Help with relationship/friendship

[Crazyhorsefemale]

ok I’d just like to ask for some kindness with this post. I’ve had a terrible few years and I’m feeling slightly fragile. This may be a long one….

basically I was in a terrible 15 year relationship, all kinds of hell. Mentally, financially abusive etc etc Broke up 2 years ago found myself again, got my confidence back l. 8 months ago I met a lovely guy and we hit it off. (I’d been on few dates beforehand but didn’t feel a spark with anyone else)

Started dating and after a while made it official. We were both very happy, eventually he told me he loved me etc etc no evidence of love bombing (I hope) anyway out of the blue after about 6 months he went a bit quiet and then ended things. I was shocked but appreciated his honesty. Reasons were silly things like living arrangements in the future (nothing that made sense to me but again I wasn’t begging). After a few days nc he reached out, explained he got anxious about the relationship and wanted to remain friends. Since then we kind of fell into our old ways, seeing each other 2/3 times a week, chatting most nights on the phone, intimacy, going on dates etc But never has been a mention of “a relationship” I just feel at the moment I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I struggle with anxiety and I know I can’t continue in his situation. I know I haven’t set appropriate boundaries in place and that’s my fault but I think a stupid part of me thought being with him in some capacity was better than nothing.

The issue is I like to get things off my chest, but he’s very difficult to get to open up. Am I flogging a dead horse? TIA

I think this isn’t fair on you, OP. You should have the commitment that makes you feel secure.

I can imagine that after he made contact with you again, you were so relieved that asking about the nature of the relationship as he saw it wasn't on the agenda. You've been left with a load of anxiety and that isn't fair.

It would be reasonable to ask him some questions about how he ses things. There is a really good chance that you'll not going to get a straight answer, more along the lines of " seeing how things go" while 'friends'.

Don't settle for less than you need or are worth, @Crazyhorsefemale because there is a real risk of that in this situation.

Thank you. I appreciate it.
He has many a few jokey comments about how we see each other more now “we aren’t together” and kind of laughs it off as if to say yeah right! At the start I said I’m not willing to enter into a fwb situation and he didn’t like that terminology but also said I just can’t offer a relationship to you it wouldn’t be fair. But also said why does it have to have a label. It’s not even the label I care about it’s the fact he’s single, I’m single (technically) but it feels like we’re in a relationship. Am I just a stop gap? My anxiety doesn’t help me either when I spiral

You're a FWB.

It sounds like he's hoping to continue with zero commitment and string you along until his soulmate appears on the scene. It's very unfair of him to expect this from you.

I'd call it a day and find someone who genuinely wants to be with you.

Honestly he’s not your friend. He’s using you and he’s getting what he wants without having to make the effort. Cut him off. U don’t need to block or that but get rid. Yes it’s shit and it hurts but better u have ur self respect than be used by his for his own benefits. At the very least stop the contact and no sex or anything! U will find he stops contacts and you will see him for what he is.

I think this is a situationship and he’s stringing you along.

He’s stringing you along until somebody better comes along. Will dump you and pick you up on repeat if you let him.

Unfortunately, he's not not the kind person you assumed he was when beginning your relationship. I say this because he absolutely knows you're being hurt that you two are not in a committed relationship, and has the gall and cruelty to make jokes about it. He's selfish, wants to get the goodies without the specific efforts it takes to be in an exclusive relationship, while being free to be intimate with a variety of other women if there were any takers.

Hormones are released in women during sex, biologically making them want to bond with a man, even if he's not right for her. This is clouding your mind, and when you get some distance from him with no contact, you will eventually shake your head at how long it took to make a clean break from this clown.

I'm guessing he has a history of these brief types of relationships. But whatever his reasoning, it doesn't matter. Take your power back and go no contact. As you realize, you can't do this nonsense anymore. Take care.

Thank you so much. I think this is what I needed to hear. I’ve spent so long not wanting to pressure him I’ve just forgotten myself.

This man is using you. Bring back your power, block and move on. Delete all contact or this will not end well for you. You have different goals out of a relationship. Stay strong and take care.