Unsure whether to leave my relationship

[anon90x]

I’ve been with my boyfriend over a year now and have started to notice some worrying behaviour. I’ve been covering up this behaviour and not reaching out to friends and family as he’s always said he wanted to keep our relationship between us. The first thing happened a few months into our relationship and when I was at the school summer fair with my child, my partner didn’t want me to take my 5 yo to his dad. He followed me as I led my child to his dad whilst saying “don’t talk to him, don’t talk to him” …over Christmas he theatebed to leave me if I chose to meet me brother with his wife and their friends as they were part of the same social group as my ex. Lots of things, not giving me space when I ask for it, constant messages and calls and the need to see me. Asking who I’ve spoken to about our relationship continually. Questioning what I was wearing by to bed one night as I’d come to bed with pants on as I was on my period - he kept on and on saying “you don’t usually come to bed in pants, and how heavy are you bleeding to be needing to wear a pad etc etc” it all blew up the other day in front of my parents and brother, they’re really concerned about this behaviour. My mum told him he was treating me like a child. He said he’d seek therapy for this behaviour. I’ve asked for a week of space which he has agreed to, so I can think what I really want. I love him but if it was one of my friends I’d be telling them to leave.

He needs dumping yesterday

What the hell?! He needs to go immediately. Never let him back.

Get rid! Also do a Claire’s Law request so if you are feeling weak a few weeks down the line you will have proof that getting back together is not a good move. It’s a terrible dynamic and you don’t want your child to witness this controlling behaviour and think it’s normal.

I absolutely believe you should've left him some time ago. The next best time is now!

Please leave. He is controlling you and is completely unhinged. Leave before it gets physical.

Unfortunately it sounds like he’s got some massive insecurities, by the sounds of it and just going on the information you’ve given you’re heading for a lifetime of controlling and coercive behaviour. I’d seek some advice from friends and family first,
people who know you both but sounds like the kind of relationship most people want to avoid. Good luck

In what universe could you possibly be unsure about this?

Any one of those things is a leaving offence.

Jesus, he sounds awful, you need to leave him. Like now. You say if it was one of your friends you would say for them to leave, so follow that advice. Be your own best friend, and take her advice. It will only get worse, these people never have a light bulb moment and stop behaving like that, it just escalates. You're only a year in and he's behaving like this already. Your mum sees it, so regardless of the fact you say you love him, listen to her and get rid. He is slowly trying to alientate you from your nearest and dearest so he gets you all to himself. He's showing you who is he, listen to him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

When you start to cover up for other people’s behaviour is the time you should exit the relationship. He deliberately targeted you as a single parent to abuse you. His behaviour towards you is not loving but abusive. You would advise a friend to leave so you should take your own advice here.

Your boundaries are weak and he’s taken full advantage of that. Better off on your own than to be so badly accompanied. Love your own self for a change. You don’t love him, you’re more likely than not to be in a codependent relationship with him.

Btw such controlling types do not respond at all well
ti therapy and he’d need years of it too. Your child also also deserves a better role model than this abusive man of one years standing.

He will never change, please know that.

He will continue to isolate and control you. You and your child deserve so much better than this. It sounds like you have some great and supportive people around you, who care for your well being. Don't lose them, lose him.

Split up with him.

You have dc to think of, you don't need a controlling jealous nightmare of a man bringing this absolute nonsense into your lives.

Thank god for your mum because you can’t see what’s right in front of you.

Just dump him now.

Yes, you must leave. I thought that you must dump him as soon as i read the following words: “I’ve been with my boyfriend over a year now and have started to notice some worrying behaviour. I’ve been covering up this behaviour and not reaching out to friends and family as he’s always said he wanted to keep our relationship between us.”.

That translates as - i want to be able to isolate and treat you badly and for you to have no support. The fact you ever accepted that suggests that for now you are too vulnerable to date.

Get rid of him, make a plan to do it safely and don’t do it in person or in a safe public place if you must.

Love is irrelevant. Sometimes we love people who are bad for us. The healthy thing is to leave the person. Look at the Women’s Aid website for advice on how to handle ending the relationship. This man is abusive. Do NOT be alone with him.

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

Get out now while it is still relatively simple. Do not stay with this man until he ends up cutting you off from everyone.

you deserve better, please please look after you first, and walk away from this walking red flag

Stop thinking with your fanny and get rid of him. He should be nowhere near you and your child.

If you can’t bring yourself to do it for you then do it for your kid.

He sounds nasty and immature. Does he have a key to your house, if he does get it back or change the locks? I'd end it now before the week of space is over and let your brother know when you do it so he can be on hand for support if he kicks off.

You need to safely end the relationship. He is controlling you and starting to alienate you - you must break away from this man to protect yourself and your child. You must see that this is not normal loving behaviour?

I hope you don't live together so it'll be easier to break up. If you are living together, make sure your brother or father are present when the move out happens for your safety. Because he is abusive by him trying to control you and isolate you. That abuse could escalate.

If you don't live together, breakup in a public space so that you're not within hearing distance to others, but in sight so that he can't act erratically and people could come to your aid if needed.

Then be sure to block him so that you don't have to listen to his pleading or abusive language. Perhaps make yourself scarce for a few weeks if you feel he will be knocking on your door. Coming and going to work, be on extra alert in case he's seeking you out to speak to you there.

Think of your child for empowerment in this decision. Imagine him growing up and dealing with a partner like this. Wouldn't you want him to make a quick exit?

My mum told him he was treating me like a child. He said he’d seek therapy for this behaviour. I’ve asked for a week of space which he has agreed to, so I can think what I really want. I love him but if it was one of my friends I’d be telling them to leave

Take advantage of this time by not getting back with him. Controlling and especially jealous behaviour is quite high in men who are dangerous to their partners. I think it might be the number one predictor of abuse actually.

You've been with him for a year but it's totally possible to be with someone for that long and not know them well enough, so there could be escalating behaviour in store for you.

The fact that you'd be telling your friends to leave is incredibly telling. Your alarm bells are going off but you're not listening to them enough. The reason why is because I think you love the person you think he could be, rather than the man he actually is.

Don't listen to the whole therapy thing. Men can make dramatic changes to their behaviour in a very short space of time, but such changes rarely last as they aren't deep, innate changes. That kind of organic change tends to happen over a period of years, if it happens at all. Do you really want to risk wasting all that time and potentially end up in an even worse situation??

Absolutely no question. Dump him. It’s worrying you don’t seem to have recognised the very obvious signs of an unhealthy relationship - after you have left him, I suggest you do the Freedom Programme and / or get some counselling to help you develop some self esteem and ways to identify abusive behaviour in others.

He sounds absolutely rank what on earth do you see in him?
It is very concerning that you are letting this man anywhere near your child. He sounds unhinged.
Asking you how much you are bleeding on your period is really, really, really disturbing. There are a couple of threads on here right now of married women who are being raped in their sleep and during the night. It might seem far-fetched but it starts with control and this man is well on his way.
You sound like you have a good family and friends. If you stay around this man there’s a good chance he will drive them away.
If you can’t put yourself first at least put your child first. Your post is on the most chilling things I’ve read on here for such a fresh relationship.
It won’t get better and therapy won’t do one thing for him.

Dear @anon90x your name felt familiar and so I read your previous post from 2 years ago.
I know this frowned upon here on MN but something sparked my memory.
I am not sure if I should apologise, but your last thread was partly about your last ex raping you in your sleep. You spoke to Women’s Aid and clearly found the courage to leave him but I don’t think it was long before you’ve met this current partner.
You know what’s coming next because you’ve already lived it. Last time you asked for a week’s space and now you are doing it here.
I am not judging you one bit. You have four children to care for, it’s clear you’ve been through a terrible time but you are walking straight into more abuse because you know the signs.
You must really want to love, and be loved, as we all do. But what you have with this ‘partner’ isn’t love, you are putting yourself and your children at risk.
You have support. You know the signs. You know the risks.
You found the strength two years ago, find it again.
Then please for your own sake take a break from meeting someone, be around the people who really love you, and take some time to heal properly.
You deserve it you’ve been through enough.