ILs issues- wwyd

[allymccoist]

My BiL has been in touch with my dh recently to say that my ILs are hurt and upset that they never see us. The way he has expressed this is quite unkind, in particular he refers to us “spending all of our time in X town”. This town is about 40 mins from where we live and is where my DM lives. She is recently bereaved having lost my dad a year ago and over the last we have been spending a lot of time with her. We all love seeing her and supporting her and I hate the thought of her being lonely, whereas my ILs have each other. But BiL is clearly referring to us spending time with her, ina round about way.

I wonder if my ILs are jealous of the relationship my DM has with the dc, but the other thing is that we do actually see my ILs regularly, every few weeks, and in fact spent two weeks on holiday with them at Easter! They can be quite hard work and don’t make much of an effort with me or our DCs so I was actually surprised that they are upset we don’t see them as they seem quite uninterested when they do see us. I would also prefer that if there is an issue, ILs to raise it with us and communicate directly rather than via BIL. They aren’t the best at communicating however.

I know everyone will say this is a DH problem. He feels the same way as I do but seems to struggle to broach this with his parents. He has tried but they have brushed it off and the conversation which we feel needs to happen hasn’t happened. I find it hard to accept that there is a narrative being peddled about us behind our backs which is untrue. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?

They struggle to address it with you both - so go via your BIL Your DH struggles to address it with them... you all have massive communication problems. Why not sort it out at big family meal with them all (ideally in a public place) and just air some views? You need to press reset. It's very likely they haven't even taken into account your mother's bereavement - unless they know her socially? Met her once at your wedding and now it's out of sight out of mind. Face to face is the only way to handle this.

But is it untrue the narrative? You by your own admission say you do spend more time with one in-law than the other. They clearly have an issue but are are not close enough to discuss with you your husband will need to sort this one out, why does he not take the children to see them when you go and see your mother. Have you truly calculated the difference in time spent that would be a starting place, if it unfair what do you propose to do, are you willing to change ?

They have known my DM for 26 years (dh and I have been married for 19) and they knew my Dad very well too. I agree it needs to be aired and would prefer to do it face to face but any conflict seems to get brushed under the carpet.

I don't understand 'seems' - you start the conversation. And continue it. Don't let it be brushed under the carpet. Come from the standpoint of wanting things to improve but that everyone needs to have their say. It won't work piecemeal or random family members saying random things to other random family members. Have a big old meal - in public! - just to celebrate the loveliness that is extended family - heck, take your mum along! And just talk seriously and normally about how everyone can best share their time to enjoy combined family life.

this has forced me to calculate it, yes. Over the last year since my dad passed away we will call in on my DM often on a weekend, but not every weekend. I do see her on my own without dc, this has happened for the last two weekends. But we have been on a two week holiday with ILs and see them every few weeks as I said. So I feel it balances out.

DC are teens, busy with exams, sports, Dof E volunteering weekly, becoming more independent seeing friends etc. we both work FT. I lt can be tough to fit it all in and please everyone.

OP this is not your problem to solve! Let your DH deal with BIL and PIL if he wants to.

I'd just say to BIL that you're surprised they feel that way as you see them every fortnight and you recently spent two weeks with them. If they have already forgotten that then they probably need to see a GP. It's a shame dc don't stay little forever but we all need to adjust as they grow up and have their own commitments.

There's no point trying to force a direct conversation if they won't have one, you're better off getting BIL passing back the message you want to pass back.

Also - if they're not making much effort with dc I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

How do they know how much time you are spending at X town? If I were you, I’d cut off their source of information (either stop telling them, or stop telling whoever (BIL?) is telling them) and carry on as usual.

You by your own admission say you do spend more time with one in-law than the other.

She spends more time with her own ecentlybereaved mother. Give your head a wobble.

OP you spend as much time as you want with whom you want. Same goes for your DH. Refer BIL to your DH and then ignore it all.

Leave it to DH to deal with. If he avoids it and they say stuff to others, so be it.

“ wonder if my ILs are jealous of the relationship my DM has with the dc”

No, they’re envious of the relationship you have with your DM, which clearly they feel your DH doesn’t have with them. It’s the eternal problem of parents and ILs, that usually a DW is much happier to spend time with her own DM than with her MIL. How far away do your ILs live? I know my own DS and his family see his MIL far more often than they see me for two reasons: they live much closer to MIL, and MIL is widowed whereas I have DH. Can’t you just ignore BIL? If PILs want to say something about how often they see you, let them say it to your face, rather than in this ridiculous roundabout fashion.

I see my DF very frequently as he helps with childcare and he comes out with us on days out as DS loves him. Whereas my ILs never want to leave the house. I don’t go and visit as they smoke heavily indoors and it’s horrendous, so DH goes on his own. But yes they moan they don’t see anyone, but make absolutely no effort to ever come and see us.
you don’t have to see everyone equally Op, if DH feels it’s an issue then he can go see them more.

How do they know you are seeing DM regularly. Stop telling them. If they ask directly be vague.
you aren’t going to satisfy them, they want you to prioritise them over your mum.
do they live far, do they travel? Have they got much on or are they sat waiting for you.

OP, you are visiting your mum for a totally valid reason, you and she are still getting over your loss and lLs have precious little empathy if they can't see that. I wonder how they know you are seeing your Mum regularly anyway, it's really not their business. Also, as you say your kids are teens now have lots going on in their lives and may not want to spend their free time visiting grandparents.It sounds to me like you all see the lLs more than enough anyway!
You are right though, it is a DH problem and l would pass it on to him to speak to BIL and lLs, and carry on doing what you are doing which definitely sounds more than fair to me.

This. Not your circus, etc. If your DH can’t/won’t communicate effectively with his parents or brother, then it will remain, as it is now, his problem.

They live about an hour away, quite remote. They tend to prefer us to go to them and for things to be on their terms, eg if we go to a pub or cafe they have suggested it’s great, if it is somewhere we suggest they will pick fault with it.

Who cares? OPs mum has lost her husband, of course shes going to need more support, in-laws arent little children who cant grasp that and need time split between them 50/50.