Questioning my relationship

[fredandphe]

hi. Recently ive been doing a lot of reflecting on my relationship and wrote a list about all my feelings. I’m just posting this because I need to get it out but I have no one to speak to about it :/ if you do read it all thank you & if you have any input on what to do then I appreciate it

How I’ve been feeling about my partner and the relationship

I’ve been questioning whether I want to be with him for over a year.
I feel unhappy in the relationship.
I don’t feel romantic attraction towards him anymore.
I don’t feel sexual attraction towards him anymore.
Sex feels underwhelming, forced, or uncomfortable.
I have cringed when he has tried to initiate sexual things.
I don’t feel desired, and I really want to feel desired by someone.
I want to genuinely desire someone and feel turned on, rather than forcing myself.
I sometimes wonder if I love him as a person, but I’m not in love with him anymore.
I think I care about him and don’t hate him, but I don’t know if I see him as a romantic partner.
I feel suffocated in the relationship. I don’t want to be around him.
Everything he does seems to annoy or irritate me.
I have very little patience left with him and snap at him often.
I often find myself mentally focusing on his flaws.
Even after serious conversations, I don’t feel relieved or hopeful.
I worry that even if he became my ideal partner, I still wouldn’t want to be with him.
If I met him today as he is now, I probably wouldn’t choose to date him.
Talking about marriage makes me feel trapped.
When I imagine staying forever, I fear regret and unhappiness.
I don’t want to spend my whole life questioning the relationship.

Concerns about parenting and him as a father

I hate how quickly he gets angry with the children.
I dislike the tone he uses with them.
DS is already saying things like “Daddy is angry.”
I don’t like him joking about DS’s ears or intelligence.
I worry the children will develop insecurities because of how he speaks to them.
I want our children to feel safe with both parents.
I don’t trust his parenting as much as I’d like to.
I worry about how he would parent when I’m not there.
I worry about him relying on his mum for childcare.
I hate the thought of not knowing what goes on when the children are with him.

Things that make leaving difficult

I don’t want to hurt him.
I feel guilty because he has nowhere obvious to live if we split up.
He supported me through difficult times, including birth trauma, losing my cat, and periods of poor mental health.
We’ve been through a lot together.
We share children, belongings, routines, and mutual friends.
I don’t want people to feel like they have to choose sides.
I’m scared of being alone.
I’m scared I won’t trust or love anyone again.
I’m scared I won’t cope as a single parent.
I live 40 minutes away from my family.
I hate change.
Thinking about breaking up makes me feel physically sick.
I worry I’ll regret leaving.
I worry about what separation would do to the children.

Things that suggest I may already know what I want

I’ve said that if we didn’t have children, I believe I would have left already.
Most of my worries about leaving are practical and fear-based:
Being alone.
The children.
Housing.
Coping.
Hurting him.
Regret.
I don’t find myself thinking, “I’ll miss being his partner.”
I don’t feel excited or hopeful after trying to work on things.
I feel more anxious than reassured after conversations about improving the relationship.
I think deep down I know what I want, but I’m afraid I’ll never feel ready to do it.

Things I’ve realised about myself

I became pregnant at 19 and engaged after about a year together.
I was only 18 when the relationship started.
I moved in very quickly and tend to dive headfirst into situations.
I was looking for love, attention, stability, and purpose.
Social media gave me an idealised image of motherhood.
I had little experience around children before becoming a mum.
I feel grief for how young I was when I made these decisions.
I have realised childhood SA may have influenced how I view sex, adulthood, relationships, and validation.
I often feel like I chase the next life stage hoping it will finally make me feel complete.
I don’t want to end up like my mum, staying in an unhappy relationship out of fear or obligation.
I don’t want to be old and regret staying.

OP looking at your list, you know what you need to do.
Guilt is not a reason to stay with someone. You can leave a relationship for any reason at any time, but you have lots of reasons.
Your most important ones are - he’s angry at your children, you don’t like him, you’re unhappy.

You’re right in what you say - you don’t want to look back in old age and wonder why you stayed. You may have loved him once, but you don’t now, and, from your list, there’s not a lot that he’s bringing to the relationship.
You want to leave and you can. Your children can still have a relationship with him, you don’t need to stay married for that to happen.

You don't have to absolutely hate your partner to want to separate. Of course you still care about him he's the father of your children but you are not happy, you are not attracted to him, you don't enjoy his company, you don't like the way he treats the DC.

You clearly have spent a lot of time thinking about the future and you do not want to end up like your DM - life is too short to be unhappy, isn't it? You don't want to look back and have regrets about staying in an unhappy relationship.

Even when you think about separating your thoughts are not about missing him, your thoughts are about managing on your own etc so that tells you a lot...

OP you will be surprised how many of us have been where you are now. You were so young when the relationship started and its only normal to question things at this point in your life.

I had a list similar to yours but after 7 years together. I too felt awful because I knew it was going to hurt. I am also a child of divorced parents to was fully aware what the implications were if I left my own marriage.

Its 14 years now since I left, and yes I do think about him but in a kind caring way, and sometimes miss parts of our marriage that was good, that is normal too. But I do not regret my decision to end it as I was so unhappy. My ex was an alcoholic and could get nasty with it, so I guess in a way it helped me in my decision to end things.

What I found out as well is that you do not need a valid reason to leave a marriage, you can just leave. What I did prior to taking that decision was to question how I felt when he was not at home or around, did I feel relieved or did I miss his presence. I remember my ex going on holiday for a week and it was a huge insight into how I really felt as I felt this huge relief and the pressure at home just disappeared, and as soon as he came back home it was so evident how awful things were.

How you feel with your partner not present says a lot. Give yourself permission to leave, or do a trial seperation. See how you feel?