New man trying to encourage his adult children to play happy families.

[mulberru]

He is mid fifties and his children are all in their early to mid twenties. His marriage is over 7 years.
He seems to continually be encouraging his children to ask their mother to any family birthday celebration, Christmas, graduation etc when the mother clearly does not want any relationship with her children and moreover they don’t want any relationship with her . He feel that she would go for appearances sakes to a family wedding, graduation etc and my new bf/ partner would have no problem with her there.
He certainly laments the fact that their family is not the same unit as it was as he is a real family man but his adult children have zero interest. He has no romantic love left for his ex but feels huge sorrow for her due to her personal battles and also especially the family
ynit being broken.
In will not become his fixer or healer and he doesn’t not want that but I get the feeling that he cannot see that his divorce means that the as marriage is over, the family
unit has changed irrevocably and the relationships his kids have with their mother is not his concern, regardless of how well intending his encouragement is.
How to proceed here as a new partner/ gf please?
it is the breakdown of the family unit that seems to be causing him so much sorrow as they were extremely close always.
Towards me, I could not ask for a more intentional, consistent , loving man

I should have said… he doesn’t want that … regarding me being his fixer/ healer.

Anyone please ?

Sorry but your post is slightly confusing - you're saying your new boyfriend has adult children, they have no relationship with their mother at all? And he keeps trying to encourage them to invite their mum to family celebrations? Is that right?

If I've understood the situation correctly, I'm not sure what it's got to do with you? It's between him and his children and if I were you, I'd stay out of it. It's not your problem to deal with and I doubt his children want your input anyway.

I can’t see how this affects you?

It has nothing to do with me.
That’s not why I posted.
im asking how do I proceed when it has been a topic of conversation twice or three times in our relationship .
How to guide or advise, essentially, from those who have had this issue.

Whilst I don't see any harm with him suggesting their mothers involvement, they are adults and have their own reasons.

He needs to get over the sorrow somehow because he could end up potentially pushing his children away.

I would say just be pragmatic with him, lay out the facts. It's down to him to change (assuming he wants to?).

I think he needs to deal with the reality that the family unit has changed, but change does not have to mean disintegration, and it is fine for him to suggest they move to a new dynamic where the mother is invited to events, and it is civil. That is a solid aspiration to have. I'm not sure why this bothers you?

It’s good that he’s making it clear to them that should they ever rebuild with her, he won’t make it hard for them.

However he could also make clear that they have the right to choose how much they see of her and when they involve her, and that it’s ok with him if the answer is, ‘not much’. Both things need to be said.

If I were to talk to him about it, those are the points I’d make, along with remembering that it’s ok for him to feel as he does, but that his feelings aren’t ‘right’ and to be prioritised. His DC’s feelings are to be prioritised and they are also ‘right’.

His ex wife’s feelings are irrelevant. As are yours.

Seems like he’s not good boyfriend material! as he clearly has issues with his ex and DC.

It’s not good parenting (of adult DC) to seek to influence their decisions about their mother / his ex.

‘they were extremely close always’: you don’t know that. You don’t know what went on.

If you want to continue dating him (many wouldn’t) would stay right out of it, and limit the amount of time you spend listening to him talking about it.

I'm not sure what you're supposed to say in this scenario? It's his personal life to deal with as he sees fit. If he's asking for your input, tell him you'd rather not get involved, but are happy to be a listening ear. It'll be a challenge if the situation is a constant in your lives.

Thanks . Not good boyfriend material??? Why ever not ? This place is full of deadbeat dads who don’t give a single fuck about the mothers of their children not to mind be their children’s primary carer and never speak badly about the horrors that said spouse put them through…
How odd!

If my husband and I split I would want our children to have a positive relationship with him, for the children's sake.

It's not about "playing happy families", it's about wanting what's best for your children. I don't understand your problem, he sounds like a good man.

Tell him to wind his neck in, if anything. (Not in those words).

His adult dc are estranged from their mother for their own reasons and it's up to them and her to resolve.

He risks becoming estranged from them himself, if he insists on being her flying monkey.

Can I just check that I'm reading this right?

His adult children and their mother are low or no contact. Neither the adult children nor their mother are seeking contact or a relationship with each other.

This man is trying to make his adult children and their mother have contact with each other, despite their mutual wish not to do that.

Yes?

It is probably unusual for the mother to be the one that children want nothing to do with, but if they are adults that is their choice. If it means the mother cannot see grandchildren if there are any, that is sad.

I don't think there is much you can do if anything OP.

The problem I see is that he is forcing his adult children to have a relationship with someone when they dint want to…..
Seeing that we have no idea why the children don’t speak to mum and mum doesn’t try either, I’d be VERY careful to make judgement and say what a good man!
I mean for all we know, she could have been physically or emotionally abusing the children when they were young….

Exactly. Mind boggling.

I’m very uneasy about your OP @mulberru

In part because this man can’t take No as an answer.
His children and the ex dint want contact but he is still ramming contact down their throat because ‘family unit’ and ‘appearances’.

He also seems unable to accept his previous marriage is over - yes despite having no feelings etc… - and still wants it to appear to still be going on or at least for everyone to get along very well, close etc….

And theres you.
It’s great that he doesn’t want you involved 🙄🙄. But what does it say about your relationship to him?
like one of his dcs gets married next year, theres a Uni graduation, whatever big event and …. He’ll prioritise her vs you because he wants to play happy families?

I don’t know. Theres somethimg off there

"He feel that she would go for appearances sakes to a family wedding, graduation etc"

Why does keeping up appearances mean more to him than the wishes of his adult dc? Maybe that's something you need to ask him.

Ig the mother has had an illness that has meant her relationship with her adult children has become strained, then this man is right to encourage his children to respect her and have a relationship with her.

You say this is not his concern but his children and by extension their mother (because she affects them) will always be his concern Kindly, I would suggest it is not your concern, As long as he is treating you well you can be supportive.

This is exactly the issue. Her illness could have possibly compromised her brain.

Bin - way too much drama

"Could possibly" is doing a lot of heavy lifting here.

His kids are adults. His ex wife's relationship or lack of relationship with his kids is not his problem to resolve.

He should stop putting pressure on them to play happy families.

I wondered how soon LTB would appear. As other, more sensible posters, have suggested - be a listening ear but no more. If he pushes an opinion I might say that, as they are all adults, interfering might do more harm than good - he might be alienated as well. I would definitely stay well out of it!

I think it’s pretty normal to invite both your parents to birthday celebrations, Christmas, graduation, family events, even when they’re divorced. Now one parent may be rubbish and not want to attend, but that is for the children to deal with. But extending the invitation and trying to encourage the relationship is normal, especially if it’s previously been quite fractured. My dad used to come on holiday with us! My mum had absolutely zero interest in him - and frankly, I had zero interest as well, but she wanted to make the effort on my behalf.

You don’t need to do anything. You focus on your own relationship. If it makes you uncomfortable, you walk with your feet rather than trying to change him.