitate to call 999 and get the Police involved.

If you have been together 2 years and he moved in last year that was way too quick..did he pressure you into it? I always refused to live with boyfriends I made it clear it wouldn't happen as I needed my space. He's a Cocklodger who has no rights to be in your house. Well done for seeing you need to get rid of him. Next time have a relationship without living together if that's what you prefer.

When you say “increasingly controlling, always in a bad temper or angry at you”

has he ever been violent either with things or to you? Do you think he has the capacity to be violent? Would you consider a Claire’s Law?

The biggest risk to women in relationships is when a relationship ends and the time after. What do you know about his relationship history and how does he talk about exes?

How do you plan to tell him that he needs to move out and that the relationship is over? Do you have good security on your home? Could you change the locks, get a ring doorbell? Do you have people IRL to support you emotionally and protect you?

Dont beat yourself up about being “love bombed” it’s very hard to know that is happening at the start of a relationship - it’s no different to enjoy eating a delicious cake only to find out later it has poison in it - often there are no signs.

What support do you need to plan the end of this relationship and remove him from your home?

You can request a Clare’s Law review online, in total confidence, he never needs to know. It would be good to understand what unknown risk you are dealing with before you push the button.

https://www.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/cl/triage/v2/request-information-under-clares-law

It seems he love bombed to get a place to stay on the cheap. It’s shocking behavuour that’s not that uncommon, the issue is when they get their feet under the table they stop trying to pretend, it’s too hard. And you see whay you’re seeing now. The reality of it.

just end it op.

Of course @Cloudconfusion- love bombing is the classic precursor to cock-lodging - how did we miss that?

What was his housing / financial situation @magentbobblewhen you met?

I think the idea that we attract or pick abusers is complete victim blaming horseshit tbh.

Those sorts of men cast a wide net. The only way to avoid them is to spot what they are early on before they get their claws in. And guess what? They lie.

Youre not picking wrong’uns. They are choosing you and pretending to be on their best behaviour until they have you hooked. That can happen to anyone.

There are red flags, sure. But they vary from jerk to jerk.

You're doing the best thing in leaving when it becomes apparent they are controlling.
So, pat on the back for that.

I do think we all need to get rid of the idea that men are a happy ever after or, the end goal though.

Pressure or desperation to find a guy or have kids is reason to be MORE cautious, not less. Because we have to check ourselves more and make sure we aren’t ignoring red flags.

I think you need to make peace with the idea that family in the traditional sense might not happen for you. That’s a hard thing to do. But we all should do it in our mid thirties. So that we don’t end up driving ourselves mad or settling for some wastrel.

But better to have no kids and freedom than have kids and be tied to an abuser by them forever.

Or choose to be a mother by sperm donation. I have a few close family and friends who have taken this route - 1000x better than trying to Co-parent with an absolute wanker for 2 decades.

Maybe a bit reckless to recommend it though. I wouldn’t recommend that to anyone who isn’t independently wealthy with a really solid support system. Single parenting isn’t for the faint of heart. But yes, definitely better than doing it with some crappy coparent tbf!