How to learn to trust again after divorce

[Tinkerbell98]

Hi guys hope all is well. I’ve been divorced for a couple of years now and I’m in my 30s with 2 kids. I was in an abusive relationship and I had a lot of trauma so I’m finding it impossible to even consideer trusting a man again or having another relationship. My father also left my mother and cheated on her repeatedly so I’m surrounded by men who were untrustworthy. Is there any hope or tips on learning to trust again or knowing if a man is worthy of trust? It seems I’m not the best judge of character. Thanks!

My view.

No-thing is permanent. Love hard always and if they cheat, you dump, pick yourself up and move on. They didn't deserve you. But how you feel when you're in love is the best feeling and is who you are.
Living with them, getting married, or having a conventional relationship is something else. Which I wouldn't do again.

Thanks just don’t know what to be looking for in a trustworthy man lol

Worrying about tomorrow takes away today's peace. Looking for trust is using too much energy and is constantly making you watchful. Drop all that and enjoy life, your love, your lover and have fun. You'll survive another cheat. You'll survive another relationship breakdown.
As for everything else, finances, house, cars, friends, family, hobbies, jobs, they are all yours, no one else's, keep them safe and with your stamp on them. Everything else is outside of that. If they cheat, treat you with disrespect, gas light, ghost, abuse, you'll find out, when you do you fuck them off.
Everything is and should be on your terms.

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

I am sorry you've been hurt like that, OP. When it comes to trust after someone hurt you - nothing is more powerful than common sense. Think about it in simple terms.

Any man you will meet in the future will have nothing to do with your ex. Whatever your ex has done has nothing to do with him, treating him a certain way for something your ex has done is pretty unfair. This potential future man would be the exact same person if you never met your ex, that is how little relevance your ex's poor behaviour has in the context of a new relationship.

If you are held back by the hurt caused by your ex, you may not be ready for something new. It's good to learn from mistakes, that much is true... And actually, you don't have to meet a new man, it is not mandatory if you are not comfortable with the idea. Whatever feels right and natural.

Thanks alot

No haven’t heard of that

The key isn’t in learning to trust another man, it’s in learning to trust yourself. Trusting yourself to spot the red flags, trusting yourself to have higher standards than the last time, and trusting yourself to bin them off as soon as those red flags start waving. When you come out of an abusive relationship your self-esteem is in tatters. Only once you feel strong again will you feel strong enough for dating again. The best of luck to you. x

Don’t rush it. That wariness is there for a reason!

The control you have is to have a wait-and-see attitude. People will reveal their true selves over time. Sometimes not until after the honeymoon stage. Meanwhile, you can ask in general terms about their relationship history (not details you don't want to know--more like how long their longest relationship was and why it ended). If a person in their thirties has never gone beyond a 6 month relationship, that's a red flag. If they admit to cheating, another red flag.

Players guard their phones like hawks. They might have a huge harem of only female friends. They lack relationship boundaries.

If you don't see any red flags, make sure they share your dating style and life goals. Have standards and don't give passes and 2nd chances for majorly bad behavior. Learn the difference between minor flaws and dealbreaker behavior.

Good luck in finding a keeper.

Does anyone know if there are any typical signs to look for in a potential cheater?

Someone else asked this in another thread recently. The one thing I would say to this is that this angle will not serve you. We are all very different, we all deal with guilt inside (if there is any), and it would have different signs for everyone depending a lot of things. So it would be very easy to get the wrong idea if you take someone's examples and focussed on them. You would be focussing on certain signs that are suggested to you, but they might not reflect the truth about the husband. Or he might have other "symptoms" that were not suggested to you and you'd miss those. You can do your research on what he's doing, talk to him, etc, but "typical signs of cheating" is not an exact science, so I recommend not going at it from this angle.

Thanks that makes sense

Everyone is a potential cheater. It's how you are within yourself that matters. Self esteem, self confidence, and having a love for yourself that is caring for yourself. It looks after your MH and well being. It doesn't doubt itself.
Work on this!! Then it doesn't matter what a potential partner behaves like. You will be able to discern and make decisions based on your MH and well being. Even if it means being on your own. Good MH, well being, peace and contentment, happiness, does not come from another person.

Thanks yes I definitely agree which is why I intend to stay single for a long time

These are very wise responses.

Trust yourself and your instincts, do not lay all your happiness potential on another person, keep your own life, your own friends, work on being a secure person so that you are happy to walk away and be on your own if/when he reveals his true colours. Don't think you can "save" anyone and don't expect anyone to save you.

I learned this the very very hard way. I wish I'd understood before.