Ex still in my head. Help me evict him?

[PancakesForElephants]

I'm more than 2 years on from surprise news from ex that our 25+ yr relationship was over, no discussion. Obviosily there was someone else. We share a teen DS approx 50/50.

We now live separately. I ignore ex as much as possible. Polite texts re money/info for DS, arrangements mostly self manged by DS. In person, I can barely even look at him. I don't ask him in. We spend v little time together, doesn't happen often but did for last DS birthday. We have a few mutual friends who occasionally will invite us both to things. DS doesn't like seeing us together but can't articulate why. Probably Bc it's a mindfuck for him, it still is for me. Ex was deluded at the start that we could continue as friends and nothing much would change except we would no longer be together. We had to live together for a while while we sorted housing. It was awful, he was happy as larry with his new gf but refused to move out.

I had a horrible vivid dream the other night that has unsettled me. In the dream I had a massive shouty row with ex and told him all the things I wish I'd said, all the wankerish things he did and I let him, including low grade sexual coercion (he'd sulk without some sort of weekly sexual contact until I gave in even though he was highly aware I didn't want to). It went very wrong in the dream and he ended up squaring up to me and threatening me physically with a blade. No physical violence during our relationship IRL but he kept a tight lid on himself and absolutely couldn't bear anger or any heightened emotion from me so he trained me to shut down i guess.

I woke up shaken, and have been re upset this week. I'm so tired of this unresolved stuff. Even though I despise him, I don't feel that's very helpful to move on. I am struggling with being responsible for everything in my house and the future but absolutely don't want another relationship.

Any advice? I want to get to indifference. Ex is a total dick, the scales have fallen from my eyes. But he's still living my rent free in my head and I miss the stability of someone having my back.

Back to therapy maybe?

I think a great deal of it is you just need time. However some of their stink hangs around and maybe it is exactly that - you never had your say. In the immediate aftermath you were likely too shattered to do so. I didn't have my say and I hate to say it but after 10 years and a second marriage I still occasionally dream about the situation. The good thing is I wake up and think thank fuck he's gone. You really are very early on in the process so cut yourself some slack.

Thanks @corblimeygvnr . How long did it take for you to feel free?

OP, cut yourself some slack. Twenty five years takes a lot of getting over, and a “horrible vivid dream” is not real life. He’s always going to be in your subconscious and indeed your conscious mind, as the father of your DS, but as time goes on, you will become more indifferent. It’s very hard (and takes a lot of energy) to hate someone for a long time, even if you have good reason to do so. Your ex sounds despicable, dropping a bombshell that you two were done, and there was someone else, and that sort of shock in itself takes a while to get over. Indifference will come, OP. He may do things that will make you temporarily cross, but for the most part, he will just fade into the background, as them non-person in your life that he has become.

Do I need to actively do anything to move on / get to indifference?

Or is it just time? I feel like I'm just a bit stuck, waiting to have processed the betrayal and breakup. But I'm not sure I'm processing it?

It's hard to say - maybe 2/3 years? One thing I did do was a group mindfulness course and this really helped me look at life and myself in general a lot differently.