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Original poster

Herpes diagnosis in long term relationship

15 replies

Poptyping123 · 22/06/2026 23:23

Hi all, so I feel very sad and confused right now. Reason being is I have just been told I have Herpes. I thought I had a real bad case of thrush, although I never really get thrush and if I do it's so mild but of course what else would it be I thought. I have been in a relationship for 12.5 years. As far as I'm aware no cheating from him and of course I haven't cheated. So to now be told I've got herpes is just mortifying and upsetting and I'm now thinking how? I have done so much research and I know it can lay dormant but I can't help but think what if he has actually cheated? When I work out the time frame he was away working and I am now overthinking every little detail of him not replying one day for 12 hours, not wanting sex when back (I had missed contraception pills and he said he didn't want to use condom which we never had an issue with using before..) but he accepted a BJ when he came back..I know I could be just being so silly but I can't help but think. I haven't even spoke to him about it yet, we don't live together and he was a little moody about fathers day so we've not really been how we normally are. And the thing is, I can't even bare the thought of telling him, I feel like he'll be horrible to me and accuse me. When I know I have never cheated. If he says he hasn't cheated then I'm happy to believe it's lay dormant, because as much as I overthink,it could literally be that -over thinking and I do trust him I guess, I always think he'd never do such a thing to me. I guess I just wanted to know if anyone had been in same situation and how it was handled etc. I think reading things like "if the outbreak was severe, then it means recent infection" really starts to make me doubt because it was pretty bad and I'm still struggling 12 days later. God I'm just so confused and upset right now.
Thank you

OP posts:
Whynottryagain · 23/06/2026 00:18

My understanding is that it can lie dormant for decades, and that hsv is very common. I wouldn't automatically assume cheating
But I don't think you can know without asking him or snooping. I would feel the same as you.

Not the same, but I think it's very likely that I caught hpv from DH, which was picked up by a smear. I felt really upset about it, but he was quite nonchalant which I didn't like. Tbh I don't think about it any more after five years but I didn't have any reason to suspect cheating (and still don't).

Fetch2 · 23/06/2026 00:19

I had my first outbreak while in a long term relationship and I didn’t think it was from him. I just assumed it lay dormant and decided to come out in that moment. Please don’t be mortified, it’s so common and no partner has ever been bothered (Married now with two kids now ) If he accuses you, shut him down immediately, you don’t deserve that. Personally I’d not bother accusing him, I’d just leave it and assume it was from an ex

VanillaImpulse · 23/06/2026 00:38

Has he had a cold sore and gone down on you recently?

Dubaichocolates · 23/06/2026 00:49

Sorry to hear this. You’re right in saying that if the outbreak is severe, it does point towards recent infection because the the immune system hasn’t seen the virus before. Then typically outbreaks become less and less severe and frequent over time.
I feel like a conversation definitely needs to be had. If he were to accuse you of cheating like you assume, then that is very typical of cheaters because they love to flip the script. His reaction will give you some clues.

CamillaMcCauley · 23/06/2026 01:09

I’ve heard before that an infection can lay dormant for years before suddenly popping up but I would say this is very rare. Sorry to say but it seems quite a lot more likely to be a new infection from your partner.

Holdonforsummer · 23/06/2026 05:29

I think you can have a blood test to see if it is a primary infection or if if your body has developed antibodies to it over the years.

Zanatdy · 23/06/2026 06:11

It can lay dormant yes, but usually that means you have the initial outbreak, which as you say is quite severe, and then it can lay dormant for 20yrs plus. When it returns, it is much milder, not like the initial outbreak at all. Also, you don’t mention you’ve ever had an initial outbreak years ago, so I doubt it’s lay dormant in your body, so i’d say high likelihood its from your partner. Yes it may have lay dormant in him, but he would need an active lesion to pass it on. I’d be asking him questions as i’d say its 99% from him, whether it has lay dormant, that’s the question.

Zanatdy · 23/06/2026 06:14

Zanatdy · 23/06/2026 06:11

It can lay dormant yes, but usually that means you have the initial outbreak, which as you say is quite severe, and then it can lay dormant for 20yrs plus. When it returns, it is much milder, not like the initial outbreak at all. Also, you don’t mention you’ve ever had an initial outbreak years ago, so I doubt it’s lay dormant in your body, so i’d say high likelihood its from your partner. Yes it may have lay dormant in him, but he would need an active lesion to pass it on. I’d be asking him questions as i’d say its 99% from him, whether it has lay dormant, that’s the question.

I’d also say highly unlikely he didn’t know he had it either if it has lay dormant for years, because that initial infection is so severe. So why didn’t he let you know he once had herpes, as even if its now lying dormant, it can reactivate at any point so you should have been informed. I would bet good money he will deny all knowledge and blame you.

TheThingOnTheIce · 23/06/2026 06:25

Op look into a test which checks if this is a new outbreak . I’ve heard it can lie dormant but I’d feel the same as you after 12 years

LJ55776673 · 23/06/2026 06:51

I had this exact thing happen. I was pregnant with my 2nd and 6 years into a relationship. There was no way my husband had cheated, just through lack of opportunity more than anything 🤣 Plus he has never even had symptoms in the 26 years I've known him!

Anyway, doctor who diagnosed told me to leave my husband as it was definitely from him. The nurse ran after me and basically said that doctor was talking rubbish and it can lay dormant. Then first outbreak can be severe especially at times of stress (such as pregnancy).

I can actually pinpoint the person I got it from as the strain (?) I have is actually the one more often associated with cold sores rather than genital. My ex before hubby always struggled with cold sores and wasn't very good at letting me know one was brewing. My face obviously avoided picking it up, not so lucky with the downstairs.

As a positive. That was 20 years ago. I have had one very mild outbreak since. It's not necessarily something that will cause regular issues.

Basically, if you're sure about your partner's faithfulness, don't overthink it. It may not even be from him originally and be a previous partner.

Original poster
Poptyping123 · 23/06/2026 07:45

Thank you everyone, I've sort of accepted it has cold sores down there, isn't life threatening as such. Ive slept with 3 or 4 people before him, been together 12.5 years and now I have herpes along with high cancerous hpv and it just makes me so sad, I feel like I'm riddled!! My body can't seem to fight this hpv either, I've had it for 6 years now. I just feel so upset at not only the thought of him possibly cheating, but the fact I've barely been with anyone before him and now bam here I am with sti and hpv! Do you think doctors would actually check for antibodies for me? I'm just so scared in bringing this up because I really do think he's going to accuse me but I have to be strong and I know I haven't ever cheated. If he generally hasn't, I'm sure he may think the same about me! It's only natural but I'm willing to ask him and accept his answer and move forward.. Whether he will be honest or accepting of what it is I don't know

OP posts:
Original poster
Poptyping123 · 23/06/2026 07:49

VanillaImpulse · 23/06/2026 00:38

Has he had a cold sore and gone down on you recently?

Nope, I've never known him a cold sore ever and he never really goes down there

OP posts:
Original poster
Poptyping123 · 23/06/2026 07:51

Whynottryagain · 23/06/2026 00:18

My understanding is that it can lie dormant for decades, and that hsv is very common. I wouldn't automatically assume cheating
But I don't think you can know without asking him or snooping. I would feel the same as you.

Not the same, but I think it's very likely that I caught hpv from DH, which was picked up by a smear. I felt really upset about it, but he was quite nonchalant which I didn't like. Tbh I don't think about it any more after five years but I didn't have any reason to suspect cheating (and still don't).

This is Exactly what I had though 6 years ago, hpv came up, he was told and he called me an awful name and walked out! Soon came back with flowers once he'd done his research of it laying dormant so this is exactly why I so nervous in bringing this up to him

OP posts:
Whynottryagain · 23/06/2026 08:05

Zanatdy · 23/06/2026 06:11

It can lay dormant yes, but usually that means you have the initial outbreak, which as you say is quite severe, and then it can lay dormant for 20yrs plus. When it returns, it is much milder, not like the initial outbreak at all. Also, you don’t mention you’ve ever had an initial outbreak years ago, so I doubt it’s lay dormant in your body, so i’d say high likelihood its from your partner. Yes it may have lay dormant in him, but he would need an active lesion to pass it on. I’d be asking him questions as i’d say its 99% from him, whether it has lay dormant, that’s the question.

You do NOT need an active lesion to pass it on.

TFImBackIn · 23/06/2026 08:25

I'm so sorry, OP, but I'd be very suspicious of your partner. I don't think he's been faithful.

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