Silent husband

[Hadit16]

Anyone else’s husband non-communicative? Just often silent? I’ve just had a weekend of almost zero talking from husband, despite having been out, had a family member staying (his family) and visited friends. He has said next to nothing. Is he depressed? Because he is depressing me. Honestly, he has always been quiet but this weekend has been off the charts. Married for 25 years. So fed up of carrying the load socially. He is so dull.

I’m not sure how we’d know if he’s depressed?

Has he always been like this or is it a new thing?

What reason does he give for his silence? What's the point of being in company if he's not actually participating? Socialise without him if he cannot be bothered and decide if you want to be with a non speaker.

I'm in a similar boat.I did think depression or some one else which he swears isn't true.
I think my marriage has run it's course.He is a grumpy old man.
How old is your dh

Sounds like he is punishing you for going out and or otherwise having a life by being silent, it’s a form of emotional abuse. He does this because he can and he has learnt this works for him.

He would not treat his work colleagues like that.

I would carefully consider your future life with him. This is who he is and he’s not going to change. Do not engage him in any form of joint counselling. If counselling is to be considered go on your own.

You are going to have to talk to him about it..If it's depression perhaps his GP will give him some meds..If he's just a moody git, you might one to point out we only get one go here. Life is too short to live that way..Good luck OP..

Honestly, he has always been quiet but this weekend has been off the charts.

Have you asked him? If this is exceptional behaviour then you need to sit down and talk to him and ask him what is going on. Perhaps he is worried about something? If he won't tell you if there is a problem you need let him know how his silent behaviour is affecting you.

Some people just are really quiet. They put on a sociable persona for work, but are exhausted by the effort. DH and DS1 can eat a meal in silence, perfectly content. DS2 is a chatterbox, always something interesting to talk about. He’s left home now, and it’s sooooo quiet! At least, little conversation. DH is actually really noisy, but he doesn’t talk much.

I’ve had to learn to let it go and enjoy the peace, rather than trying to fill it with interesting chat.

My ex husband did this. He'd just clam up socially and leave me to entertain everyone. It was so exhausting having to be "on" all the time. Im afraid I became terminally sick of it.
He was even like this with his own friends. Silent Bob.

Some people are quiet. This is different to being depressed.

Do you think he'd rather stay home? Maybe the answer is for you to go on your own and him to have some downtime.

I’m not sure I could live with someone with so little presence. Is it like having another piece of furniture? Do you ever talk to each other? Does he listen if you talk about your day or just ignore you? There’s companionable silence and there’s dead wood; the latter would be a deal breaker.

Is he sulking?

Thanks for your replies. I think he has a lot of family baggage which weighs him down. Made worse by seeing his family this weekend. But he will NOT admit it. He will NOT talk about it. I’m finding it so frustrating. And his silence makes me feel as though he is annoyed with me. He may be, because I ask him what’s wrong all the time and he is sick of it? I’m sick of him.
FFS we all have our problems but don’t take it out on everybody else! He is difficult to live with but he doesn’t see it that way because he is quiet, thoughtful and helpful. But he is a closed book

He needs counselling to untangle all this or your relationship will eventually end.
I have a partner like this, smallest thing will set him off (my daughter ringing for a chat) and suddenly the temperature drops to below freezing and he’s mute apart from social niceties (thank you, yes please etc in response to my question).
He said there was nothing wrong and it was me, I would respond well you normally sit and watch tv (or whatever) and you’ve spent the whole evening in another room and it feels like you aren’t talking to me.
I started to disengage when he did it and just got on with my own life but it meant that any couple activities would be shelved as I certainly wasn’t going out with someone who didn’t speak to me!
I spent a lot of time walking on eggshells or worrying he was going to do it esp if any of my family were
coming round.

He is deeply jealous of my relationship with my family and I have got to the end of my tether and we are separating.
He’s had counselling and his behaviour is probably tied up with his upbringing, his dad was very strict (ex army) and his mother wasnt very loving.

He is trying sooo hard now but it’s just too late; I’m so resentful of the years of lost life due to him not speaking.

I agree.

Thanks @Trotula . This is ringing a lot of bells. Sorry for your situation. Therapy doesn’t work though does it? Not with men who won’t talk! I will take your advice and disengage. It doesn’t do any good anyway. My husband perceives any question, even “are you ok?” as a criticism and immediately gets defensive. It is so tiring. All I want is for him to say “no, x is bothering me. What do you think?”. Not too much to ask for 🤷‍♀️

Yes @Hadit16 exactly! Just an acknowledgment that he’s feeling out of sorts but the denial and turning it back to me was classic gaslighting and I started to feel I was crazy.

I think therapy was a really positive step as it confirmed that he was taking responsibility for his behaviour. He had always denied that he was in a mood/angry/jealous. He engaged well with the counsellor and told me he was honest with him and had told him his behaviour was awful. However, it’s too late for us, he only organised it because I told him we were over, after years of warning him that he was killing my love for him. He ruined so many occasions, cancelled holidays and weekends away and turned me into a shell.

I realised that I just wasn’t functioning well and wasting my life and came up with a plan to cope with his silent treatment; phoned family and friends for a chat, organised meet ups, booked exercise classes,
made plans. I also stopped cooking meals for him, simply said Im
just getting myself something easy tonight I’ll leave you to do your own.

When he came out of his fugue I had things planned in which made me feel positive about life. Once I took control I just felt I could cope alone.

Life is too short!

My partner is like this. I have tried literally everything to try to coax him out of the shell he goes into… gentle and encouraging, angry, exasperated, upset, grounded in logic etc…

He will NOT engage, at all. I try asking questions to get him to respond. The best I ever get is “I don’t know”. He’s a solicitor, so I’ll say “if a client comes to you with a problem, would you ever advise that they just ignore it?” He’ll say no, of course not. But when I say “so why won’t you speak to me so we can talk stuff out/try and resolve these issues that keep coming up”…. “I don’t know”

Like you, I’ve wondered if it’s depression, but I think he’s just an extreme example of an avoidant personality type.

At first it was just when there were issues/disagreements but now it’s basically all the time. I’ve given up on ever having a productive, adult conversation with him. Our interactions are basically limited to “how was your day?” “Yeah fine you?” “Yeah, same” and similar. I’m so angry at myself for putting up with it for so long but I’m trying to get my ducks in a row to leave