Played again at 41, feel so stupid...

[MarilynMerlot]

(Long-time lurker in a real slump)

What it says on the tin really...man pursued me old-fashioned style, like real courting if you know what I mean. Made me feel desired and special, then dropped me like a bag of wet chips when I reciprocated (and I'd been carefully vetting this behaviour in my head for months to make sure it wasn't just love bombing and he wasn't a player!) Looking back of course he was happy being unavailable, hot and cold, still talking to someone else and only enjoyed the playtime romance feelings. Feel an absolute idiot and thought I was done with this feeling in this decade!

Does it get any better? God, I hope so.

I can tell you now, the On line dating supply shop is alive & well such that women of any age, up into their sixty’s and upwards can be played & dumped.

Once a player, always a player until they are too old and need a nurse.

Gird your loins and carry on! Let’s hope it does get better for you. 🤞

Sorry to hear that

Is this someone you know in real life or from online?

I do online too but this was a real life friend of a friend, thought that might be a bit better somehow. Obviously not!

Oh you poor thing, just draw a line under it, and move on. There are decent men out there, don't lose heart.

I think it's just an ego trip for a lot of men

So disheartening isn’t it - it’s happened to me a couple of times in my dating stages. Even when I’ve been an experienced and ‘cynical dater’.

I also have been reserved, kept up my own things alongside dating, played it cool if you like but the minute you start thinking ‘ok I can start to relax a bit here’ they’re gone.

I find it Bizarre and I do understand the thrill of the chase but surely after 40+ it’s just exhausting. How can you be bothered to still do it.

I did feel like my job was to be ego treats dispenser sometimes, but also...in hindsight he's never asked that many questions about me or my life. I think you're right - a nice little ego trip for him! Wish I could get over the feeling of being mortified is all.

That's it exactly! I really thought ok, he's spent time proving himself, guess I can relax a bit and finally say 'I love you' back. Poof! Man-shaped dust devil blowing down the driveway.

he said I love you?

He did, but words are cheap I guess.

Bumping as I'm feeling rather sorry for myself today. I just want to stop feeling like the dumbest woman on earth. I thought I was wise to this shite by now.

@MarilynMerlotgive yourself a break, you had good intentions, it’s on him, all you can do is believe who they are until proven otherwise, no one can be 100% foolproof, this is what getting to know someone is all about.

Men like that never grow up op
i watched Ghosts of Girlfriends Past on Netflix yday about this shit

That's really helpful actually, you can only believe who someone says they are until they prove that image wrong. I can't forget the dismissive way he brushed off the conversation where I pointed out how inconsistent and weird this all was and how it wasn't working for me. Like he actually thought my hurt was funny on some level. Day 5 of no contact and he keeps trying to text me back in.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Some men are giant babies and just can't cope with anything real.

I'm a great believer in actions over words. People can say anything it's quick and easy and costs nothing. Actions however take effort so give a much more reliable picture.

No doubt he does like you he's just weak or cowardly and needs to run away once he feels something might actually be expected of him.

Interesting he's crawling back now you've kicked him to the curb. Stay strong.

Just block him

I had this experience about fifteen years ago and it still makes me angry with myself!

He spent about three years trying to reel me back in with sporadic contact. I think he had a personality disorder and some MH issues caused by an abusive childhood.

Put me off men for life tbh

@GatherlyGal that's what was so confusing, the actions aligned (Making consistent effort, etc, never felt hot and cold), it all looked great. Until I said I love you, too.

I know it's not the done thing and it's block and move on for some, but have you asked why he's done it? Why he's said he loves you then the moment you say it back he's off?

Yeah we did have the conversation, well, i tried to. He laughed when i cried and said he'd told me he loved me with no expectations and hadn't done anything wrong. I'm leaning towards some kind of disorder myself at this point because what kind of fantasy dickhead.

I bet if you search on one of those ‘are we dating the same men’ Facebook groups he’ll probably be well known

I’m very sorry You’re so upset, OP. But trying to suggest that this man’s behaviour is due to some disorder is not helpful. He’s not mentally ill just because he acted like an idiot.

Some men (and women) enjoy the high you get as a budding relationship advances and culminates in either sex or a declaration of love. But the feeling is not deep enough for them to want to follow through to the natural next stages of a relationship. In other words, they love the feeling of falling in love/lust but don’t love the person enough to want to commit to them long term.

The problem is, they probably know this from the start but can’t be transparent, because then the other person withdraws. And that’s where the deception lies. Not in some mental health issue they have little control over.

Stay strong & block him gal. Men do this just to prove to themselves they have options, inflate their ego at your expense, he's a sad little man trying to prove he's 'still got it' and being immature.

I had this about 12 years ago - someone I had known for years and now we were both single.

Then he said he needed to finalise his divorce and would be back in contact when that happened. Fine. Wasn't overly bothered, it can take a while.

Fast forward a couple of months and I looked on his sister's FB, to find he had got married the month before 😂😂

Lucky escape - he looks ruddy awful now and his kids would've done my head in

Chin up @MarilynMerlot his loss and he will go through life leaving a trail of women saying "phew -lucky escape"

Hello, from what I have read, this is all on him. He led you on and then backed off. Not you.

I think you have done well, but must be very disappointed. But not all men are good, you know that. You simply have to chalk this one up to experience and press on.

At the end of the day, you know what you want your future to be like. This one isn't good enough.

Take two weeks to cry and bemoan it all, and then pack it away and get back out there. He is nothing to do with your future. Luckily you haven't wasted much time. Remember who you are and where you are going x We have all been there!