Will I ever start a family?

[Username3920]

As a 30 year old man I have never had any luck with dating and as time goes on I worry about never starting a family, im also still a virgin which is another thing that keeps getting to my head because the longer I remain a virgin the less chance women will want me. Im paying a mortgage and at times I feel like there is no point when I dont have a family. Appearance wise im in good shape, 6ft, full head of hair, I have always took pride in my appearance (or at least try to lol) and no matter how much I try I can never get any matches or the women who like me are just not my type and im not even that picky.

I have always wanted to be a father and I know im a virgin, I do get very sexually fustraited but then I've always been against prostitution so I wont be paying for it just to lose it. I have tried casual sites like fabswingers looking for casual which might lead to something serious but never get any messages back from women. Im also autistic.

I just want to be a family man and work hard for my family, a lot of people my age have kids or are planning to with thier partner. If I meet a woman then she'll not have to worry about paying the mortgage because I'll pay for that and I'll also put her name on the house

Do you meet many people? What's your social life like?

Do you have any female friends who could advise you on where they think you're going wrong? If you don't have any female friends, why is that?

@category12 my social life isnt that great, I never really had many friends growing up but all my friends from school have families of thier own or have moved away. I also dont have any female friends and I've always found it hard to make friends weather they are male or female

I think you've posted before maybe, and the answers you get may be similar.

From what I can see you're looking to wheel in a "wife" to give you children because you want a family life. That's not a very appealing prospect, which is why you may be struggling.

The feeling that someone is fulfilling a role for you, rather than relating in an equal mutually beneficial relationship is going to be quite offputting. Maybe think about what a relationship means to you, and what skills you can develop in that department, before you even think of bringing children into one.

You're putting the cart before the horse.

If it is any consolation, we have threads very similar to this quite frequently, so you are far from alone.

You are only 30 and in good shape, so you definitely do not need to despair yet. I am sure you will meet someone

I've always found it hard to make friends weather they are male or female

Start here. A romantic relationship needs to be built on a foundation of friendship. You can't just wheel in a wife, or a woman that wants to bear children for you in exchange for you paying the mortgage. Start with the basics, join groups, learn how to build relationships with people, what works and what doesn't and get clear on what you have to offer a relationship other than £.

Maybe you should work on your "soft" skills to be able to make more connections with people generally.

Social skills are something you can learn and they pay off at work as well as in relationships and friendships.

I know you clearly really want the family life, and would want it to happen soon, and this was not the point of your post. However, as a man you have far less time pressure for this to happen, iyswim? As far as I’m aware your (natural) child-making years can potentially be decades longer than women’s.

I don’t want to appear patronising in bringing it up - and I’m sure you already know this. And I definitely do not wish to minimise your need for a family, but I’m assuming this pressure you’re putting yourself under is entirely coming from within and not external family/friends/cultural pressure? But knowing just how many more potential years (decades) that you could have may help in reducing your internal pressure?
I hope this makes sense!

@Itsasecretnow yeah the pressure is coming from within but then I also want ideally 3 children and I dont want to be having kids past 40. Also the older I get the more chances I have of developing health problems and I dont want to pass away while my children are young.

Also id have to go through the whole dating process and IF i manage to meet someone then she might not want kids or we might not be compatible in other ways. Then id have to go back into the market again and that could take years which will waste more time

@Username3920
I think firstly, don’t panick - lots of people meet their partner when they are in their 30’s and in some cases they are even older.
I think widen the net socially, join some clubs and things and just get chatting to people with similar interests.
have you considered a singles holiday - lots of like minded people on those or a retreat style break?

I'm going to be even clearer and say that your attitude to this, which is more like shopping for a woman to breed with within a timeframe, rather than meeting someone who's presence will enhance your life, and vice versa and then deciding mutually to add children into that relationship, is massively offputting, and you are getting in your own way until you can read that and understand it, and address it.

So you don't want a relationship, you want a brood mare?

That's going to be why you're struggling to meet a human to date you.

This is exactly right. People date, find out if they like each other and their values align, begin a relationship. If they decide mutually that it’s going to be permanent, then they might both want to bring in shared children because they have a stable and nurturing family which could give children an excellent, nurturing environment in which to grow. Relationships and children are not a right. You’re starting from the wrong mindset.

I chose my husband because he was the funniest person I've ever met, extremely clever, interested in the world, politics, history, books, travelling, food, pets. He was amazing with my pet, a pleasure to be around in public and at home, enhanced every aspect of my life and was endlessly patient, kind, and -importantly- felt safe. (Note I haven't mentioned height or looks)

What do you specifically have to offer a woman aside from the house you'd be paying for anyway, and impregnation?

Whatever desirable behaviour, personality etc you have, you need to demonstrate this to connections you build over time. No one wants to be a box ticking exercise.

To add, always be yourself and you’ll find your person. Have a think about hobbies, clubs, talks, walks, social groups, alumni groups, local environment groups, litter pickers, running group, board game meet ups, what ever takes your interest.
Maybe take a look at holidays where solo travellers go in groups.
Take a look at some books too, I’ve read a few “how to talk to people” type books and they were really helpful.

Dude just be yourself and you will find your person! Whatever your hobbies are, join those type of groups. Have a look at solo hoildays too where theres other solo people. Nobody’s going to care that your a virgin, I promise.

Can you actually articulate why you want kids, and why three specifically? Because that really feels to me like putting the cart before the horse.

You've posted this before, under a different username.

You are getting the same advice as before 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Multiple times

Join a marriage agency.
Not a dating one - a marriage one.

You sound like you just want children, not interested in the woman who gives birth.

There are women like you who don’t care about the quality of the man, just want the children he can give her. For them, they have the ability to get pregnant and keep the child no matter what. You don’t have that advantage so you’d better shape up.

Women aren't there just to give you children. HTH.

Been a while since we had a Sunday incel post.