Could relationship counselling work as a last resort ?

[Resurrectiondad]

Looking for some advice really, as I’m at a loss as to what to do.

Trying to cut a very long story short, the past 18 months or so, my partner and I have been in a very bad place. We own a house, have two beautiful children aged 18 months and 4 years old, and a dog (who can be a handful given his breed).

We have everything we could wish for on paper. However, around the time our son was due, I felt that was the pivotal point when things started to go bad. I could be here all day explaining both of our resentment issues and the reasons we fight, but essentially, neither of us feels heard.

It feels like we’re in the “shit gets real” years of life. We have very little support raising our kids, and I work long hours away from home during the day, so she does a lot of the childcare by herself during the week while also working part-time when the kids are at nursery.

She feels I wasn’t there enough during the nights, didn’t support her enough through pregnancy, and that she carried a lot of the weight and mental load. She also resents my parents, who were never really present for the kids, which made me deeply unhappy. She feels that I think nothing is ever good enough. Her resentment towards me has grown so much that we now essentially live as roommates.

One of my biggest issues is the difference in how we approach running a household. For context, I grew up with two parents who had OCD and kept a spotless house. They were always on top of every aspect of adult life. I completely understand that, with two young children, that level of organisation is not achievable.

She comes from a family of five siblings and is a fantastic mum. She’s comfortable living in a house that feels more “lived in,” with clutter in storage areas, washing piled up, beds unmade, and so on. Unfortunately, this stresses me out and puts me on edge.

More frustratingly, she struggles to discuss or manage aspects of adult life and household responsibilities. She tends to bury her head in the sand when important things need urgently dealing with. We lack structure in our lives when it comes to things like food shopping lists, managing bills, arranging MOTs, and other life admin, and it completely frustrates me. Trying to communicate this amicably feels impossible, and she simply doesn’t see it the same way I do.

I wish I wasn’t wired the way I am, but I can’t help it. I’m about to start seeing a counsellor myself for some minor OCD-related issues.

It’s important to acknowledge that this is now the second time I’ve moved back in with my parents. I realise that doesn’t look good. To be honest, some of our arguments have been really bad, with some pretty unforgivable things said on both sides. A couple of times things have become so heated that we’ve pushed each other. The first time I moved out, my parents and partner fell out and only recently reconciled.

The second time I moved back in, I genuinely tried my best to move on and reignite the spark between us, but she was still resentful and gave very little back. Deep down, I feel we both still want to make this work, but the thought of living separate lives daunts us both. At the same time, it feels increasingly likely.

Could this still work? Has anyone tried relationship counselling and found it worked wonders? It’s the last option I can see that might help us stay together, because it feels like this situation is now beyond our ability to fix on our own.

I don’t have any experience with relationship counselling but my partner and I have struggled over the years to find a “common language” when facing challenges. We have had to find ways to communicate better for the other person and ourselves. For example, sometimes I just need to vent about work, but wants to solve the problems I raise. I have had to explain that verbalising it helps me process and find my own solution. Other times I need sounding board. So now I will check with him - “I need to vent a bit about work. Do you have 10 minutes to listen?” He usually says yes, and I accept that he may be thinking about football when he nods while I am ranting!
Equally, he will say something like “I need 15 minutes to get your input into [insert life admin matter]. Could we chat about this over the weekend?” This gives me time to build myself up to talking about something I don’t really want to talk about, and he feels like we are making progress.
It is very easy to focus on what has happened in the past. If you want to rebuild your relationship, you are going to have to focus on the future. Is there one small achievable change that you can make to help her? Check if it would help and then do it. It’s a cliche but someone has to take the first step. I’m not saying you have to do all the work, but show that it matters to you.

I Hope you find your way back to each other and can appreciate the wonderful qualities of each other that you fell in love with.

Relationship counseling can work if you are both genuinely open to listening, compromise and willing to make changes. Both of you need to be willing to invest the mental energy to do this and to be told you are part of the problem. If either of you goes into it just wanting the counselor to validate your position, and challenge your partner it will be less helpful. Having said all this, relationship counseling only helped clarify my options to me. It was invaluable and I am much much happier for it, but I am no longer with my then husband.

Yes, you absolutely need relationship counselling ASAP. It shouldn't be the last resort and it's possible you're too late. Has she asked you to consider it before? I've had two lots with my DH over our 20 year relationship and it's been amazing for us each time BUT we did it as soon as communication issues arose not as a last resort. I have a couple of friends in a similar position to you where their partners refuse relationship therapy as they feel it's a sign 'the relationship is broken'. Makes me wants to scream. I think everyone in a long term relationship should do it, especially when children are involved.

www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/what-is-counselling/

You have a lot to say about what isnt happening and her failings.

she struggles to discuss or manage aspects of adult life and household responsibilities.

I wonder how much of the adult life and household responsibilities you are taking on.

It sounds like she doing a lot. She works PT. Does must of the childcare. Has done most of the nights ( seen as she resents your lack of support). She's the primary parent. I expect she wants a partner instead of a person thats absent but also a critic.

I clean the house, help with washing, do my ironing, sort the bills, help with food shopping, take bins out do the gardening and help put the kids to bed. However I am also happy to take your points on board

Why don’t you pay for a cleaner it’s cheaper than divorce. If you want meals planned — plan them. You have time in your lunch breaks or evenings. And book that counselling appointment so that you can learn to communicate better. She doesn’t want to be wine and dined. She wants you to see how hard she is working to raise your children in the way she sees best which means spending time with them over a tidy house.

Your kids will grow up and it will get easier. But if you don’t show her love in the way she needs in the hard times you wont get this chance again. Resentment is the death knell in the coffin of relationships.

I’m not saying it’s not hard. It is. And if you are a decent husband and father she will likely be able to appreciate you more once the hard days of child rearing are over but right now her life and body have completely changed. Of course yours has too but not to the same extent. Show her empathy and try not to make parenting a competition. If bring positive energy to your relationship she will hopefully start giving back the same energy and you will both be happier.

If you genuinely look at the labour, who does what, who is carrying the load. Do you think its equal? Is she carrying you?

I don't think counselling will help unless everyone involved is honest, wants to change, understand each other and take accountability.

My H does the food shopping. I write the list. I clean the fridges and freezers. I rotate the tins. I put it all away. He sorts the bills but the are direct debits so I'm not sure exactly how much sorting that involves. He thinks he does a lot. Im doing all the organising, all the remember, all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, waking nights, early mornings. Realistically he does a 12 hour day and mine is more like an 18 hour + day. Im always on call. Im not saying your the same just that you need to really think about it. Where her resentment comes from.

Thankyou so much very good advice

You know you could help with the kids washing and cleaning, and admin.

You do your ironing? Do you mean you iron your own clothes? If so, I can’t quite believe you added that to your list of chores. Of course that’s your job; they’re your clothes.

The way you’ve framed some of these as “help” is quite typical. Perhaps you need to take charge of some more household stuff, especially if you’re the one so stressed by it all. You could make the beds, for example?? Instead of just getting annoyed by it? Why is it on her?

The fact that you feel that you "help" with washing, food shopping, and puttiing your children to bed, plus do your own ironing, raises some queries for me why you don't understand why she might be feeling resentful. Do you truly feel there is an equal division of load and labour? Would she say that she helps put the kids to bed? Helps with the laundry and food shopping?

That says that she's responsible and you pitch in to help her, as the load bearer, as and when you decide to. That's an issue.

And your resentment comes from the fact that she's not keeping the household regime tight enough for your liking?

I would see a couples counsellor asap, if you can be open to listening and truly hearing each other. Resentment is a killer, it will turn into contempt and each spat will leave a stain. Try it, you've nothing to lose at this point, but I would be prepared to be humbled.

Do you do the kids washing and ironing or do you only do yours and leave your partner to the kids stuff?

I make the beds, do the kids washing as well. I get involved in all the house hold chores except the cooking ( I lack confidence in cooking and I’m quite bad at it ) atm 🙃

Noted on some of the points and the feedback is invaluable, I need to listen and take tough criticism on things as well

You say you're at a loss at what to do, and you feel counselling is a last resort. And yet, you're able to say that

She feels I wasn’t there enough during the nights, didn’t support her enough through pregnancy, and that she carried a lot of the weight and mental load...

That is massive. What have you done in the past 18 months to address this? I can hear that you have argued with her, pushed each other, but given that you can only control your own behaviour, what work have you done to let her know that you hear how she felt abandoned by the one person that should have had her back in the most vulnerable time of her life, and is resentful of that and still carrying the hurt, other than make this about household management and shortcomings?

I would start not by throwing your hands up in the air, claiming you don't know what went wrong, and attemtping to pay someone else to fix it, but by being very honest with yourself about exactly what has gone on here, without centering yourself.

She will tell you all you need to know if you are willing to drop your ego and actually listen and take steps to repair.

As an aside, if she is saying that she would like the marriage to be over, she is letting you know that being a single parent to two children would literally be easier than trying to parent with you.

Take from that what you will. Women with young children do not turn their back on a marriage unless they are feeling completely unsupported. There is your answer.

I wish I have your problems. I believe these can be solved, by both communication and adjus expectations.