Can a relationship recover after a long affair that stays secret?

[ElaEnchanted]

If someone has an affair (long term - say a year) which is never found out, but ends because they don't want to blow up their life. Do you think the relationship can be good again despite the cheater knowing they cheated?

I don’t see why not? The cheater has no conscience or morals as it is and their life remains unaffected.

They’ll cheat again tho.

The other party in the relationship is living in ignorance of the truth of their partners deception. Thats pretty crap but that person probably already thinks their relationship is good?
The cheater in question- what are they doing to work on themselves and the relationship to ensure this doesnt happen again?

About 15 years ago colleagues of mine had an affair. Both had partners of 10ish years that they'd met at school sort of thing. Not sure if it lasted a year or over, blurry memory now. It was all very low key/people suspected but didn't know till one night when it was blatant, after which I called them out on it saying I felt uncomfortable keeping it from their partners, and it stopped. They're still with the original partners, both married now with kids. Am still closeish with one of them and to the best of my knowledge nothing like that has happened since. Not sure if either of them fessed up to spouses. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes of course. Mumsnet is extremely censorious about affairs but they are really common and im sure it happens all the time that the cheater never confesses and the relationship continues fine

Depends the reasons you cheated. What led you down that road?

Was it some problem in your primary relationship that gave rise to you looking elsewhere? If so, how has that changed?

Or was it something internal to you, like seeking validation or excitement that led you there? If so, how have you changed?

No.

It depends on how much of a sociopath they are really. If they have no empathy / feel no guilt for wrecking another persons life, then the relationship will probably just continue as it is.

in the right circumstances yes. There are plenty of serial philanderers who have affair after affair, for excitement, have their cake & eat it etc, despite things being fine at home. Even though women do cheat as often as men (from what I’ve known), I do think women cheat for very different reasons than men. The serial philanderers I’ve known are very often men.

I did cheat on my ex husband during the last year of the relationship- not much physical but more emotional. I’m not proud of it but I did end the relationship soon after really falling for someone. I cheated because I was unhappy whereas I think a lot of men just cheat because they can/want to etc. not saying my cheating was morally better but women do have different motivations for men/ not always but often.

Depends on a lot of things.

Can the cheater deal with the guilt and not let it seep into how they are with their spouse?

Are the relationship issues that led to choosing cheating going to be addressed properly?

If there were no relationship issues in the first place, is the cheater even aware of how selfish they've been and do they now value their spouse enough not to do it again?

Basically, is the cheater willing to be brutally honest with themselves about who they are and what they've done?

@Hallywally "I cheated because I was unhappy whereas I think a lot of men just cheat because they can/want to etc."

Are you really comfortable telling yourself that?

This may shock you, but men also have emotions: "happy" and "unhappy" are two, but there are others. It's not just "I want this" or "I don't want that". Who knew?

No. My husbands mental health was shredded. Living with the lie & trying to hide her constant texts.
No, you cant be friends after the fucking has stopped.
Not sure why I was the one explaining that to both of them, and the parents, and the work colleagues.

Woman scorned an all that
🤣🤣

I don't know if this is a TAAT? There is a current thread where a woman has been having an affair and now it's over. She wanted to know whether to come clean to her husband. The overwhelming evidence from the poll and posts was no to tell her husband.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5544071-should-i-tell-my-husband-about-an-affair-that-ended-last-month?page=10&reply=153016072

No, you've already destroyed your relationship by embarking on an affair. You may think that your partner doesn't know what you've done but he/she will know that something was wrong and has changed again.
You on the other hand (assuming that you aren't a complete sociopath) will slowly eaten up by guilt and shame which will lead to you cheating again or telling your partner just to unburden yourself and in doing so dump all your guilt on them thats not fair.
Be honest now and tell your partner and IF he/she wants to try to forgive you thats their choice if not be graceful and leave when they tell you to