Why do some men behave like this and can it change

[IndigoHereWeGo]

My partner never seems to want to spend any time with me.
Whenever we actually do, he is on his phone most of the time.
If we sit down to watch a movie or something, he’ll be watching sport, on a group chat or playing a game on his phone.
He stays up late, long after I’ve gone to bed most nights and often falls asleep downstairs. When he does come to bed, he’s asleep in about two minutes.
He refuses to visit my family with me. I bring dc on my own. He comes about once a year at this stage.
He says he wants to do date nights but he never actually does.
He won’t buy me proper gifts. I have to send him links to things I like and remind him.
He can be very, very irritable at times.
He was so irritable when we used to do days out together that we now just take the dc out separately.
When he’s not working, he finds jobs to do that involve going out alone.
He takes dc out for half the day, comes back then heads out on his own.
He is always going out “to get some head space/ fresh air”. If he knows we’re coming home, he’ll head out. It’s hard not to feel like he’s avoiding me.
I rarely actually spend any time with him and it makes me feel sad and lonely.
I don’t know how to talk to him about it because it’s humiliating having to beg for attention or any kind of enthusiasm about our relationship.
Does anyone else have a dp like this? Or if they did, did it ever get any better?
His dad seems very similar and just got progressively worse. His mum used to complain about it.
My partner wasn’t like this when we first met. We were just teenagers then.
But after a few years, say if we went out together for breakfast or lunch, he would get out a newspaper sometimes and hold it up in front of his face just totally ignoring me.
His dad does the same and they all seem to think it’s perfectly normal.
Before we had dc, he would go out at night frequently and not come home til all hours. We used to get in arguments about it. I felt like I was at the end of my rope.
He has stopped doing that except on occasion but he’s so mentally fucked off he might as well not be here.
What do I do?

Leave him. It doesn't even sound like he likes you, let alone loves you.

He's treated you disrespectfully for years, and he's recreating his parents' marriage.

You have the option not to be like his mother.

I think ask him to move out. Then he can have all the head space he needs. He will either get help and come to the conclusion that he is voiding his family to void the uncomfortable feelings it brings up about how his Dad treated his wife and family, or he won't and he just doesn't want to be with you any more. Either way you get to keep your dignity and sanity if you ask him to leave. You will find life easier without being constantly disappointed by him.

As usual, first post nails it.

Set the wheels in motion OP to have a fabulous life for yourself and your children.

You got together as teenagers. I think a peruse of the Women's Aid website will give you strength that you don't feel you have now.

He's awful. Leave him and connect with your woman power. Your children will thank you as adults.

You can do it. (I did, it's hard but well worth it).
Wishing you all the best.

Yeah get rid and don’t waste any more of your life on him.

He doesn't want any kind of Conversation or contact with you unless it's sexual.

You're the housekeeper that he gets to fuck.

He doesn't love you - your existence as a human doesn't really register with him. Your feelings are totally irrelevant to him.

Sorry to be so blunt but it's painfully obvious.

Where did you get the sexual bit from? No mention of that. I would guess you’re correct but just curious as I didn’t read that in the OP

This man doesn’t like you. You can’t change that and you can’t change him. That’s who he is. It’s up to you what you do with that information.

There are people, including women, who are like that and don’t want to have anything to do with anything social, but they remain single and child free.
it isn’t clear from your post why you haven’t left him, or why you had dc with him in the first place tbf, although that ship has sailed.

im guessing you’re a saying together as you don’t know anything else. But the problem is with that that your dc won’t know anything else either and will end up in their own awful relationships.

Good lord OP - living in that situation will be seriously affecting your self esteem. I hope you are able to not internalise and realise that his behaviour is all about him and not you. He is daft and doesn’t understand nurturing a relationship.

look after yourself and DC and put a shield up to that behaviour. You can’t change him.

It’s who he is op. I doubt he’d change. My exh did everything possible to be away from us. We irritated him. He filled his life with lots of hobbies or ran around after family members. We were forgotten. I remember when it really clicked for me. We had gone shopping and he’d been a miserable arse the whole time. He needed to pop into his friends to drop something off on the way home. He left me and our dc in the car while he went inside. 10 mins later it’s getting hot, 15 mins, 20 mins and I get out with our dc and knock the door, he’d forgotten we were with him. I just walked away all the way home thirty mins walk with a newborn in my arms and a toddler. And he didn’t even bother to come find us.

I left 2 years later after getting my ducks in a row and unfortunately him doing something really awful to me so we fled.

in contrast my dh now is so caring and wants to spend time with me. We laugh, we travel, we are close.

you don’t have to live like this op x

Dump him, he's not even worth explaining why, he won't care. Who owns the house?

It seems like he's checked out but doesn't have the cojones to physically leave. Time for you to help him out (with dignity).

Leave? Why would you want to stay with a partner who actively avoids spending time with you? You deserve better.

Had exactly that. Up late (to avoid having to get the kids ready for school), came to bed late and then wanted to have 'sex' - I put it in quotes, because he didn't want to do anything that would result in fulfillment for me - just overly rough, for ages as he struggled to actually finish - to add insult to that, he would complain about not having enough sex, I would be feeling the same way, but he'd do nothing to actually improve that sex (eg come to bed with me, spend any time talking to me in the day etc)

It actually became a kind of awful running joke that if I came into the room he was in, he'd immediately get up and leave (and that's before he started playing away and had to keep his phone secret from me).

Like PP - I took my time to prepare, then ended it - 5 years later and me and the kids are brilliant - I'm finally (not going to lie, it took 3 years to finalise the split, then probably another year for me to finally stop being angry and start feeling at peace again) in a really good place with the kids (who didn't even realise he was gone for over a month!). He only sees them once or twice a month, but they don't mind, as we did all the stuff just me and them anyway.

honestly OP, it eats at you and you don't even realise. You should think about what you want to do about this, and strongly consider leaving. If you can't leave, then you do need to mentally check out and stop trying to include him in anything - it just makes you continuously disappointed/waiting on him to involve himself.

1. They behave like this because they are shits.
2. No, they won’t change.

But also, what difference would it make if loads of other men do this? All that matters is that this must be miserable for you and your children, and you need to get ducks in a row to leave

Agree that he’s completely checked out. This won’t change. So you stay and your life will always be like this. Or you ask him to leave and start again. This is what I did and I never regretted it for a second.

He doesn’t like you. Theres no point in thing yourself into knots to explain the behaviour. This isn’t your fault. Having been with men who didn’t particularly like me and a man who absolutely loves me, the difference is stark.

This is the exact way my ex behaved for years and years. Finally when my dc were 7 and 13 i finally got him to leave. I thought I was doing the right thing for years staying for the kids. My eldest asked me one day “mum why didn’t you leave him years ago, he treated us all like rubbish” it actually broke my heart!! Don’t make the same mistake I did and let your children grow up watching their father not giving a shit about them or you.

If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids. Get him to leave.
He sounds utterly useless.

Hes got things as he wants. He looks like a functioning adult but he has reneged on his part. He won’t want it to change and believe me you are going to hear a lot of hog wash coming out his mouth as he scrambles to make your decision to split look crazy.

I cannot begin to explain the peace, the harmony, the joy you can experience being alone.

You'll have a much happier life without him. He's behaving appallingly and someone's has to take charge and end things.

You will do absolutely fine in time without some guy, and will quickly value all the peace you have without his energy doing this ❤️

I’m sorry x

It sounds like he is a dismissive avoidant. It’s lousy.

I have had this in previous relationships but i also had no life. Do you have a life outside the relationship? Sometimes that shakes them up a bit, sometimes it helps you to transition to ending it. My partner sometimes goes off to do his thing and is on his phone etc., but usually when he sees I am irritated and I take his phone off him he spends time with me. Equally sometimes I am not up for spending my day off with him and go see my friends/do my thing and he says he misses me. It is frustrating and can be a sign the relationship ran its course, but other times he takes you for granted because you are always there.. be more unavailable to him and see how it goes if you don’t see a change in few weeks ask him to move out.

I think he’s learned this behaviour from his father and so that’s what he does. He knows how negative it is, and he’s seen the effect it has had on his mother, but he matters most so he comes first.
I don’t think he will ever change. If he met someone else he might put in a bit of effort and then revert to type.
It is not normal and is horrible for you and your kids.
You don’t have to live like this.