Burnt out carrying most of the parenting after divorce

[Strugglingandtired]

I am really struggling and am burnt out. Brief history:

Divorced 6 years ago (moved out pre covid) when dc were 13, 11 and 8.
Schedule is 9 days with me, 5 days with him. 50/50 in holidays
Eldest struggled with self harm and anxiety/deoressiin and ended up on antidepressants. Now at uni doing fine
Middle internalised his feelings about divorce and covid, struggled with school since home schooling, obsessed with gaming, has finished a levels and has no plan.
Youngest is binge eating and self harming, hates herself and her body, struggles with school.

I am utterly burnt out. Doing 70% of school days is hard. DS needed a lot of support getting to school in the mornings and attending a levels. DD needs a huge amount of emotional support.

For years, I have been trying to get exh to agree or have an open discussion about going 50/50. There is always a reason why he can’t. He doesn’t even want to engage in a discussion despite me telling him I am burnt out and currently off sick from work.

I can’t make him have his kids more. I’ve given up trying over the years as it’s not fair on the kids to force him. But now I feel that I cannot keep going.

I don’t really know what I want from this thread. But has anyone else been in the same position? It just makes me so sad that he doesn’t want his kids an equal amount.

I'm so sorry, that all sounds incredibly hard 😔 you have so much on your plate, no wonder you're feeling utterly burnt out.

You're right that you can't force the ex to have his children more, he is selfish and leaving you to carry the heavy load. If you presented him with a fait acompli, for instance if you told you HAVE to have a break or you're going to have a breakdown and then he will have to look after his kids full time, how do you think he'd respond?

I think you need to access help wherever you can get it - school, GP, social services, CAHMS, should all be involved. You need some respite. You say you're 40 minutes away from family, that's not an insurmountable distance - would they be willing to help out a bit more?

I'm sorry I haven't been able to come up with concrete solutions - if only it was that easy and I know you're already aware that it's not. But please don't be ashamed to reach out for help wherever you can. There's no shame in needing help and saying you're not coping - no-one could carry on with all that you've got going on indefinitely. You're a great mum and a strong woman, you just need some help. Look after yourself lovely 💐

I looked after mine 100% as my ex husband was a waste of space AND worked full time.
I don't know why these men think they can opt out of parenthood in this way or why they think it's our job.
I want to shake them.

You and your children have clearly struggled over the last few years. I do wonder if 50/50 would not be the right thing for them anyway… they are all crying out for help in different ways. Something isn’t working for them; what do you think that might be?

Perhaps the existing schedule is already too much for them? Do they feel at home at their dads or is that knocking them back or out of routine every 10 days?

If you took a step back and thought about what would make them more stable that might help.
Then sorting yourself a rest is a separate issue. Not less important, but separate.

I'm not surprised you are burnt out. That's an awful lot to deal with.

Given the school holidays are coming up can you get ex to take the DCs away on holiday then you could have a break yourself or just some time at home, but it would give you some space.

Maybe need to be very direct with him and tell him you are planning to go away

That’s a very interesting thought and one I will reflect on….

Thanks all. I do get a break as he at least does 50/50 in the holidays. In the divorce settlement he only wanted 4 days a fortnight and then increased to 5 as he missed them 🙄. So he feels that he’s gone above and beyond. He just has no idea how 9 days in a row is a killer.

i know that there will be people out there who are single parents and I feel for them. I just want equity from Exh-they’re half his kids too.

Camhs and school are involved and providing help. Family are 1.5h away and my mum is waiting for an op for cancer (another source of stress). Dad has Alzheimer’s. Exh will have to step up and have them extra when she has surgery.