Struggling to move on after abuse, betrayal and difficult co-parenting

[Clmtxxx]

I suffered narcissistic abuse before, during and after pregnancy, although it was at its worst during pregnancy.

This person also cheated on me with my supposed best friend by having an actual relationship with her behind my back during my pregnancy, whilst I was having a mental breakdown at 6 months pregnant. The three of us all worked together and shared the same circle. I found out through a colleague when my son was 2 months old.

Meanwhile, he was also trying to win back an ex (by harassing her), denying our child, denying me and my 'friend' and begging her to abort her child she had with someone new and come back to him.

He accused me of baby trapping him and turned anyone he could against me. When in fact, he admitted he impregnated me purposefully to make his ex jealous.

When I found out about it all, I was blamed for my reaction and shamed for it.

I was financially abused, manipulated and my new relationship ruined by his interference. I had to find a new job, cut off our entire social circle. I lost friends.

We now 'coparent'.

I haven't been the same since. 2 years later, he has been in a happy 10 month long relationship and I am still here raising our child more or less alone. He is no trouble to me whatsoever now, hes just a lazy parent.

I cannot find anyone and Im starting to think theres something wrong with me. Im okay alone but I am tired of it now. I want everything a good relationship brings.

How is it fair.

Why cant I just move on from this? I keep getting triggered randomly and suffer with PTSD. There is no therapy to help unless I go private which I can't afford.

I am in a better place than I was, new friends, new job, a gorgeous little boy, a blessing really. But I still struggle DAILY.

I have done everything the experts say to do. I have hobbies etc. But I still feel empty. Ugly. Annoying. Not good enough.

I think I have ADHD - I am extremely sensitive too which doesnt help.

Im 31 and I dont think I will ever be the same. I am so sick and tired and hateful about myself.

I think you have done absolutely amazingly OP by building a new life for yourself. What a strong person you must be.

I think you can't underestimate the effects of abuse such as that which you experienced from this man. Plus the betrayal of your friend.Healing from it will take a lot of time. All you can do is be kind to yourself and try to concentrate on the positive in your new life.

I doubt whether his new relationship is a happy one. Or if it is happy it won't remain so. A man who uses babies as tools to be created or aborted to enable his love life is a psychopath. In fact the whole of his behaviour points to that.

I don't think you're giving yourself nearly enough credit. You've been amazingly strong to get through a horrible traumatic time in your life and you have rebuilt a life for yourself. You're working and taking care of your child. You've made friends and are managing to coparent with the bastard who treated you abominably. I think you're a fucking hero and a warrior quite frankly!

For a start, you can stop imagining that he's having a happy perfect life in his new relationship - you know what he is capable of and you know that it will all go to shit sooner or later. A leopard doesn't change it's spots!

I know you say you can't afford therapy right now, but I would still go and talk it through with your GP and ask for a referral. Waiting lists are coming down now and you may get an appointment sooner than you think. Also, explore some of the online counselling services like BetterHelp which are quite affordable and can fit in around work and childcare.

You're bound to take time to get over something like this - you wouldn't be human otherwise. Be kind to yourself. I know its sounds a bit woo but daily mantras can really help you in setting a positive state of mind. Just looking yourself in the mirror and saying 'You're doing ok. You're worthy of love and respect. You matter' And also when you find your thoughts drifting into self-critism and negativity, make a conscious effort to stop yourself (techniques vary but drinking a cold glass of water, splashing cold water on the face and wrists, going out and walking briskly for 10 minutes, can all help) break the habit of being down on yourself. Treat yourself like you would a good friend and talk yourself up.

You will have good days and bad days but the bad days will gradually get fewer and you will get there. Look after yourself lovely 💐