Is it normal to feel sexually ignored in a long-term relationship?

[MyLilacHelper]

Hello

ive been with my fiancé for 2 years now and our sex life isn’t getting any better.

Regardless of how much I kiss, caress, play I go down on her and then PIV. Nothing else.

I’ve asked her to do things to me but nothing, it’s like my penis is invisible.

im not looking for sex advice, just a steer on whether this is normal - it isn’t for me. We are both 35.

Have you tried talking to her about it

Yes we’ve talked lots but it’s like she doesn’t see it as a priority. For me intimacy is something we create together and it’s only me doing it.

You have a problem Houston.
It’s probably not going to improve. Not everyone can be sensual, but when a couple are, it’s a mind blowing connection.

You might find couples counseling helpful but frankly if this is who she is maybe she’s just hanging in there until something she prefers comes along? Maybe there’s a lot she’s repressing or hiding? Maybe her heart’s not really into you or your engagement?

If whatever you try, based on responses here, doesn’t help, might be time to pack your bags.

I wouldn't worry about what's 'normal', tbh. All there is is what does/doesn't work for you and your partner in your relationship.

If it's not working for you, then the best thing is to just communicate. Just be sensible about it. Pick a time where you're both comfortable, not stressed about other things, no other friction going on etc.

And keep in mind that it might make her feel criticised, so make it a 'we' conversation not an 'I' conversation, and be empathetic about it if it isn't very comfortable for her.

She was abused as a child so maybe this is affecting her.

All I would say with certainty is that it will get much worse after you marry, so please don't get married. I saw similar red flags with my ex while before we were married. Ignored them, and had a long hugely dysfunctional and sex less marriage. If you care for each other, go get counseling, and see if you get through this, but please don't get married (and certainly don't have kids) until you figure this one out, because if you don't there is a real expiry date on this relationship.

Sorry to break it to you but if she’s not interested now, it will Only get worse. She’ll then resent you for bugging her about it more and more.

if regular sex is really important to you then think twice about marrying her.

or she’s getting it elsewhere

Thats your answer then.

Either you want to marry her and accept that this is your sex life going forward. Or you accept that you're not compatible and so don't marry her.

Sex just isn't important for some people. For others it is. You need to find someone compatible with you.

Not normal, no.

I don’t think this is fair on you at all. Whatever the reasons for her reluctance, you shouldn’t be condemned to a marriage where you don’t feel desired and where your partner doesn’t want to touch you or give you pleasure. If your partner was a man, you’d get a million replies saying that he was lazy and clueless.

I don’t think it’s something that’s likely to improve, so I think you need to have a long think about whether you can live like this. I couldn’t (I’m not a man but the same would apply either way; if there’s a mismatch).

You mention your fiancée has been abused as a child which obviously is likely to have had an impact on the way she feels about sex, and of course that’s not her fault. But neither is it your fault, and I don’t think it’s fair to expect you to switch off your sex drive and for her to pay no attention to your enjoyment and then act as if it shouldn’t matter. It does matter. It matters a lot.

Well this is a huge key piece of information and obviously the crux of the issue. This poor woman has been through unimaginable things and obviously still struggles.

She needs therapy and support not you pushing her into things she clearly isn’t happy with.

This will only get worse. Move on.

@MyLilacHelper oh, yes i would say the abuse is the key factor here and that is very sad, nobody should have to go through that. In answer to your original question though, yes, it's definitely a lot more common than you think to feel sexually ignored in a long term relationship, i'm living it too and i feel for you man, it's hard, and it hurts.

If it's like this at this early stage of the relationship it's unlikely to get any better for you I'm afraid.
You need to decide whether you can live with that for, potentially, decades or not.

Do you know what i find very interesting an revealing about your post OP? It took you to post number 3 before you revealed a massive, significant aspect of her background.

Your post focuses on your frustration and presumably you're asking how you can get what you want from her, but despite you saying you go down on her, I'm not hearing genuine concern for her or her enjoyment in your writing.

It's more than understandably to feel sad and ignored in your situation, but I'd like to reflect on the way you think about this issue. We get a number of men on here who post about their wives that sound like they're frustrated that their toy doesn't work probably, and how they can get it to work again. When you point this out to them, they will usually follow-up with protesting about how caring they are, but their first post and what they choose to write about reveals what is their priority.

It could be past abuse, but she could also not be sexually attracted to you, for whatever reason. She has to actually want to go resolve this, want to communicate about it, otherwise you'll continue being unhappy.

Op you wrote about your penis being ignored before you added very important information of abuse your poor fiance has been through. That's very very revealing about you order of priorities. I'd suggest individual therapy for you.

Is this a genuine op 🤔

You're not suited to each other.

Some of the responses here are pretty harsh.

if it was a woman OP, you’ll all be up in arms about how lazy he is.

the ordering of a post does not demonstrate how someone is feeling or how much they care for their partner.

this man came to us for support, not for an ear bashing. Have some respect.

I agree. The absolute mauling men get on MN is a disgrace. And, presumably they come here to get a woman's perspective and that's brave and open-minded.

To be fair the men and women on here get a mauling, when you post questions in a forum you have to be prepared for mixed responses, as a man i don’t really care as i can take it on the chin, some people however may not be in a good place or may be sensitive, be honest but try to be kind, not everyone can handle being mauled. 🌸 be kind 🌸

You’re young, you’re sexually incompatible. If you want more and she’s not into it maybe you’re not meant to be together. I settled for less when I was your age and it made me incredibly depressed. You sound like you have no ties other than being engaged, plenty of time to move on and both of you find someone more suitable for your needs