How to move on after apology

[Helpmeworkitout]

I do a hobby with a competitive element and am relatively successful at a local level. I started solo but in the last year or so have joined a local club.

This has all been great until about 10 days ago, when a well-established and popular member made a comment about my technique, something along the lines of how my legs are ‘all over the place’. I said I knew, and this is because I have hip dysplasia. The conversation then moved on.

I brushed this off but last night, at a club event, they asked me if they could speak to me and out of the blue apologised for the comment and said it was uncalled for.

It was a sincere and genuine apology and must have been hard for them to raise it. However, for some reason, the apology has sent me into a full spiral of doom and paranoia. My technique is pretty bad (and won’t ever improve due to what is effectively a disability, I didn’t walk till I was 2 and there isn’t really anything anyone can do about my hip sockets not being properly formed) and I guess this is what everyone probably thinks. I’m now sure that people are laughing at me behind my back.

So how to move on from this and not ruin what is an otherwise enjoyable hobby?

Interesting that it’s the apology and not the initial comment that has upset you? Why do you think that is?

I think that’s what has blindsided me as well - I think I probably brushed it off originally and didn’t think about it any further and now I’m dwelling on it

Can you think more about what it is that’s bothering you so much? It sounds to me as if s/he apologised because a somewhat know-all/busybodyish comment about your technique was revealed to the person as being (unwitting) ableism. You have a disability that impacts your technique. The other member didn’t know about it and now s/he does, hence apologising.

You’re still pretty good at this activity, clearly.

I suspect the initial comment you could brush off as "what an arsey thing to say- must be an arsehole". When they apologised however, it turned the comment into something more serious that they felt justified in making an apology for which makes it sound more like its a "you" problem (your physical issue) that they should be taking very seriously.

I think it's neither that they were an arsehole nor is it a you problem. I think they said something impulsively that was a bit stupid and then when you mentioned your hip issue they probably went home and thought about it and started to feel anxiety about what an arse its made them look - hence their apology.

This isnt about you and it isnt about your form and it isnt about your hips. I think this is solely about their worry and anxiety that theyve made themselves look like a complete twat in public.

I really wouldnt dwell on it any deeper than that.

I think the fact that they gave you a proper apology shows they respect you and that you matter.

Perhaps you feel odd because you feel observed. When we step up and get involved in life we do get observed and that can make us uncomfortable. It’s a sign you are living life to the full. This is a good thing

I think they actually did the decent thing by realising that their throw away comment was uncalled for and felt genuinely sorry that they had said it. I don't know why you think people are laughing behind your back because of this? I think most people would have admiration for someone who is participating and competing with what is effectively a disability and being successful also. They probably admire the grit and determination it takes for you to do this!

The people laughing at me issue has come out of also seeing some of the photographs from the event last night…to be honest my legs are all over the place and I do look ridiculous😔

So basically knowing it is true and that is probably what other people think (but are normally too polite to say!)

I agree they did do the decent thing by apologising and sure they didn’t intend to make matters worse, so I would like to be able to move on without spending too much more time dwelling on it

This has only just happened, so give yourself a breather. You don't need to do anything urgently, you're not in danger, you will be able to assimilate this comment.

You are saying you look ridiculous - this is not self -supportive language.

Give yourself a little time to understand what's going on for you.

I agree with pp- it was easier to brush off when you could tell yourself they were just a dickhead.

It sounds as if what's upsetting you underneath is more that your legs aren't as you would like them to be, rather than either the comment or the apology. It's not unreasonable to find that upsetting. Maybe try to focus on the fact that, despite your disability, you have managed to achieve impressive things in the sport. I don't imagine for a moment that anyone is laughing at you.

It is just someone else's opinion, not an absolute truth. It was rude of the person to say it and they have apologised for their rudeness. If they had said to you that your technique is mad because you have blue hair, you wouldn't have thought any more of it, because their opinion would have felt meaningless, because I imagine you don't have blue hair.

So, this is about your own perception of yourself. Their opinion has made you doubt yourself, whereas before you were happy enjoying your hobby. The question is are you going to let someone else's rude throw away comment fester in your mind and spoil your enjoyment of your hobby? (Hopefully, your answer is no!)

I’m now sure that people are laughing at me behind my back.

How are you sure of this?

In my experience one is generally one’s own worst critic.

You are doing well at local level. Presumably others are doing not so well, even without your physical disadvantage. You can and should be proud of yourself!

If anyone else heard your response to this well-established member, they are probably now doubly impressed.

But lots of action photos of sport or dance look absolutely ridiculous, including those of top international stars in their fields -- professional photographers weed out those ones, so the ones we see in newspapers and magazines are the non-ridiculous ones. But someone snapping away with a camera phone at an event where people are running/catching/swimming/dancing/whatever will get lots of completely mad-looking photographs, regardless of the skill and ability of those involved.

Right firstly, what evidence do you have that people are "laughing at you"? just because you think this doesnt mean its true. So what if your legs are going everywhere? I am 5 foot 10" and look like a clumsy giraffe when I run - it doesnt matter, i am very good at running. I dont give a shit what I look like - running is one of the best things i do to take care of myself. I am not trying to resemble a ballet dancer when I run, i just love going fast.

You really need to challenge these thoughts about it all "being true" - nonsense. You have no proof of that whatsoever - so you saw a couple of unflattering photos, every single one of us could drag out an unflattering photo, its just one moment in time, its not indicative of you as a person. Thoughts are just thoughts, they arent facts.

But lots of action photos of sport or dance look absolutely ridiculous,

Exactly - catch any swimmer, runner, gymnast etc mid way in motion and you will see limbs flailing about everywhere- its completely normal

I think the fact that they gave you a proper apology shows they respect you and that you matter.

I think @Newgirls is spot on here. I’d look at it like that - your opinion of that person matters to her. And it’s a ballsy thing to apologise directly, so she deserves the credit for that.

I do get what you mean - I had a similar experience many years ago and it did knock me for six. What happened there (and I suspect might well be true in your case) was that someone else had heard the initial comment and had bollocked the person who made it. So the apology came from a place of the person who made the comment having reflected on what they’d said and being genuinely vey sorry. But it did make it “a big deal” again. So I do understand!

Not really what you are asking about but is your hip dysplasia definitely not treatable?
I know someone who has had surgery to improve it which lasted for 10 years before having her hips replaced.
Maybe yours is a particularly bad case?

You say yourself that you're relatively successful at this hobby, so I can't imagine that other people with a similar interest are laughing at your.

I don't think it's commonplace for normal, level headed adults to laugh at anyone who is putting in effort. I think you're assigning a high school mentality to a non-high-school scenario, which will be your negative mind talking.

I think you should be proud that despite your hip dysplasia, you are successful at this hobby. That puts you ahead of others, not behind.

I expect the person was absolutely mortified, and their apology was completely genuine. Nobody is going to be laughing at you for having less than ideal technique due to having physical limitations.

I'm sure the other person is still dwelling on it as much as you, but fortheir version of it, squirming with embarrassment cause that's what we all do, it's been pointed out you don't have perfect stance, but your doing exceptionally well, depends how we are feeling what bit we pick up on. your feeling in the spotlight as it's about you rather than the club/other people. Acknowledge it, and let it go.

It’s good they apologised! For what it’s worth I’m in a hobby with a competitive element and were often all criticised for technique, it’s part of the training. Criticised in a nice way, constructive etc. hope you can move on

I just read this and thought I need to get out and join a bloody club I keep meaning to. Also OP i think your bloody awesome crack on it sounds like a nice club.

Please don’t stop doing something you love out of an unfounded fear that people are laughing at you. I’m almost positive they are not. Most people will be to self absorbed/ worried about their own insecurities to notice. Give yourself some time and then see how you feel