He kicked off that I’ve been at my nieces bedside in hospital. He is loving and makes the effort but I feel done. Will I regret leaving a “loving” man though?

[EveSquire91]

I won’t give the full backstory but I’ve been with my fiancé for around 5 years. We have a daughter together. We got together a year after a previous 8 years very abusive relationship I was in. My now partner felt very safe, loving, made the effort etc. all the things I had been starved of for 8 years. However we had very little in common. He is a few years younger than me, different taste in music, interests, how we handle things. Pretty much opposites in every way. I was so glad I found a live that felt safe I think I completely overlooked this. Anyway. After having our child we had a rough few years, he handles stress so differently to me. He gets angry, selfish and just child like to be honest. Postpartum was hard for me because I was extremely triggered by my past experiences and finding myself dealing with similar behaviours again. I have left twice now I think. He has paid for some therapy and it’s okay. I will say our communication is great, he always apologises for anything wrong and tries to figure a way forward. He shows love to me and all the things people typically want. Here is my confusion. I don’t know if the traumatic time I had when my little one has just killed it for me or if there isn’t enough to “connect” us but I am so unhappy. Every day I have reminders we are so different. I want to relax after a long day he wants to sit and talk and connect every single night. I sound horrible because I am so aware most women probably want someone interested in them that much, I am told I’m loved and desired and all of that but it really wasn’t always this way. It’s come off the back of me wanting to leave after times that were so traumatic and feels suffocating now. If we don’t have as much time together as he wants it’s a problem that needs to be discussed until the early hours. Again if I’m tired because I have two children, am self employed and pay for it all (not to mention my toddler wakes up multiple times a night and gets up between 4/5am every day? it’s a problem. The kicker came today after spending the past 2 days in hospital with my niece who is having seizures they can’t stop after an operation. My mum is very full on and not calm or helpful in situations like that so I’ve been there for my sister and niece. Her fiancé isn’t much help. Yes they should be better help but also sometimes you have to know who is right to support and who isn’t. I’m not chasing people to come support my sister either. I will happily sit there day and night. Well he’s kicked off about that too. He didn’t get enough time with me last night. I got home at 8 and went to bed at 10:30 after spending time with him. He also decided to rant and get irate they haven’t pulled their weight and it’s all on my which effects my energy and how I show up for my family. I had my daughter in the morning yesterday before heading to the hospital, gave him all his gifts for Father’s Day and let him sleep in for a few extra hours. I can’t see how I’ve let it effect my family but even so I’m sorry but my niece is the priority atm. My children are loved and looked after and fine. I just don’t understand how he acts. Anyway. I guess my question is has anyone left someone who is very loving and wants time etc because you just aren’t aligned? I know him and it’s going to be hell for a while if I leave but I am so tired of having to pretend I’m happy to keep him happy.

He is not the good one you thought he was. Sometimes you have to step back and look at the bigger picture like when a family member is in hospital other peoples needs get pushed back for a bit. He does not have the capacity to do that. Even older children easily do that, only babies can only completely prioritise themselves.

You are right. I dealt with a narcissist for many years and I think it has really affected my confidence in knowing when I am right to feel a certain way. He’s apologised this morning and said he’s been selfish so now im questioning myself again that I have someone who says sorry and tries to do better so I would be silly to throw it away. It’s a constant cycle.

You're probably well aware of this now but it seems as though you leapt in too fast after your previous relationship ended.

8 years in a very abusive relationship would almost definitely warrant staying single for longer.

But regardless of any kicking off or the reason for it, you two really don't sound compatible.

He can't apologise his way out of abusive, controlling behaviour.

Did I read it right that you pay for everything?

"I am so tired of having to pretend I'm happy to keep him happy"

Seems to me that he wants to have your undivided attention and sulks when he doesn't get what he wants. His expectation is that you will put him at No 1 all the time, no matter how tired or stressed out you are, and expects his needs to come before yours. What does he do to make your life easier? What does he do to make you feel happy? What level of support does he give when you are on your knees with exhaustion and need time to de-stress?

You are having to pretend that you are happy in order to keep him happy. Stuff that for a game of soldiers. That is no basis for a relationship.

He's not loving to you, at all.

He’s selfish, needy and possessive. That’s enough reasons to call time on the relationship.

He doesn’t try and do better though does he? He SAYS he will, but doesn’t. Hes got you right where he wants you hasn’t he? He knows exactly what to say to get you back in line.

You are in an emotionally abusive, controlling relationship. It may be a different sort of abusive relationship from the last one but that doesn't make it not an abusive one.

Therapy hasn’t changed who he is.
He just learnt that saying Sorry is likely the tool to let him get away with murder.

pSame with communication - communication doesn’t mean going in agd in about things for hours. Or to force your partner in conversations they dint want to have for the sake of it.

For me, he sounds like a controlling who learnt to cover his track better.

Fwiw it’s normal for you to be at the beside of your niece.
The fact he kicked off about that is not ok. Even if he ‘apologised’ afterwards.
Because apologies or saying sorry are only worth anything if they are followed by real change afterwards. And it’s not is it?

Sounds like he is a selfish manchild.

Dear God he sounds suffocating and nauseating. Ick.
Youve been a great mother, prioritised kids and shown him some appreciation. Youve then prioritised something and someone that is important. It doesn't matter if it was your niece or your friends kid - you are quite right that sometimes it's about the right person to be there at that time and sometimes that can be someone you barely know who gets you through. I've been the recipient of this help and also the giver. You never forget it. Plus as an mother of an epileptic it is terrifying for months and months. The worry underneath doesn't really go.
You saw him for 2.5 hours last night for your meaningful time!
He sounds insufferable.
You sound amazing. I wish you were my friend.

This idea that (some) people and therapists have that if a person is contrite or “names” or “owns” a problem in a relationship that this is sufficient for the relationship to be considered good is nonsense. Abusive or emotionally incompetent people simply incorporate a seemingly sincere apology into the abuse cycle. often they use therapy speak to do it.

Go back to the research you did getting out of the first abusive relationship because you are in a second one. Look up cycle of abuse as well because you are letting the apology/honeymoon phase of the cycle confuse you.

This is just another abusive relationship and you really need to extricate yourself and your children. This is no way for them to grow up. It sounds utterly suffocating.

Did you say you pay for everything?

Because if you do you I have an inkling that what comes with you is at risk for him.

His housing if this is your place?
The privileges that comes with you such as food, elec, water, the mundane stuff that costs a lot if you are single. Seeing you pay for everything.
And could it be that since you have ended things 2x before he now knows the pattern now and is panicking that all is about to end again and he will need to fend for himself?

The reason I am pointing this out is we tend to overlook this part.
Him going to therapy and saying sorry with no changes is simply put just plain old manipulation. But saying that there is no perfect relationship out there, and if you have not worked on those part of you that were damaged during your last relationship, you two may be brining in some habits unintentionally.

How do you feel when he is not at home? Relief? Or do you miss him?

Do you think, after 5 years, that the next 5 years with him will be different? Or more complex and controlling?

This. He doesn't sound loving at all. Controlling is the word you are looking for.

Just seen your last update. OP is saying sorry really all you want to hear him say?

How do you feel when he is bombarding you with guilt when you go to attend to family, or work, or friends, or children. And you spend too much time in his opinion, and you are not spending enough time with him, or taking away his time with you. Leaving you feeling suffocated. If your child came to you with these issues, what would your advise be? Or your friend came to you and told you all this?

What would you say or do?

Sorry OP but it sounds like you've gone from one abusive relationship to another. He sounds controlling and possessive which is really unhealthy.

You don't have to stay in a relationship if you're unhappy and feel suffocated. Listen to your gut instinct, it is telling you to get out. Have you had therapy? I would recommend that and a period of being single before embarking on any other relationship.

The cycling is a bit of a red flag, tbh. I also think he might be using "communication" to prevent you from getting much needed time on your own to recharge. I don't think endless discussion/arguments/apologies are necessarily a healthy thing.

my question is has anyone left someone who is very loving and wants time etc because you just aren’t aligned

He isn't very loving. He sounds controlling in his need for so much of your attention. That's not love.

He’s apologised this morning and said he’s been selfish so now im questioning myself again that I have someone who says sorry and tries to do better so I would be silly to throw it away.

But does he try to do better, becuase from here, it sounds to me like he just says sorry, and then goes into victim mode at how bad he is, and nothing changes.

You say your ex was narcissistic. I'm afriad to say I think you've got another one here - a vulnerable or covert narcissist (or one with those personality traits).

He's not kind and loving and supportive if all he wants to do is be with you all the time and dominate your time and attention. That's suffocating and controlling.

I bet he hates it if you go out with other people without him?
I bet he causes fights that perhaps make you question your relationship with your family, friends or colleagues? Or perhaps find it easier not to spend time with them?
Why do you pay for everything? is it because work is too hard or stressful or triggering for him and you are a bad person for ever questioining thing?
Do you find yourself worrying what his mood will be like as you walk through the door?
Ditto, if you don't do silly things like greet him enthusiastically enough or buy his favourite biscuit or turn down the bed "to show you love him" does he sulk and get into a mood?
Does he resent the time you spend on your DC?
Does he do anything around the house? I wouldn't be surprised if he does the bare minimum and then if you're upset gets all upset himself because you didn't ask him? OR, he does a fair amount, but basically expects you to fall to your feet with gratitude becuase he did the washing?
Is everything in your house set up to make HIM happy - from what you eat, to how your furniture is placed to who you see?
Do you feel you can ask for space? An evening to read your book or watch a movie he doesn't enjoy?

To add, the straw that broke the camel's back for a friend of mine with a man who was just "so loving and wanted time with her" was after a long weekend of NON stop time together - half with their DC and half just the two of them. He was then going to work on the Monday and she had said she was looking forwrd to a day at home - she was goign to watch bad tv, give herself a mani/pedi, facial etc and just enjoy the quiet....

He turned up 2 hours after he left, claiming that work had sent him home as he wasn't needed. Then got upset with HER because she didn't want to hang out with him.

I don't know what was worse for her - that he couldn't respect her space or that she was fairly certain he'd blown off work because he was convinced she was having an affair. She finally ended it about a week later!