Is this normal?

[DCMD]

Hi all,

Im not entirely sure what to do right now. The latest incident had with my wife being unkind was my little one banged her head whilst my wife was out, she asked if I had put ice on it to which I replied no which prompted a response of "are you f'n stupid. What an idiot". Is this normal behaviour? Am I overreacting by feeling hurt by this?

How badly did she bang her head? Did she bump it on something light or did it make contact with a hard surface? Was there a mark or swelling? Was she still upset when your wife returned? Did she display any signs of concussion - which can be severely dangerous especially in young kids bc their skulls are softer and more prone to damage? Did you google her symptoms or what had happened for advice or speak to a medical emergency person on the phone?

It’s difficult to judge whether your wife’s reaction was reasonable/ justified without any further details. Ideally she wouldn’t have reacted like that, but it’s a bit different for her saying that after finding her daughter unconscious with a large lump on her head, to finding you hadn’t done the washing up or taken the bins out. Fear can can make ppl irrational and react in sometimes overly emotional ways - anxiety, anger - especially when it comes to vulnerable children who can’t advocate for themselves . I hope your daughter’s ok.

It was banged enough to leave a small red mark but there was no swelling and there's no bruising this morning. Little one was happy and playing when wife got back, no signs of concussion. It's not the first time shes called me these things which she already knows hurt my feelings but in the past have been told I need to "stop being ridiculous your a man ffs".

No, not normal.

No, of course it’s not normal to speak to a spouse like this.

It’s not normal, and it’s nasty and uncalled for.

No, not normal. At all.

I’m not saying your wife was right with the way she spoke to you, at all- was she fearful in the moment and worried your daughter was seriously hurt? Or did she say it as a throw away comment, knowing she was alright, but just as a means to belittle and upset you?

I’m sorry you’re upset. You are in a difficult situation as you have a child, so potentially ending your relationship will have all sorts of ramifications. Is your wife aware she has an issue with anger or the way she does he to you? Is it just you? Does she have a short fuse in general?

Is this a one off or is this how she normally speaks to you? Because if it's a pattern of behaviour, that's not ok.

Seems to be a pattern. When ever shes stressed or tired she can go from 0 to 100 real quick. I also have a 7 year old daughter to which she speaks to her horribly and I've told her she shouldnt speak to her like that and all I get is "why are you taking her side". Im not someone has has ever suffered with mental health but theres times when shes around that I feel my enthusiasm and energy drain. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place as I'm unhappy but also dont want to leave my kids.

Is the 7 year old also hers? I’d not does she live with you?

Is there a reason why you'd have to leave your kids? Sounds like they might be better off living primarily with you

It's not good for your children to grow up with verbal/emotional abuse. If I were you, I would leave and 50/50 custody would be a starting point. At least then you and the children would have some peace and freedom from abuse. You could of course pursue more than 50/50 if you have evidence of abusive behaviour.

Yeah both kids are ours. The 7 year old (Z) gravitates towards me more. My wife (K) says its because shes more the disciplinarian but I just think she prefers me because I'm never stressed or upset and we always have a great time when its just us two. A quite regularly do the 7 month old (M) bed time, despite me still getting up through the night for feeds and working full time, and quite regularly I've came downstairs and K is on her phone and Z is on her iPad so theres no quality time there

I dont think she would let me take them. The last time we were in a rocky place she was saying she'd make it really difficult for me to see Z (before 7 month old was born). I told her folks this and they said they wouldn't let her do that to me but for fear of hardly seeing Z I stuck around. I feel like a weight is lifted when I'm at work away from K but if I pop to the shops or what ever and say I'm going to X shop but visit a few more (retail park down the road from where we live) there will be a call or at least a text asking how long I'll be

I agree, they would most definitely get a better version of me. Not being on edge or walking on egg shells. The other issue i have is I'm the only one who works so I pay all house bills (has been the case since Z was born over 7 years ago) and my bills and K bills. K did have a job where she was earning just over £900 per month but I was still paying her bills and she wasn't contributing to the house at all. Apparently me making more money means she shouldnt have to contribute. I guess what im getting at with this waffle is i pay for everything, we're both on mortgage and bills etc so technically its both our house so I'd have to move out but still pay for everything.

She sounds awful. Please for the sake of your kids, separate and give them at least one calm stable home. She can try and make it difficult all she likes, but I can tell you some truly horrendous parents get as much time with their kids as they choose, so without any evidence of eg abuse, drug taking or an inability to provide a safe home for them (this little bump on the head is NOT that!) she will be onto a losing battle.

Make plans, get your ducks in a row and then leave when you have everything in place (a home where you can put beds for the kids near school etc) so there’s no possible objection on that front. I’d try to do as much communication by text as you can so that you have a written record of any threats or unhinged behaviour on her part.

It may be that she’s stressed or whatever but that doesn’t give anyone the right to talk down to someone they’re supposed to love, she’s showing absolute contempt for you and it’s hard to come back from that.

Hmm that makes it harder. You can still file for divorce. You’ll have to live together while that’s in progress but then you may end up selling the house and splitting the proceeds to allow you both to build a future.

@DCMD it's difficult to pass judgement based on one or two comments as everyone is guilty of overreacting or snapping in relationships, only you know what the frequency of these hurtful comments is, do you get on generally most of the time or is this a regular occurrence? all i'd say is take a step back and think about your relationship, how do you treat each other, are you kind to each other for the most part or does it seem a bit toxic, make your decisions from there, also make sure she knows how comments like that make you feel, if you spell it out she might think about how she reacts in the future. Good luck.

No, not a nice way to talk. When I did my last first aid course (2 yrs ago) we were told that it is not recommended to put ice on a bump anymore because it could disguise any underlying bleed. The bump shows that something is wrong, especially if it grows bigger or lasts longer than expected.

Interesting to know. However if Chat GPT tells her something different she'll follow that. It's exhausting as not only is she addicted to social media she runs everything through that AI program. Might ask for my opinion and even if I justify it (which I have to do if its different opinion to hers) she'll do what ever AI says in anyway

Id say we get on ok for the most part but any little thing goes against her the atmosphere becomes tense and her way of venting is to have a pop at me or Z. We went for an outing to one of the national trust places near us, because we forgot to dummies/pacifiers (which was my fault) for M it was like someone had slapped her mum. There was also traffic so that was the worst thing in the world too, just made me not want to go at all. Z didn't seem overly keen either but we soldiered on. A comment of "cheer up, your bringing the mood down"

It sounds like you need to sit down (without the kids around) and have an open and honest chat.

Ask her what issues are bothering her and talk about what’s bothering you. Go into the conversation with the opening that you love her and want to improve things in the relationship and life in general so everyone is happier.

Listen to her and make some goals together. You never know what resentment she’s holding onto over issues she hasn’t raised with you.

Maybe she's got other things going on that we're unaware of, she sounds like she has some underlying issues with frustration, aggression, life can be really busy and i know my wife struggles to deal with stress, when there are lots of things on the go and things aren't going well she can get a bit snappy, not hurtful with comments really just a bit moody and short. I'd sit her down (if she's a listener) and just say that you've noticed she's not happy and seems really stressed at times and offer to take some of the load off, ask her what help she needs, it might just be that she's overwhelmed and needs you to recognise it or maybe she's just built to be passive aggressive, i don't know but talking is the first step to understanding whats going on. I don't like to introduce 'unthoughtful ideas' into the conversation but you'd know if she was seeing someone else wouldn't you? The only reason i ask is that one of my exes was pretty cool until she was seeing someone else, i noticed her mood changes, she became a bit short tempered and would snap because she wanted to be elsewhere. I hope that isn't the case with you BTW.

then you cant win or rather have a different opinion

Yeah she definitely isn't a listener sadly more of a talker and dominates conversations. My family say they barely get a chance to talk to me as K is doing all the talking. I think her dad's great but apparently wasn't the nicest growing up and was at times aggressive. It has gotten physical twice, in the past I've been grabbed by the throat, threatened to be punched in the face, a cucumber thrown at me and just last week hit on the backside aggressively. I dont believe she is seeing anyone else as she doesn't go out that often without one of the kids or heads to families house