Anyone left a relationship over resentment, finances and carrying the load?

[Elsbells22]

Anyone ever felt like leaving but not really got a major reason why?
No cheating or abuse or anything awful like that, I just feel flat and distant.
If I was to really think about it and I guess writing this post is making me. It’s probably some resentment when it comes to all the mundane shit I have to carry the load of like
cooking and cleaning.
I only work part time after maternity leave so have none of my own spare money, have to ask for things I never used to, no financial freedom. Would love to replace the living room carpet but not ‘allowed’ well I can’t afford to and he doesn’t want to so that’s it discussion over.
I put a huge effort into his family, very little in return, grudges spending any of his time off with my parents but will happily take the free childcare.
Spends his days/ AL off work doing very little but pretending he’s been busy. Jobs in the house that need completing don’t get done.
Always needs a nap after doing not very much, like a proper sleep.
An expectation I’ll always be around for childcare when he’s out with his mates (never a discussion)
Been together almost 10 years, one young child.

Have you had the discussion with him? I would leave, but not before trying to resolve the situation.

Yes I ended my marriage because of it. I then found out after he'd left , he'd been having an affair so there's that . Im much happier now and wondered why I waited so long to do it

He sounds completely checked out. In your case I think I’d do a few things - look into whether any of his behaviour crosses into abuse (the finances in particular) and if so, get things in motion to leave. I’d also try and get some individual counselling (I found a trainee who was only £20 a session as she needed the hours but she had done 3 years of training so was almost qualified). I’d decentre him too, no more excessive stuff for his family while he begrudges yours. Match his energy on what you do in the relationship and start putting energy into you. Either that’ll wake him up that he can’t just have the flow coming towards him or it’ll help you gain confidence before leaving.

I’d then think about a proper “come-to-Jesus” talk/ultimatum where you explain to him that you’re close to leaving and ask if he wants to really work on things properly or split up. Before the come to Jesus talk you could do a gentler “I’m worried about you” talk. The lack of motivation and excessive sleeping after a major life change (baby) could be symptoms of depression.

Would you consider going back to work full time so that you have your own money and he has to share childcare costs?

Are you married ?
If not, then get back to full time work as he will owe you nothing other than Child Maintenance if you split up.
You need your own pension provision as he won’t share his with you, like he would have to if your are married.
Never depend on anyone else for money.

You could try the Fair Play cards to see if you divide the responsibility of being an adult fairly. I think the answer is no, but the cards can help to see if he can understand that at present he is not being a proper grown up at all