Overbearing yet emotionally unavailable mum - at the end of my tether now

[ToomuchToomuch1]

Hope it’s ok to talk about my mum here.

I feel like I’m finally at the end of my tether with her. For 30-odd years, her behaviour towards me has been really volatile and smothering but also zero emotional support or nurturing growing up. Basically she can oscillate between furious and raging, and total silent treatment, with what she would like to think is a ‘soft and squishy’ middle ground, and that’s how she mostly acts now she’s a grandma.

The thing is, I know it’s an act and I’m on edge all of the time around her. She’s decided that she visits me and DD fortnightly and my dad facilitates this. Last week they turned up for what they have decided is their ‘usual’ visit. Because I had nothing else planned and was caught unawares, I felt I had to let them in (I know).

They stayed from 10am until gone 7pm. I had nothing much in for lunch as I wasn’t expecting to cater for them. My mum sat there all day being waited on, drinking multiple cups of tea and not helping at all as I ran around with DD.

DD’s bedtime is a bit fraught at the moment (usual toddler stuff) and I said I couldn’t offer them dinner and could they be out for DD’s bedtime. Lo and behold, they stay sitting around downstairs while I get everything sorted and eventually get DD down. Her bedtime becomes a spectator sport and I absolutely loathe it. They were still there when I got down and I’m afraid I was quite short with them.

After they left, I felt incredibly guilty. The thing is, I’ve never had a close relationship with my mum and now it’s got so bad that I can’t even look at her, I have this visceral reaction of revulsion. There’s a huge huge amount of really awful behaviour from her over the years that’s led to me feeling like this. I feel totally powerless in the relationship and my dad has never ever protected me, and still puts my mum first now.

My DH sees the impact their visits have on me, and it feels like I’m under a cloud for days afterwards. He wants me to see them less, and honestly, I want to see them less too. I would be relieved beyond belief never to have to see my mum again, such is the damage she’s done to me.

After the visit, my dad sent a load of pictures of DD to the family group chat - all of them with my mum. I can’t bring myself to keep up appearances any more and ‘❤️’ the pictures like I’m supposed to.

Help?

Your DH is right and you need to drop the rope here when it comes to your mother and her enabler husband. Women like your mother cannot do relationships and need a willing enabler to help them, this is your dad. He is a weak man who cannot be relied upon either and is her secondary abuser.

They were not good parents when you were growing up and they have not changed in all the years since. Have a read of and post on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages and read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. If they are too difficult for YOU to deal with it’s the SAME deal for your child too. Your child needs emotionally healthy role models and your parents do not fit the bill. It’s not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. Deal with your feelings of fear obligation and guilt through therapy and read the website out of the fog.

OP, you need to explain to me in words of one syllable why you still want a relationship with this woman. Because she's your mother? So what? You're an adult, you have choices....
Listen to your husband, he talks a lot of sense, and has your best interests at heart.

@Miranda65 oh I don’t want to be, it’s 100% fear and obligation. I’ve tried lowering contact before and it was horrendous - she was calling, texting and emailing me multiple times before I’d even got to work, she sent my dad to see me, I was summoned to their house by my granny etc etc etc. Part of me thinks that it’s not worth that stress and another part of me thinks, well, I’d just tell her where to stick it this time, because I have DD to think about first and foremost. Thank you for your reply.

She's controlling and manipulating you.

I second the pp's good idea of reading some of the Stately Homes threads on here about toxic parents, and the book suggestion.

I think if being around your mother makes you feel this awful, you should go no contact if that's what you want. You're under no obligation to have a relationship with her just because you happen to be related.

Have a plan to deal with the fallout -

Block her number so she can't call and message you.

Lay down boundaries with your dad - if he wants to see you, the condition is you don't want to talk about mum and he is not allowed to try and persuade you to change your mind because you're not going to.

Ignore any summons to discuss it - you've made the decision and you don't want to discuss it any further.

Ask your DH to intervene and advocate for you if you're struggling.

really volatile and smothering but also zero emotional support or nurturing growing up. Basically she can oscillate between furious and raging, and total silent treatment, with what she would like to think is a ‘soft and squishy’ middle ground

No advice but just to say solidarity as this hit me in my soul. Late DM I think had undiagnosed anxiety disorder. She was obsessively overprotective but in an angry way. Our family revolved around avoiding outbursts. Frequent silent treatment/sulks if I dared do anything she deemed dangerous.

Ooo. So toxic. Hard to deal with.

100 percent FOG. Fear, obligation, guilt. I know what you mean regarding the visceral reaction and the soft, granny act. We can see through the act.

Your dads propped her up forever. He’s fifty percent of the problem.

I would recommend implementing boundaries but have therapy whilst you do so. There will be a lot of anger, grief and hurt sitting underneath it all. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. You’ll be a better parent for it long term as you don’t want to start parenting in a guilt like way (which is common with a mother like yours).

Get reading. Honestly, read as many books as you can on toxic parental relationships. There’s some wonderful content out there that can help you stay strong whilst implementing boundaries.

I am 38 now and it’s a lot easier to stand firm and be assertive. I only wish I had done it sooner.

A place to start…..

• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents — Focuses on emotionally unavailable, self-centered parenting patterns and long-term effects on adult children.
• Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers — Specifically addresses narcissistic maternal relationships and recovery.
• Will I Ever Be Free of You? — Explores recovery from emotionally abusive or narcissistic relationships, including parents.
• Children of the Self-Absorbed — Focuses on coping with self-absorbed or narcissistic parents.
• Understanding the Borderline Mother — Classic framework for identifying borderline personality patterns in mothers.
• Stop Walking on Eggshells — Practical guide for families affected by borderline personality disorder.
• Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist — Focuses on breaking codependent caregiving patterns in dysfunctional relationships.
• Disarming the Narcissist — Strategies for dealing with narcissistic behavior while maintaining boundaries.
• Rethinking Narcissism — Explains narcissism as a spectrum and how it manifests in relationships.
• Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving — Covers trauma responses often linked to abusive or unstable parenting.
• The Body Keeps the Score — Broader trauma framework often used for understanding long-term effects of childhood emotional abuse.

Good luck. ♥️

So sorry you’ve been through this too. Our family also revolves around keeping my mum on as even a keel as possible and my dad really expects us to put ourselves out in order to make that happen. I’m exhausted and full of resentment about it.

Thank you so much. I’ve read the Body Keeps the Score and will have a look at the others.

I feel as though I’m just waiting until my last elderly relatives are no longer here and then the guilt of lowering contact will be less. I know that my mum would have no qualms about drawing them into things and I have absolutely no desire to make their last years more stressful than they need to be.

She really can’t see that her behaviour is and has been toxic. It’s affected so many parts of my life - friendships, romantic relationships, school, uni, work, my relationship with my ILs (who she is bitterly jealous of because we live near them and they look after DD twice a week).

Even my sister didn’t think to let me know about the visit, she just booked the day off and went along with it.

Not one of them thought ‘oh we’d better check OP is actually ok with this’, and then proceeded to stay for 9 hours while I catered to them and tried to do all the usual DD stuff at the same time. I was utterly done by the end of the day (and furious).

I’d posted my dad’s Father’s Day card and present on the assumption I wouldn’t see him before the day, and I still had to message to ask if it had arrived ok before getting a thank you.

It’s like they expect this stuff of me, and I’m really heartily sick of it.

You need to go properly NC and block her. Same goes for any flying monkeys drafted in to whip you back into line as her emotional punchbag.

It’s good that you are now properly recognising that none of this is healthy.

Ask yourself which is worse - the feelings when you acquiesce to her or the feelings when you cut her off! The latter will undoubtedly be difficult in the short term but this will change over time if you stick to your guns. And you have a lovely DH who will help you navigate any choppy waters.

So what if your M complains to other family members. That’s not your fault and you are not responsible for how they respond to being dragged in.

You absolutely can block your mum, refuse to respond to any family questions relating to your alleged shortcomings, ban your parents from visiting.

It’s time to protect yourself, your marriage and you your DC.

@ToomuchToomuch1No real advice but I feel your pain and could easily have written your post although I’m probably a bit older than you. My mother repulses me. As you say it’s such a strong reaction and I felt abnormal for feeling like that. I actually ended up googling my reaction and apparently it’s not actually that unusual especially if you’ve suffered emotional abuse from a parent. It made me feel better that I’m not some kind of monster as that is how my feelings made me feel. My mother has consistently been cold, critical and judgemental all my life and now I refuse to see her unless my sister or some other relative/friend is there. I do limit my time with and ideally would never see her again.

I would love to go NC but I feel guilty because my sister is always running around after them and I feel I should do more and I don’t have the same feelings about my Dad. He is her enabler but was a much better and kinder parent. You need to step back as much as you can and try and change the parent/child dynamic. You’re not a child anymore and your mother has no right to impose her will on you and tell you what to do.

Second paragraph hit a note with me too OP. Sounds like there are a lot of us about.
I'd recommend adding Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel to your reading list.

It doesn’t have to be like this. You can reset the balance. It’s not easy because you have been programmed since birth to put her first. But change is absolutely possible, you can find a new equilibrium.

My reading list suggestion is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

You may need to cut them all off. Your dad and your granny are 'flying monkeys', doing your mum's bidding and making you feel guilty. I'm sure that they are doing this for an easy life themselves. You don't want you child to be subjected to your mum's behaviour when they are old enough to realise what's going on.

Think how peaceful your life will be without her in your life or in your head. You have a supportive DH so bite the bullet and imagine how lovely your life will be without her toxic presence.

Your dad chose to marry your mum. You didn't choose her as a mother. Your dad has no right to expect you to put yourself out to the detriment of your mental health so he can carry on with the delusion that you have a normal relationship with your mum and him. He is using you as a human shield. He is as abusive as she is.

Thank you for your replies, everyone. They mean so much. My brain is feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all (and the heat).

I’m not going to be allowed to ‘go quietly’. I’ve muted the family group chat and check it periodically when I feel I should. Mum was on there asking about DD and the dog in the heat and obviously I hadn’t replied. Then they must’ve seen that I’d seen the messages then, because immediately there was a message from my dad saying ‘Mum asked XYZ’. I want to not have to message every single day. Just leave me alone.

When I was at uni, mum would phone me every single evening without fail, at exactly the same time. If I didn’t pick up, she’d call my boyfriend. I utterly loathed it and just wanted to be left alone. She also asked for my timetable and wanted to put a tracking app on my phone. (Both of which I managed to decline, thank god).

If we didn’t live in a world of being constantly contactable, I think it’d be so much easier to quietly withdraw.

Message this morning saying ‘can you let us know if Friday swimming isn’t convenient which afternoon over the weekend works out best xx’ (always all of the xxx’s!)

It’s so presumptive. It’s not ‘what works for you?’, it’s ‘here are your options.’

I’ve replied with an alternative that will mean not seeing them three times in three weeks and have been left on read.

Receiving a message from her makes me feel nervous and panicky. It’s not normal to feel like that when you hear from your own mum.

I have the same visceral reaction to my father's texts. For many years didn't even have his number in my phone. I delete his texts without reading. Annoyingly he hovers over my mother when we facetime. I cover his face with my hand so I don't see him. I feel panic and revulsion if I have to deal with him. I moved to the other side of the globe and glad I only have to see him every few years. Even then I find it very stressful. When I last visited he sent me a photo of me sitting on a sofa near him and my entire body was twisted away from him. Being near him returns me to feeling like his victim of verbal and physical abuse of childhood and teens. My mother pretends everything is normal - she's the enabler but was also abusive growing up.

@BlackSwan so sorry you have such similar feelings and experiences. I can also totally identify with the other parent pretending everything is fine.

Apparently my dad said to my sister ‘OP seemed stressed’ when they visited - yes, no wonder!? It baffles me that he can’t see how stressful and uncomfortable I find it to be around my mum.

Two things are occurring to me - one is that, to him, she’s his wife and she’s difficult but he met her and got to know her as an adult, so the impact of her behaviour on him is different to that on a child, particularly a child who grew up with her as their one and only mother. That impact is really profound and damaging.

The second thing is that, I can’t think of many or any other circumstances where we’d be expected to stay in touch and facilitate a relationship with a person who (emotionally and psychologically) abused us. But because ‘she’s your mum’, it’s expected that we put up and shut up.

It really is damaging to be forced by peoples' expectations (and denial) to maintain some semblance of a relationship. Going total no contact is always the other option - but very hard with close relatives without totally isolating yourself from family. Living a 24 hour journey away (and in vastly different time zones) has been the only option for me.