Am I being unreasonable?

[EmotionalSherbert]

So I (female) have been with my wonderful boyfriend since Feb 2022. We are both 27 and I can definitely see how we have grown together.

We have a good relationship and I’m happy… for the most part. However, for I’d say about the last year or so, I’ve been getting down a lot over our relationship and I don’t know if I’m being dramatic or if it’s justified.

Brief background:
We see each other every weekend (Friday-Sunday/Monday)
I’m diagnosed BPD (borderline personality disorder) and he deals with anxiety and depression. Both of us are on medication and continuously seek professional support for this as well as being there for each other. I have also just been diagnosed with PCOS.

So I guess what’s getting me down probably has a lot to do with how slow we are moving or I suppose how fast I see our friends relationships moving. Me and my partner do not live together yet and I honestly can’t tell when thats going to happen. And yes I know, he always tells me, every relationship moves at a different pace and has different situations so I shouldn’t compare to others… just hear me out.

There are a few factors that do prevent us moving in together, I’m in an IVA until I’m 30 (Debts from when I was young and from a previous abusive relationship) and he already currently has a mortgage with his mom… it’s always just been him and his mom and he got the mortgage about 3 months before we got together. So buying a house is out of the question for me until after 30 which sucks, but then he also has another 14 years left on his mortgage with his mom and has no plans of coming out of that. So even by the time I can be ready to buy a house, if we wanted to get a mortgage together it makes it 10x harder as we aren’t first time buyers and deposit jumps up a hell of a lot as it will be classed as his second mortgage. So I can’t see that working for us.

I currently live in a 1 bed council flat and I’m a part time carer/PA for my 22 year old disabled brother. I LOVE looking after him but as he’s getting older and stronger and more independent he needs his own space and room (I’m sick of sleeping on the sofa). So ideally I need a two bed flat Atleast just to continue doing my job. (My boyfriend LOVES my brother and calls himself his big bro, he’s amazing with him). I have tried to reapply to council housing to get a two bed property and emailed my local MP, but they say I’m still only eligible for another 1 bed flat… so it’s pointless me moving from one to another. My only other option (which I’m more than happy to do, excited even) is to star night shifts caring again to get some extra money in to rent privately a 2 bed property. (I’m also doing the open university, but my priority is working more to move out so if I can’t make time to finish uni with working two part time jobs, I’m aware I will have to leave uni. This has been heavily consider).

My boyfriend has the idea that if I got a private place to rent that he could just move in after and split some of the bills all while still paying his mortgage and affording a holiday once a year…I can’t see that working for a couple reasons:
1: I really can’t see him being able to afford his current mortgage as well as splitting rent and some bills and then still afford a holiday. He already worry’s about his finances now as it is. I’m willing to give up holidays for a while if it means us moving in together.
2: if I rent a private place In my name, council tax will be for a single person… so if he just moves in after and we won’t tell anyone, I don’t want to be committing fraud or anything as council tax would (and should) go up. So if he wants to live there his name would have to be put down as well.
I just can’t see that working out.

His other option is for me to move into his with him and his mom… now i moved out when I was 19 and have been parent free since then, so that alone makes me say no. I love his mom but I don’t want to live with her, I’d feel like I’m moving into a home that would never be mine and I’d feel like I’m moving backwards. Both my grandparents are also against this idea and I do respect what they have to say. (My mom died 13 years ago and I don’t have a father daughter relationship with my dad, we are more like friends that constantly fall out. So I’m very close to my grandparents).

Another reason for me not wanting to move into his with him and his mom is down to my job looking after my brother. Their house isn’t big at all( no issue with that) but it’s perfect for 2 people, 3 would be a push. But 4 people on the days I have my brother would be impossible. No idea where he would sleep.

So that’s another no…

Other things that get me down are the fact that I’m 27, not living with my boyfriend of 4 years and in my heart and mind, I’m so ready to get married and start a family.
I know I may sound too traditional and I get it’s not for some(you do you) but in an ideal situation, I would like to be married before having kids. I have told my boyfriend this and he doesn’t give much of a response. I feel like ive compromised by saying okay, Atleast engaged and living together before having kids.

Side note: I don’t really want to be 30+ no kids and no idea when I’m getting married. That just isn’t what I want which I think is fair. I’d rather know it isn’t going to get to that and stay single with no kids. But I know what I want with my boyfriend. I want to marry him and have kids with him.

We have spoke about marriage and we both seem on the same page about wanting it, but he says things along the lines of ‘it will happen when it happens’ which doesn’t give me confidence. Kids on the other hand we talk about a lot more.

I have recently come off the pill due to recommendations from the doctor after my PCOS diagnosis. This scares me. I would absolutely love to have a baby, like more than anything, but I don’t want us to get pregnant while we aren’t living together and ideally before we are engaged/married. I suppose the marriage before babies for me shows a more solid foundation and commitment, and it’s just something I want.

I know there are other forms of contraception but I don’t want the implant or anything like that and we both struggle with condoms so the pill worked for me. But like I say, now I’m not on it, I’m scared I’ll get pregnant and have no choice but to move into his with his mom and I REALLY don’t want that. I wouldn’t be happy at all.

I guess I’m just questioning everything. I love him more than anything and I know exactly what I want from our relationship. He says he does too and that we are on the same page but with everything I’ve mentioned above, I just don’t think he actually thinks everything through. I may overthink a lot but I feel I’m being sensible with this.

Now, when we talk or see each other, I’m so happy to see him/talk to him, but I’m also really sad because I don’t know where this relationship is going to go.

I guess I just want some advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation or know whether I’m being unreasonable or not.

The absolute last thing I want is for this relationship to end, but like I say, I don’t want to be 30+, 10 years in to the relationship and still in the same place we are now. That also scares me.

But why does your brother have to live with you? Can’t he get his own space/sheltered accommodation if he can’t live independently and together you’re not eligible for a 2-bed? It makes no sense that you’re sleeping on the sofa in your own flat, while working as his PT carer? Where does he live at weekends or when he’s not at yours?

I’ll be blunt and say that you should walk away from this relationship. You want to move forward, live together, marry and have children. He’s overly involved with his mother financially, can’t live with you and isn’t interested in the same goals. And I think you should stop having sex if you can’t find a reliable method of contraception. It would be a disaster if you got pregnant.

A mortgage with his mum?! That sounds problematic for any relationship

It sounds as though you both have a lot of constraints in your lives and those constraints might not be compatible with each other alongside your fixed wishes about where your life should be when you hit 30.

Something has to give. You just need to work out what.

He doesn’t have to live with me, my paid job is to have him overnight 2-3x per week. The rest of the time he lives with our dad his main carer, and dad has no interest in my brother living in supported accommodation. So thats where I am with it. I’m the respite and thats my job, so I do need a 2 bed place just for that. (I’m his pa/carer (personal assistant))

Tell me about it

You need to get out of this relationship - if he wanted marriage and kids you'd already be married.

You sound like a wonderful person. Get out now and by the time you're free of debt at 30 your next relationship will be a year or two along and you'll be ready to settle.

You sound lovely and I don’t think you should pin all your hopes on this boyfriend. As wonderful as he might seem you both have complicated mental health issues and less than easy living circumstances.
Focus on getting yourself your own council property, so that you have some space.
And working on your career.

Relationships following the traditional / typical set up are not always happy, far from it. Doing what you can for yourself independently will put you in the best position for your own MH and future happiness. In years to come you can see if you’re in a financial and healthy MH position to consider starting a family. It is very very hard work.

That doesn’t make any sense to me, unless your salary covers the extra costs of paying for a 2 bed flat you only need because you have your brother sleep over 2/3 nights a week, as you say you’re not eligible for a council 2-bed?

I agree with @moderate that you both have lots of constraints on your lives that limit your future together. If you both really wanted to, at least some could be worked around, but he doesn’t sound that bothered. And tbh, if he got a mortgage with his mother aged 23, he must have known that was going to going to severely limit his possibilities of ever living and owning property either a partner, yet he went ahead. I mean, it’s not the action of someone who wants marriage and children.

If I stopped doing uni and worked some night shifts part time as well as having my brother part time, then I could (hopefuly) afford private rent on a two bed property. The council housing association wouldnt put my brother on my housing application hence why I’m not eligible for 2 bed council property.

I honestly would walk away from this relationship. You aren’t on the same page re living together or even living arrangements. And to be totally truthful with you, bringing a child into the set up you currently have with your brother being with you overnight whether you lived with your partner or not would be a disaster. Stay in your flat, finish uni, then see what options are out there for you in terms of rent.

I say that with all the love a stranger on the internet can give you. Even the most stable and solid relationships are totally shaken up with the arrival of a child and yours doesn’t sound like that at the moment, so either go on the jab or coil or stop having sex.

xx

But then you’re disadvantaging yourself educationally and financially. You wouldn’t actually need a 2-bed flat were it not for your job having your brother overnight, and the extra tent you’d be paying would presumably wipe out what you get paid for that!

My brother is my brother it’s what you do for family. He needs support at the end of the day, like ive said dad doesn’t want him to go into supported accommodation and it’s his decision - I have no say in that. So while my brother needs my support he will get it. That’s why I need two bedrooms, I want him to have his own safe, personal space at mine as well.

When I first started dating my now husband, his mom was really pushing for him to buy a house with his brother! I had to have a chat with him much earlier than I wanted to let him know if our relationship developed, I would want to be looking to live together and buy a house.
Him buying a place with his brother therefore would be a massive stumbling block.
if he had gone ahead and done that, I don’t think we would have lasted past 12 months.

likewise I wouldn’t stay with someone at your stage of life, who had a mortgage with his mum. you want to buy a house and have kids etc and that doesn’t work if he can’t get another mortgage and is tied like a partner to his mom.

I hate to agree, but I do. It’s worried me since we first got together and now over 4 years in I’m really not seeing how it’s going to work out. I really hate this, I love him so so much I just hate the situation and don’t know what to do.