DH doesn’t fancy me

[effortlesshayes]

I don’t really know where else to turn with this but my marriage is lacking intimacy and passion and it’s becoming quite painful.

Context, early 30s, under 1 year postpartum, have been with DH for a really long time (years and years!). Both very loving and committed people.

If I’m our sex life started to go downhill about 3 years ago, where we started being intimate less frequently. My biggest issue is that I’m the one who seems to be the most bothered by this, I’ve regularly brought it up over time, whereas DH doesn’t seem that bothered by the change. I’ve suggested less screen time/more connected evenings/ more date nights/ introducing toys/ trying new things, DH has always agreed but it’s been me instigating any change. He swears he finds me attractive but has said he doesn’t have a high sex drive anymore (meaning sex every couple of months vs. Twice a week). He said he would consider going to the doctors to be checked for test testerone levels, but never did. He also experienced some ED and never got this checked out.

I really take care of myself, and even postpartum, I have made massive efforts to look after my health and appearance. DH Works long hours and obviously we have a young baby, but the problems were happening even before now. It’s really chipping away at my confidence And I don’t know where to go from here. The last time we were intimate it was rushed and DH went to sleep afterwards unbothered that I hadn’t also finished..i always try to be positive when we talk about it but it feels painful.

Is he loving and affectionate outside the bedroom? Do you think he could be using porn to masturbate? If he is looking at porn a lot, this can have a negative effect on your sex life 😞

I think instead of trying to be positive and kind, you need to be really honest about how this is affecting you - that you feel he doesn't fancy you and that it's negatively affecting your confidence and self esteem. Of course, it could be that he's happy with the routine of twice a month and that you want a bit more - then you both need to find a compromise that accomodates you both. But affection and connection are important in a relationship too if he wants the marriage to last.

He does need to go to the doctors actually and you need to make him go... He needs blood pressure checked and heart stuff too... I can bet my arse it isn't you so please dispel that from your mind. If there's an ED factor that's a huge thing for him and the prospect of failure means avoiding it is the best course of action. Please make him get himself checked and I know him not mentioning it is avoidant and frustrating but I doubt very much he doesn't care, he just cannot beat to face it. But it isn't you.

You've tried communication and effort which hasn't improved things. Marriages can't thrive with one-sided effort. A partner who cares about your happiness would be seeking out the root of the problem.

I'd sit down with him when your child is asleep and you're feeling mellow and tell him something like: I've come to the conclusion that I'm not willing to live the rest of my life unsatisfied with both the quality and quantity of our sex life. I'll be willing to be patient if you let me know you've made an appt. for a full physical during the next few weeks.

You having standards and a spine might show him the seriousness of the matter, and that he can no longer sweep problems under the rug and dismiss your valid concerns.

Does he do anything at all to make you feel special, like doing extra chores, buying you treats without it being your b-day or a holiday? Does he give you back rubs? Does he send you sweet messages when you're apart during the day? If nothing, yeah, he's like a roommate you kind of get along with sometimes. Not the beloved prized forever partner one deserves.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

@effortlesshayes i’m in a similar position, what i can tell you is if you sit back and accept it the sex will eventually just disappear altogether, 5 years for me so far and i can only put it down the fact that she doesn’t fancy me anymore, the same feeling you have, but like your partner mine says she does still fancy me as well, i don’t know your situation but i do wonder if i’m being played as she doesn’t need to work and has a pretty comfortable life with me. Who knows, crap though isn’t it not knowing if the person you had kids with fancies you or not 😔

DH and I both have low sex drives. We definitely find each other attractive and we kiss all the time… just takes quite a lot for us to want to go further.

How old is he? Andropause can come with a reduction in libido.

Infrequent sex is one thing, but turning over and going to sleep with no concern as to whether you have enjoyed it is wholly unacceptable. Can't think why you would be wanting to have sex with him if this is how he behaves.

F