Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do i do?

9 replies

1971girl · 22/06/2026 21:45

I split from my partner 8 months ago. We didn't live together because I live with my daughter who has autism. We were together 5 years. Some good times punctuated by a lot of rows mainly due to his drinking and being a dick on alcohol. I got sick of the rows and walked away. The dog we shared (who lived with him) was put to sleep last week and he was devastated. I dealt with it all and was there to sympathise with him as I am not callous as he was so upset as I was. We got talking and I thought maybe the break apart did us both good and we could maybe try again. I knew he was keen. He has taken no responsibility for his drinking and how it contributed to our break up. It was never physical but was verbal at times. I am 55 and don't need any drama. He said he missed me and wasn't coping well. Fast forward a few days and I discover he has been drinking all day today. I challenged him by phone and he said I was hard work! I said what normal person drinks during the day on a Monday. I said I wasn't going back to that and I have to think about myself and I can't fix him. He needs to fix himself. He's in total denial. He thinks I'm the one that is hard work. I told him I would be there as his friend but that is it. He has some good qualities and isn't a bad person. I just think it's a turn off that he isnt doing constructive things with his day. He is on the sick for mental health issues atm. I don't want to hurt him. He makes me feel like a power struck manipulator and like I am pulling all the strings with our relationship. I feel like a gaslighter or something! He said I am back to my old self and hammering him again and it is sick. I just want a healthy relationship. I was doing ok on my own for 8 months. Maybe I got back with him over sympathy for the dog. He just can't see he is at fault. I am not perfect but in the last three days I got him antibiotics for a chest infection and helped him in other ways. Wtf do i do? No harsh judgement please as I am looking for clarity.

OP posts:
NotAWurstToIt · 22/06/2026 22:03

OP you were kind to him over your dog and that was a nice thing to do. However, he hasn’t changed regarding his drinking and doesn’t want to change.
This is a major problem and will likely only get worse.
Step back - he can get his own antibiotics and you’re not his mum.
He was verbally abusive to you and is an alcoholic. Whilst you still have contact with him you’re not allowing yourself to move on.
He’s not the right man for you and, realistically, he shouldn’t be in a relationship at all - he needs to sort his drinking out, but he doesn’t want to and you can’t do it for him.
It’s time to move on and find someone else if that’s what you want. Don’t spend more time with him and cut contact.

whippersnapper55 · 22/06/2026 22:19

If you want a healthy relationship you've picked the wrong man - a verbally abusive alcoholic. He hasn't admitted he has a problem and is trying to blame you instead. Don't waste any more of your time on him. You have a daughter to take care of, you don't want a needy man baby to take care of as well!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2026 22:21

You need to stay away from him altogether. Being friends with him will not work. He’s an alcoholic and you will just further end up enabling him and his addiction to alcohol. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. You will never be able to have a hearty relationship with him due to his alcoholism. You did not cause his alcoholism , you cannot control that and you cannot cure that. The only person who can help him is him and you need to accept that truth.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see alcoholism as a child?. You we now 55 and want no drama: if this is indeed the case you need to cease all contact with him. Read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. Love your own self for a change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2026 22:23

And the last thing your daughter needs too is to have someone like this man in her life. He’s no good for you and certainly no good for her.

SunflowerTed · 22/06/2026 23:12

You were doing ok. Leave him to the bottle and move on. If not for you for your daughters sake

1971girl · 22/06/2026 23:56

NotAWurstToIt · 22/06/2026 22:03

OP you were kind to him over your dog and that was a nice thing to do. However, he hasn’t changed regarding his drinking and doesn’t want to change.
This is a major problem and will likely only get worse.
Step back - he can get his own antibiotics and you’re not his mum.
He was verbally abusive to you and is an alcoholic. Whilst you still have contact with him you’re not allowing yourself to move on.
He’s not the right man for you and, realistically, he shouldn’t be in a relationship at all - he needs to sort his drinking out, but he doesn’t want to and you can’t do it for him.
It’s time to move on and find someone else if that’s what you want. Don’t spend more time with him and cut contact.

Thank you. Yes. I just told him it is over again. Nasty messages are starting. He hasn't changed one bit. Single life is peaceful.

OP posts:
1971girl · 22/06/2026 23:58

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2026 22:21

You need to stay away from him altogether. Being friends with him will not work. He’s an alcoholic and you will just further end up enabling him and his addiction to alcohol. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. You will never be able to have a hearty relationship with him due to his alcoholism. You did not cause his alcoholism , you cannot control that and you cannot cure that. The only person who can help him is him and you need to accept that truth.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see alcoholism as a child?. You we now 55 and want no drama: if this is indeed the case you need to cease all contact with him. Read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. Love your own self for a change.

Thank you. I was thriving. I am going back to being on my own.

OP posts:
NotAWurstToIt · 23/06/2026 06:53

OP you’ve done the right thing. Block him - there’s no need to keep in contact now.

PetulaGordeno · 23/06/2026 08:31

At 55 or so he is who he is - a nasty alcoholic.
His only relationship is with alcohol.
He doesn’t mind having you around as a carer but he can’t provide you with anything.
I am a similar age to you OP and to be frank at our time in life you don’t need the fuss and it will be drama all the way.
You have enough on your plate in your own life to be receiving nasty messages. Stop worrying about ‘hurting’ him he’s doing that to himself.
He can’t be helped.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page