How do single-earner families usually arrange money and access?

[Curlyfifteen]

I am a sahm with a few small side hustles that make small amounts of money but not much, less than £5k. My husband has a good salary. Over £125k. I keep saying to put more in the pension to reduce tax bill but he won't. How can I help him?

Is his salary "his" or "ours"?

I have a credit card to spend on shopping and days out etc. But we have no joint account and I have no access to cash without asking him or using my side hussle money.

Is this common for single earner families? How do you arrange your finances?

I don’t think your arrangement is typical at all, except in relationships that are financially abusive.

Dh is the sole earner for us currently. I am out of work due to cancer, not by choice. We have a joint account from which everything joint is paid - mortgage, family car expenses, bills, food shopping, days out, clothes, shoes, activities, school lunches for dc. Dh pays me £2k a month. This is slightly less than my take-home pay used to be. From that, I pay proportionately into our joint account. I pay about £800-1000 depending on the month. Dh obviously also pays into the joint account. The other £1000-1200 is my personal money to spend on whatever I like - meals out, coffee and cake, clothes for myself, my hobbies, solo holidays, etc.

It means we have joint money for joint expenses, but we also both have our own personal money. I have plenty of money of my own and never have to worry about not having enough. We are a team. There have been times when I’ve been the higher earner of the two of us. I put more money into our house deposit, for example. But Dh earns well and until I’m better again and able to work, he makes sure I’m looked after.

With his high income, I would envision you to have a money hassle free lifestyle for you and your kids. If not, then think about divorce

What is his is ours, what is mine is ours

Back in the day when we both earned equally - we had our own accounts and split the costs. Then I got ill and didnt earn for ages so I got a joint card for his account. Then I started earning a little, opened a separate account . Id pay for groceries, my own car and phone and BB, he would pay the rest and If I needed to spend more then I had, I used the "joint account" - joint as in I could spend from it but never put any in

I would think nothing of buying for his children/ family using the "joint card"

Due to inheritance and an injury claim, my account is fuller, but he still pays most of the running costs . Right now we are renovating so most of those costs are coming from my account

We dont see it as his or mine, we use the money where it's needed. Just he can be a tad "silly " with money, if the big payouts had landed in his account, there would be new cars on the drive ( not needed at all )

I have never ever in my life had to ask my DH for money for anything. If its there, its for both of us , regardless of who earned it

I would be out the door if I had to ask for money. If you are a SAHM caring for joint children, he should be passing you an allowance for personal spends and savings so you didnt have to ask

Are you married , I would be even more worried if not ?

Sorry just to clarify, the credit card i have is essentially his, i am a second card holder but cannot view statements or anything, just spend. I’m generally quite frugal and don’t enjoy spending money but i would like cash so i can save and invest for the kids, pension etc. i feel a bit blind. I do have my own savings from side hustles which is growing slowly. Is it fair to expect some of his money without giving half of mine (which is tiny)?

He can either share half his money with you while married or half after you get divorced.

I was a SAHM for several years. What we did was I had a credit card linked to his credit card, which he paid off at the end of each month. If it was cash/debit card money that I needed, I would ask him to transfer me a couple of hundred pounds,

I wiuld put everything from both of you into a joint account...this pays for

All bills
Mortgage
Children's stuff
Cars
His work clothes

A proportion goes into joint savings
Both get the same amount of spends to put into your own accounts

Been married almost 20 years and DH doesn't ask about how I spend our family income (he is the sole earner). If I want to spend money on a haircut, that's fine. If any of the 4 DC need clothing, also no questions asked. I buy what is needed. He trusts me.

Trust is missing from your relationship OP.

We have had a joint account since the beginning of our marriage.

And my DH earns a fraction of what your DH earns btw....

You didn’t have access to money without asking him?

We have a joint account that we are both card holders for and DH transfers funds in to it monthly or when needed.
he also transfers me £500 a month that is “my money” to spend on what I like (hair, beauty stuff, etc)

all child and house related costs come from the joint account and I never have to ask for money.

we would discuss larger purchases or costs before making them as a couple, but that works both ways

No it's not fair to have his money without sharing yours. Joint finances are normal but they're joint for both of you.

When I was a SAHM all money was completely shared.

Of course I did.

Apologies. It wasn’t clear with you saying you had to ask your DH for money. It sounded like the money was in your DH’s account rather than a joint one.

We have a joint account for joint things; family and house stuff so if I take the kids some where my coffee would come out of the joint account and things like pretty plants for the house. Alongside all the usual bills, food shopping and clothes for the kids and anything medical eg prescriptions, glasses and gym membership. We also have have the same amount of money each for personal spending eg clothes, going out with friends and anything else we fancy.

You should have login details for the credit card and a joint account. You should have equal individual spending money.

If your DH were to die tomorrow, how would you pay the bills, pay off the credit card, know how to access his pension?

If you were to split up and be awarded 50/50 custody - how would that pan out for you both?

Is he paying in to a pension for you?

You are facilitating his high earning career, you are a partnership, and therefore all money belongs equally yo you both.

Why not write down all your expenses, household bills etc but also regular costs for the DC, a realistic monthly amount for your own pension (and his if not via his employer), an agreed amount for savings, and whatever is left over should be split equally.

Why do women repeatedly find themselves in this situation where they have no job, no access to money and hope the shit will never hit the fan?

I’m the sole earner in our household, parter is the stay at home parent.
We don’t have a joint account, my card/bank details are in my partners phone to spend on whatever we need/want.

That’s it. There’s no asking for money, yes the account is soley in my name, we both can do whatever we want with the money that’s in there.

Income goes into a joint account - he’s a high earner and I have carers allowance.

All bills come out of that. My private pension that we pay into is included as a general bill.

Then we get the same amount of spending money into our own accounts. Savings go into savings accounts (one joint and individual isas). Then an amount goes into a joint account for spending on shopping, the kids stuff, fuel etc.