Partner’s ex still works for him and it is bothering me

[CoolLilacCrab]

Hi everyone 🙂

So my partner is a self employed mechanic, and his ex partner is his bookkeeper still. I’m really unsettled by this, she tried causing a lot of crap between us a while ago and he just shrugged it off. He never lets anything bother him. I’ve offered to do the bookkeeping for him or offered to pay for another one. He’s told me he’s not sacking her, purely due to it being a convenience and she’s very good at her job.

am I overreacting?

Yes you are over reacting, just let it go if she is no longer causing problems. You can’t expect him to sack someone just because you don’t like her.

you can’t just sack someone - when you say employs her; is she on payroll or is she self employed and works at home etc

either way this seems a bit extreme

if you feel there is unfinished business between them then you need to walk away.

Not reasonable to want her sacked from her job. She does a good job for your Bf's business and people don't deserve to lose their job due to you being jealous.

It's not good that she tried to cause trouble but that's a personal matter and she didn't succeed so what do you have to be worried about?

You will piss your bf off if you pursue this.

Hey my ex moved in with me for a year - lived perfectly happily as flatmates. I thought he was the guy I was going to marry and it was about two years after we split. He had a couple girlfriends during that time it was fine.
It seems he is well and truly over her. If it bothers you, do you not trust him?

Hi there @CoolLilacCrab
If she is good at her job, and they don't have an otherwise problematic relationship, I don't see how this is more than your insecurity. She is not threatening you, you feel threatened, it is in your head, more about you than her. Is there a reason you wouldn't trust your partner? Did he ever give you reason to? Also, don't forget that she is an ex for a reason. And just as PPs said before me - you can't just fire someone. You can't put down "partner is insecure about her" as a reason.

Having personal and sexual relationships with people you work with or who you employ causes all sorts of problems. What happens after the relationship ends is one of them

I wouldn't be happy about them working together. But in all fairness to the woman if she is doing her job properly then obviously he can't sack her just because you are uncomfortable with them working together

Given he either won't or can't see why you aren't happy about this situation is quite worrying though.Just because nothing bothers him doesnt mean to say you aren't allowed to be bothered by things and if he is in the habit of brushing aside your feelings and worries as totalky unimportant then it doesn't bode well for you.

I think.i would be questioning whether this relationship is right for you.

And if she takes him to a tribunal for unfair dismissal, are you going to cover all the costs for that also??

He should not sack a good worker for personal reasons unless there is some serious problem with her being there. 'She tried to cause a lot of crap between us' could be something or nothing. She is an employee and has some rights.

You are overreacting. She’s an employee, he can’t just get rid.

How long have you been together?

If your partner is self employed than I’m assuming she’s also self employed (rather than on his payroll).

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having an ex working for you as long as 1. They’re very good at their job. 2. They’re not going to cause trouble.

Given she’s caused issues in the past, I’m surprised your bf hasn’t moved his business elsewhere as he’s free to do that.

If she causes any further issues though he should definitely do that.

(Co-incidentally I know someone who was in the exact same situation, the book keeper was nasty and would go out of her way to hurt anyone who she took a dislike to or she felt had crossed her. If the book keeper is similarly inclined than sticking as is, might be the least troublesome approach).

She is self employed. Reading all of these has made me realise I’m in the wrong. We have been together 10 years.

Why would you offer to pay to replace her? Would you really pay someone's wages for him? That's sounds insane and extreme, are your feelings about this so high? I wouldn't like it either, but offering a living wage to stop your partner of ten years doing something sounds like he has a lot of power over your emotions

I’ve realised I’m in the wrong. Was just fed up with her giving me so much crap, when I’ve done nothing wrong. He’s very laid back and doesn’t care what anyone says or does whereas I’m the complete opposite. But I’m definitely wrong 100% after reading these.

He's laid back about your feelings, not his exs, he shouldn't sack her cause you don't like her, but self employment has different rules, if they don't have a proper contract things can and should change, but we don't know any info. He kept her on when she was horrible to you, that's not laid back, that's leaving you to take her anger and spite when they split up, him not being affected by it doesn't mean you aren't. Why after 10 years is this still a problem. Does she work side by side with him or just emails back and forth? Why doesn't he do anything to calm your feelings. Bet he gets worked up about things which effect him? You might be wildly over reacting or 10 years of him being fine with you being ripped apart by someone else

She is an ex for a reason, just remember that. If she is employed by him, he can't just get rid of her for being an ex, he would be taken to an employment tribunal and be liable for unfair dismissal. If she is a subcontractor doing the books then that would be different. You will just have to learn to live with it unfortunately and hope she moves on, but if she knows it bother you she will probably stick around

So she has been working for him over 10 years ?

Yes you're over reacting. Imagine for a second she was your friend or sister "I got sacked from my long term job, that I'm excellent at, because my boss broke up with me and his new gf doesn't like me". Absolutely not, he would never get away with it and he has no good reason to dismiss her.
Ultimately, you either trust him or you don't, and can either cope with this situation or your can't. Those are your decisions to make, it is not ok for you to try and force his actions because you can't manage your jealousy. If you can't manage it you've 2 options 1) get some therapy, for yourself or maybe the both of you, to work through the issues and feel secure in your relationship or 2) break up. I'd think 1 will be most helpful long term for you.

Lol how bizarre, my brother is also a mechanic and his ex does and has done his bookeeping for years and he has been married a handful of years to someone..All is fine and dandy no problem. You just sound jealous when theres no need to be tbh. Some exes can stay very good friends and probably should have just stayed friends rather than it go into a relationship that never worked tbh

Yes you are. If he sacks her, he'll most likely end up at an employment tribunal for unfair dismissal and paying out £££. It'd not only be illegal but morally wrong. I

I don't see a problem people breaking up all the time even people who work together it's definitely a you problem not a her problem. She is doing a job he has no reason to sack her