Should i stay or should I go?

[Sophia24x]

Where do i begin? So I found out a week before I gave birth to my second son that my husband was cheating on me for 18 months that began 2 weeks after giving birth to my first. I saw messages but he denies physically sleeping with these people.
I reached out to his mum when I found out as I felt I could trust her. However when I told her, she wasn't empathetic and didn’t want to help by speaking to him. As a mother, I would be mortified.
Since, a couple of weeks ago. He had the app back on his phone but renamed it and when questioned about it, he scurried off into the kitchen to delete the app. Claiming he was just buying weed from there.
Our marriage is still in that limbo of whether we will remain or divorce. I am struggling alot. I have no support system, if my family knew they'd be mortified and have only just begun appreciating him. With my mother in law, I am noticing she is not accepting what he has done. He got annoyed that I told her, when I contacted her she denied ever speaking to him. Saying why would I lie to you. But the following day, admitted it all so I have no one I can actually trust.
He is with holding physical intimacy telling me he feels uncomfortable and doesn't want to be that way. But am I crazy for thinking that I know he can, I saw the filth in the messages. His reason is that we argue too much which he claims is abuse and begins to compare our marriage to my parents marriage which ended in divorce when I was young. He tells me that staying with me is torture and how he doesn't care what happens yet will say he wants this to work and that I need to wait until he is ready.
I am really really lonely. My routine is the same, get up, look after the children, go to bed. He has told me that he is staying for the children first and then said how he wants us to work. We've been together almost 10 years, married for 5. I am just not sure what the best way forwards is? I have contemplated divorce many times. But then children, finances and the marriage make me think it could work...but i am not happy.

LTB LTB LTB.
Leave the bastard

Leave!

Leave him. What an arsehole he is.

I just honestly feel sometimes im going insane. Yes we argue, fight and shout. But why would he say that its torture the last 8 years. Why didn't he leave then? And to compare to my parents marriage where my mum suffered and us as children with dv is incredibly saddening to hear. Yes there has been occasions things have got quite heated - both sides but not every single week, everyday or every month.

It's the mind messing of then he also wants things to work.

And to feel completely let down by my mil who said that her and my fil will speak to him but they havent, and she lies about speaking to him. Is insane to me.

He doesnt. He isnt arsed. You are no effort to him.

I feel he doesn't care now

That is because he doesn't care. And he has told you that.

You're right, he did tell me that. Im such an idiot honestly. I hate the contradiction of i don't care to, oh I want things to work but my pace?!

If you have to come to a forum to even ask the question you already know the answer.

You'll tell him to leave and then suddenly he will care then a cycle will begin, eventually you will get out forever but with regret

His parents speaking to him won't change his lousy ethics. There are zero reasons to cheat. A mature, mentally healthy person tries to fix a marriage through counseling, communication and self-improvement. If that doesn't work, they divorce and then are free to diddle whomever they want.

He's withholding intimacy? Why would you even want that under these circumstances?

Leave what anybody else would think or say about a divorce. You don't have a right to decide how other people's marriages survive or end, so why do think anybody else has a say-so in what happens with your marriage? It's your one life on the planet and you're miserable, so you're the only one who can fix this. So my obvious opinion is that you should divorce, but when is the question. When the children are old enough for you to go back to work, do you have a viable career to go back to?

If not, I'd be like a roommate to him (not be intimate) and while he is at home in the evening, you could take a career course or evening higher education classes to get a degree or certificate or whatever it is that will get you a good career for when the children enter school age.

Don't tell him your plan of divorcing right when you're done with school. I'm not saying you have to stay with him until the children are school age, but having him there to care for them while you achieve a higher education will be advantageous for you. You could even try to see if his parents will watch the children when he can't so you can get some study time in.

In the meantime, you can go behind his back if they offer one free session for legal advice. That might set your mind at ease about things you might not be aware of, where hopefully you'll get good news about your rights and how to properly go about the process. Knowledge is power.

OP your DH is rewriting history by telling you that the least 8 years have been horrid for him, all done so that he can hold onto his ego outwardly should you decide to leave. It is very telling how he feels about you and the children the way he blatantly messages people and takes advantage of your trust and love. He is showing you all this while throwing you enough breadcrumbs so that you stay.
all done to confuse you and make you think its you and that you are going crazy.

What you need to do is find your worth even if he so desperately tries to make you feel less than, you need to find your worth and leave. For your kids sake as they are learning right now what relationships are through you both. And staying becasue of them is really horrid to learn later on as a child and a burden to carry for them too. So rather than think that you can change him, plead with him, cry, or whatever you attempt to do to get through to him is a solution that may work but only for a short while till he reverts back to a pig.

You need to see your own worth and not let this excuse of a man decide that for you by telling you stuff like "oh I have been so unhappy for 8 years fgs who does that?

I promise you this though, should you decide to leave and start moving towards the exit he will plead, and cry, and this is where you will faulter as he will very likely revert to the person you fell for ones upon a time. Dont fall for it.

Its all an act to hold onto his own ego, and so that he wont have to start doing laundry or take actual responsibility for himself. Men like that are simple creatures. And please refrain from going to his mum, she aint it for advise now or going forward.

If you do not have your own bank account, make one.
Get your marriage licence certificate. passports.
Make a plan to leave, or better yet, give him an opportunity to leave, albeit I doubt he will as again its about saving his ego, and any comfort he may have with the house you already have. But please find your worth.

This is unsalvageable unless you want a miserable life with no dignity leave him and move on

Of course you should leave. He's cheated on you and continues to treat you badly - there is nothing to stay for! Stop involving his family - they are never going to be on your side. Tell your own family and make plans to leave, now.