Absent father, letter to my adult daughter?

[Skfjrbers]

I need some advice from people who have grown up without father's or raised children without them please.

My daughter is 9 months old, her biological dad will never have any form of contact with her as ordered by the court. As you can imagine, this is because he is extremely unsafe, which unfortunately I did not discover until I was 7 months pregnant. (Though of course I do not regret my daughter for a second)

There isn't a child friendly way to explain his absence at any age, but I am wondering about writing her a letter explaining everything, who he is, how we met, what happened, her half siblings names and some photos, in case she ever wants to explore it all when she is an adult. Of course I hope we can have a grown up conversation when the time comes, but things get forgotten or twisted over time, digital photos might get deleted or perhaps something happens to me while she's still young and she may never have answers.

Is this a bad idea? To be honest I have no idea how to approach all of this.

It is certainly worth writing it all down in detail, as you see the story now. Obviously facts won't change over time but your perspective on some of what happened might. I'm not sure I would put it in the form of a letter addressed to your daughter, that might be something to think about later.

I do think that you should explain in age appropriate terms at every stage of her life, make sure that she understands the failings are his and no reflection on her. She needs to understand that it is the Court's decision to keep her safe by not allowing him to see her, not your decision. She should grow up knowing why he isn't in her life and never likely to be.

I think I’d write a letter but I’m a “letter writer” by nature. Where I’m coming from it’s not a bad idea.

On a day when you’re calm, yes, start to draft the letter. Eventually it will evolve into a script you are settled with.

As life goes on your perspectives might change so you can always go back to it and add or leave stuff out.

Write an impartial view. No point in making it a rant or hugely emotional. Just be a bit circumspect maybe? That offers her the space for questions and a conversation.

You will know when it’s appropriate to offer her the letter but on the other hand she may be totally disinterested.

It’s a shame you’ve had to go through so much. Life has many twists & turns. I hope all works out well for you and your daughter.

A 'later life letter' is what thus is termed as in adoption circles, sounds very sensible.

But also absolutely bring her up 'knowing' even if she doesn't understand. Eg 'he wasn't safe to be around' or 'the judge said he shouldn't see you' etc.

I think that's a good idea but you'd have to walk a tightrope between not vilifying him, which could impact her self-esteem, and not romanticising him or minimising his crimes/behaviour. Maybe just get it all down and you can decide what to share in future?

You could also look into Life Story Work and see how adoption services handle this.

I think it's a very sensible idea Op, since your DC will be an adult when they read it you can be more honest about why her Father was never part of her life. If your Ex has a criminal record or serious MH problems I'd consider being there when she reads it, I'm sure she'll have a lot of questions.

So I was adopted in the 1990s. Not the same thing as your situation but the key thing in my opinion is that the child should know the truth from the beginning. From as soon as it’s realistic to feed it into discussion - with appropriate language and an appropriate amount of info. It should not come as a surprise at any point and they should never have a feeling of not knowing something key.
You could start when they’re 4ish and notice they don’t have a dad and say you do have a father somewhere in the world but he wasn’t a very nice person so we choose to be safe. My birth father had been in prison and that was included in what I was told from a young age. I could cope with it because my parents were pretty matter of fact about the details and showed me endless love and support in all areas of my childhood life. Kids can cope with difficult information. The worst thing would be giving the child this information when they are a teenager and it blows their world up. A document with key facts you remember might be useful. They might want it one day or they might not. I never wanted to have anything to do with my biological father and never will.

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I will take them all on board

I think that’s a good idea, my dd is 20yo now and has never met her father. I have a box with everything I have related to him, if she ever asks for more information I’ll give it all to her.

Growing up I just tried to explain that families come in different shapes and sizes and focused on the people in her life that love her.

She did get upset occasionally when she was younger about not having a dad, I just acknowledged that it was sad for her.

I also agree with the previous poster about nothing should come as a surprise to them when they’re older.

I think it's better to try and explain his absence in an age appropriate way as she grows up - there will be times when she asks questions about other children having Daddies and that gives you opportunities to chat with her and answer any questions. I think it's really important to be as truthful as possible without giving frightening or upsetting details. My friend was in the same position as you and didn't tell her daughter anything other than he left and she didn't know where he was. Once her daughter hit teenage years, she became insistent that she wanted to find her 'real' dad and then my friend had to sit her down and tell her that he had been very abusive and violent and that she had to flee with her baby and get a restraining order to keep him away. This caused no end of upset and really blighted her teenage years. Better to be honest from the start in an age appropriate way.

I think certainly write down key information so you don’t forget it and print some photos. But I wouldn’t write a letter (unless you cathartically feel you need to get your own feelings out on paper). This is a real person who will grow into a life under your guidance. How you will explain things now will be different to how you want to explain things in 5 years or 10 years. Things with her dad aren’t static. More stuff unfortunately will happen. What is appropriate for her to know at 4 and at 8 and at 12 and at 16 will be very different. There won’t be one day you hand over a letter and dump all this on her. It will be just part of her life.

My dc have been brought up having no relationship with several close family members that all their friends have close loving relationships with (for similar reasons, because they are a risk to them). It’s an ongoing conversation. But also I’d caution not to make too big a deal of this. Lots of people grow up without a dad…and it’s fine. She will hopefully have a warm loving family with you and she won’t be missing out and I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on mythologising her shitty absent dad. Be honest with her, but don’t make a big deal of it.