It’s an age gap one…

[Isthisthingon1]

My partner, I, his son(12) and my son were out earlier.. my partner has his son full time, no contact with his mum at all and I’ve never questioned anything about her… anyway, the subject of my age came up as I got IDed for an energy drink(I’m 33) partners son said I look younger then mentioned his mum isn’t 30 for another year. At the time I thought nothing of it but now having worked out that as partner is 35 now that he was in a relationship with and got a 17 year old pregnant when he was 22/23.

Im hugely put off by this and it’s actually made me feel quite sick. I don’t think I’ll ever get past this despite it being over a decade ago. What would you do?

Well if you can’t get past it, you can’t get past it. Why bother asking us?

Doesn’t matter what anyone else would do.

Frankly, my opinion is that its not a hill to die on and it sounds like your chap is a decent bloke to be solely responsible for his son. Good on ‘im.

Give yourself time to process the information. Then decide what to do.

My boyfriend was 22 when I was 17. We actually started dating when I was 15 and he was 20. There was no sex til I was 18, in case you were wondering. It wasn’t exploitative at all. I felt very much in control of my choices and how the relationship worked for us. She was of the age of consent. I don’t think you can assume by its nature that it was abusive just because she was 17.

First poster nailed it.

You can either get over it and see him for how he is as a partner in your life now or not.

Aren’t you curious at all about your partner’s situation with his ex and why she has nothing to do with her son ? Surely this is part of getting to know your partner, finding out about his previous relationship and how he came to parent his son alone. Maybe if you ask some questions and see the bigger picture it will help you decide what to do. As others have said, at least he is raising his son and doing the right thing.

Geez I married a guy 7 years older than me get over it!

It'd be a bit different if he'd started shagging you when you were 16 and he was 23. That smacks of being a pedophile. Very different to you being 30 and him 37.

I was 17 and he was 23 so just made it.

Yeah, that's creepy.

Imagine a 23 year old woman and a 17 year old boy.

I'd want more information about the circumstances. The son has no contact at all with his mother but obviously knows when her birthday is and what age she is. His information might not be accurate. Why does she have no contact?

I do find your lack of curiosity about why your partner's son has no relationship or contact with his mother quite odd. Those circumstances are very unusual and I think when you're in a serious relationship these are things that you should be able to talk about.

She was over the age of consent and it's only a five year age gap. It's not like he was old enough to be her father.

What would I do? I'd do nothing because I don't think it's that big a deal.

But it's making you feel physically sick, so the question is what will you do?

It's clear to me that you should break up with him immediately. Will you?

Can i ask why you felt the need to name change for this OP, or have you joined MN just to ask this question?

Wouldn’t bother me at all. But it clearly bothers you. Only you can decide.

I'm really surprised by these replies.
I would find it very creepy and uncomfortable.
However have a chat with your partner as his son may have got things wrong.

I just think that men and women mature at very different rates. At 17 I always went out with older “men”, probably 20-24, because boys my age were just that, boys, and very immature. None of it was ever creepy, I was never controlled and I definitely looked like a fully grown adult female.

For what it's worth I don't think it's the worst age gap in numbers but if the fact that it resulted in a n unplanned pregnancy and the 17 year old wasn't able to maintain any contact with her baby makes it a lot more concerning.

This.

I'd be surprised he knew this level of detail about a mother he has no contact with.

But equally, I'd have asked any potential new partner with a 12 year old who has no contact with his mother, about the circumstances a long time before I was at the stage of calling him 'my partner'.

No curiosity about why the son has no relationship with his mother.

No curiosity about how old your partner and his ex were when the boy was born.

And it looks like no curiosity about what others think about this.

You sound very immature.

Or...he simply doesn't exist? You've got to admit, it's weird that he knows exactly how old she is in spite of never seeing her. That might have been a 'jump the shark' moment that 'OP' didn't think through...

Yes, i agree the fact that she's disappeared out of their lives is more interesting/important than the age gap.