Name changed for this but regular poster. Username says it all. Will use headings and paragraphs as best as I can to make it easier to read. TLDR is at the bottom.
Background:
I am a mother of 2 married for 16 years, together 22 with my ex and now recently divorced. Less than 2 years. The divorce has been horrendous and left me quite impoverished but I have slowly started to carve out a way for myself to rebuild my life. It is painfully slow and I definitely think it's fair to say I have been struggling. My ex-husband is a very high earner while I have been made redundant in my long term job at the same time etc. We are trying to sell the family home which is both painful but also important so that we finally have a clean break from each other.
Current issue:
My mum has now taken it upon herself to book an airplane ticket from my country of origin to where I live now as she is “worried about me”. She did not clear this with me nor did she ask me - it was presented as a fait accompli. I know my life is less than ideal right now - I have so little money and I have constant run ins with my ex and I am incredibly worried about how this is impacting my children but as I said I am making small steps and gains in terms of rebuilding my life.
My mum's visit feels like interference and is overbearing and this is not something I want at all but tickets have been booked at great expense so nothing will change.
I feel very angry and almost resentful about this. The space I have created after my divorce is mine (smaller, as I said much more impoverished, but I cherish the peace, the quiet and being in control of my own life after an abusive marriage). To make it worse, she told me it would be a visit of 10 days length but in fact now I have seen the ticket confirmation it is in fact 15 days! I find this outrageous - I really have tried hard to carve out my own life and I don't like people imposing me on this way.
I replied to the ticket confirmation saying "I thought you said only 10 days" and she replied " I can go somewhere else when you are sick of me". It felt very manipulative. She has form for this sort of guilt-tripping.
To give the absolute full context my mother is a co-dependant/enabler, my father is an alcoholic and all my childhood I have had to navigate the tight rope between them. My mum is saying she needs a break from my dad and his sexually incontinent/drunken antics but
- I already have a lot on my plate and
- I no longer see that as my job (perimenopause has helped with this realisation) - the role of being the comforter for a mother who is not strong enough to stand up for herself in her own marriage is no longer attractive to me.
She was shocked and dare I say it appalled when I divorced my husband for verbal abuse, financial control and some physical abuse and it is almost like she is now tagging her own story onto mine suddenly. Like almost a divorce-grief vulture.
She says she wants to spend this time with me talking about how this has all taken a toll on me and how her marriage is equally miserable and she thinks we can help each other.
I absolutely do not feel the same way - I am ANGRY in equal measures at my father for be an abusive alcoholic father and husband and I am also FURIOUS at my mother for just putting up with it and not protecting me or my siblings.
I do not want to compare notes with her at all. I, in moments where my empathy is low, find her weak. I made my own choice to leave my marriage and I live by that (despite a conservative cultural background) - my life has been severely impacted but my kids will never see the nonsense that I had to endure as a child.
I resent her wish for us to "bond" over shared experiences and I have ZERO interest in being her "therapist" for these 2 weeks she has hijacked out of my life without my permission.
Then the “normal” “just be kind” part of me overrides my anger and I realise that she wants/needs a break from a very toxic situation and I feel compassion and empathy and that I should do everything I can to make sure she has a nice time, has some lovely memories to take home with her, and that I am being an angry bitch when I should be kind and gentle as I would wish anyone to treat me.
I just don't know where to put all my feelings. I am in therapy but my lovely therapist is on holiday for the next few weeks and I don't know what to do with myself.
I feel like I am a horrible person for not having compassion but I feel so ambushed and I still have so much anger at both of my parents and I have nowhere to put it. I resent the intrusion; I resent the fact that they don't just sort out their own marriage without dragging me into it and I am tired of being the first-born kid that grew up too fast and is basically used as a crutch because both neither my mum or dad will absolutely never own their sh*t and I am so tired of it.
They never impose themselves like this on my younger sisters - it's just good old me, ever reliable. Ever stable. My mum said yesterday "you are my most organised child - I know I will have a lovely restful time with you" - that made me SO ANGRY because it feels so unfair and I am TIRED of being the safe haven for everyone - no one afforded me this courtesy when I was knee deep in arranging custody arrangements for my kids which honestly nearly ended me.
I have so much anger and resentment towards my mum AND my dad.
All that said, I do love my mum dearly and I see clearly that she is a victim of abuse and my Dad is definitely the a-hole here. I just feel completely ambushed here.
Also I have a Mirena coil for HRT and/or heavy periods that was working (eventually) very well for me and in the last 2 days (when all this nonsense started) I am now breakthrough bleeding AGAIN – just when everything had finally settled down. I know this is a stress response from my body and it makes me even MORE angry.
TLDR: please help me cope with an unexpected, long visit from my mum when I have really conflicting feelings about her, and my father, and my family in general.