Saw my ex with someone else and feeling upset and resentful

[Grindlewild]

Probably more a rant than anything else. I just need to get it off my chest because it's been building up.
I was at an event and saw my ex and it really upset me and brought back so many feelings of regret and shame, but also, for the first time anger.
He was awful and in retrospect abusive, and I mean that. Looking bad I don't even understand why I put up with it and allowed it to happen.
When I saw him I was shocked, but then got sad when I saw that he was there with someone else and they looked so happy and I wondered why I hadn't been good enough for a happy relationship I then looked him up and got angry that he has been climbing up the career ladder in an industry that he has complete disdain for.
I can't even say what I'm most upset about. Seeing them happy hurt the most, but I also feel resentment more and more.

OK stop right there OP because you are good enough.

Of course its going to shock you seeing him, and even more so to see someone else vivaciously beside him. But believe me he is selling her the dream but will eventually deliver a nightmare. They never change.

So tell me, what really stank about him? Write that angry list and then just breath a sigh of relief that he no longer is there in your life to mess things up.

Two things, @Grindlewild . I will start with the less important one:
Don't forget, when you see a couple out and about, for a few minutes, an hour, that is just a mere snippet of what their public persona is like, you have no idea how happy they look/are after they go home, early in the morning, or at the dinner table in the privacy of their home. This is just to say that there is literally never any point in comparing yourself to someone else like this - it is pretty much the same when you see carefully curated shots of happy celebs on instagram.

And now the other thing. You were not good enough? I don't know the other side of the story, but if I take your word for it, and he was awful and abusive, you are way better than what he deserved, not not good enough. Same goes for that woman you saw, nobody deserves to have an abuser as a partner. So, your life has improved for the better, you are not in an abusive relationship, you escaped. You have nothing to miss about this man, you have nothing to be jealous about. Work, ladders.. I get it, it is unfair to see dickheads succeed, but think about it, you said he absolutely hates his field. Is that truly succeeding?

The biggest gift life could have given you is to cut all ties with him. Not pleasant to see his face? I bet. But remind yourself how much better you have it that he is at a fair distance from you.

I expect you looked happy when you were out with him at the beginning of your relationship.

People put on a facade and if he is a nasty and abusive character it will come out Ruth her. He showed you who he really is so be grateful you got away from a toxic relationship

He's allowed to move on and you should too

You are grieving the what might have happened.
You are lucky to have escaped a lifetime of misery....remember that.
I guess you are young, far younger than I am. But please be careful who you choose to be with. Find someone who is your best friend. Please dont waste time on people who are just ok. They will make you unhappy in the long run. Remeber that you are wonderful and should be treated as such. Take your time. There's no rush.

Oh you poor thing, what a shock. It’s ok to feel sad about what he didn’t turn out to be, and also angry. Hold onto the memories of how he was awful and abusive and all that time he made you waste, putting up with it. Think how free you are now of all that, and enjoy your peace & freedom. There’s no point comparing yourself, this was a snapshot meeting and you got out of something horrible.You are free now to find - as a PP said - your best friend.

I saw my ex on a dating app yday . Was more shocked as I’d bloody blocked him and only set a profile up on the knowledge I could do that but clearly it didn’t work . I’m reeling too . Mine wasn’t abusive , in fact he was lovely. But I felt there was something going on behind my back . So now it’s brought back all my self doubt and like you i’m thinking he’s going to find someone else and live happily ever after when it should have been me .

But we both know that’s highly unlikely right?

That’s not why relationships work or don’t work op, it’s not about being good enough, simply relationships work as both people hold the same values, their personalities mesh, the chemistry is there, well the good relationships anyway.

its not about being good enough for someone. I’d really urge some therapy so you can work on why you think this and don’t understand what makes a successful relationship.

It's perfectly normal to feel like this because you probably did have some good times together at some point or you wouldn't have stayed with him.
But remember the negative things too. If you finally found him " abusive" and resented is career priorities, these gripes would only have got worse and it would never have worked.
Treat it as a learning experience and move on. You now know more about what you want from a partner and what you won't accept. Take this knowledge into your next relationship and use it to develop a more balanced partnership. This experience with make you stronger if you accept your feelings about this man will always be bittersweet.

I bet there were times when the two of you looked happy too. Don’t be fooled!