I grew up in a household with domestic abuse. How should I process this and move on?

[LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE]

This is going to be a bit complicated - I've migrated here temporarily from the Cockroach cafe as I feel like all I am doing on there is being sad and I'm not being a very supportive forum member.

I grew up in a household with emotional/verbal abuse and coercive control from my stepfather. Thus was directed mostly at my mother but also towards me. He was (and is) mercurial, aggressive, prone to long sulks and cycles of depression/love bombing/threats of suicide. My mother has suffered a very long time. I had a watershed moment with him in my 20's resulting in him mostly leaving me alone. I have always told her she could leave and I would support her.

Due to complex circumstances, my mother and stepfather came to live in a cottage on our land (~20 metres from our house). His health has not been good and he now has dementia, mobility issues, etc. My mother has been his main carer which has been a thankless task. I have been very involved with arranging healthcare and more recently, ordering continence aids, arranging Frailty clinic assessments etc. I have LPA for Health and Finance - foolishly I didn't think I'd need to use them as he is so much older than my mum.

Last week, things reached crisis point. My mum no longer felt safe in the cottage and finally left. This has been really difficult, I am signed off work sick. I have taken over my stepfather's care and am speaking to his GP, psych nurse and social services.

My question is per the title. I am still afraid of this man in some ways. He has shaped my attitude towards men and my instincts in confrontational situations are very flight/fright/freeze based. I have a lovely DH and fantastic DC and I think in my home, the cycle is over, but I need to heal.

The worst part is gaslighted myself that I am overthinking all of it. Sometimes I wish my stepfather would just hit me and I could have him arrested and it would be over.

Bump?

Is your mum now in your house? Does Stepfather have carers coming in? I would speak to social services about moving him to a care home - is that a possibility? I wouldn't want him on my property frankly. You don't owe him anything and if your mum's no longer with him, you shouldn't ever have to see him again.

You're definitely not overthinking it.
It's not possible to gaslight oneself.
Your mother no longer felt safe and had to leave.
Dementia brings out the worst in even the best of us, let alone your father.
You don't owe him anything.
Do whatever would bring you most relief.

Thanks for the messages. I slept so poorly last night.

Social services are involved but as there is no risk to life, it won't be rapid. However I have organised a care agency from Monday which is a relief.

The domestic abuse charity that are supporting my Mum have also been in touch with me and I am hoping I can do some work with them.

And tomorrow I am seeing a solicitor.

You need to step back from his care as soon as you can manage.

if you have LPA it may not be quick or easy. Does anyone else have LPA?

I’d advise therapy in the meantime

You do not owe this man anything. You were abused by him and your mother failed you as a child. They both sound like a complete nightmare and I see you are expected to mop up the mess. Your dysfunctional childhood has trained you to be the rescuer / fixer. Look at having some counselling.

Call social services and get him put into a home. Caring for a person who abused you is incredibly harmful. You need to put yourself first. Your mother is a lost cause and needs boundaries. Why are you housing them both anyway?

Not suggesting you do this immediately, but have you read/listened to Ingrid Clayton’s book, Fawning? I grew up witnessing violence in the home and it has affected my whole life, relationships, work, etc, and I’ve totally minimised its impact. Clayton’s book is excellent and she has loads of podcast eps listed on her website. It’s really helping me to see how my childhood has shaped me and, crucially, what I can do now to help myself and - as you say - to heal. I’ve had a tonne of therapy over the years but this book has really switched a light on and my therapist thinks it’s excellent, too.

My mum is lovely and my husband and I are very happy to have her with us. People seldom have straight forward lives and there are lots of reasons that we are where we are. Coercive control and verbal abuse were not really recognised in the 1980s.

I have social work, old age Psychiatry, LPA etc all ongoing but it isn't as simple as saying "get him out". There have to be care needs assessments and financial assessments, some of which I can't do until I can access bank accounts.

Really I was hoping for support for me from this thread.

This sounds really good and I will definitely have a look at it!