Should I stay or should I go ?

[DaisyDaisy133]

It’s taken me a lot of courage to write this so please be kind. I’ve been married over 40 years. I’m beginning to think my husband, in his 60s, is autistic. I retired early a few years ago and he retired more recently. I don’t know whether it’s because we now spend more time together but he gets on my nerves constantly. He’s become forgetful but won’t admit it. He leaves cupboards and drawers open, leaves tea and coffee stains behind without wiping them away, eats his food like it’s going to be taken away any minute, spills some of it on his clothes (pretty much every meal), dribbles urine on the bathroom floor after he’s had a wee, sits “watching” the news or political programmes with his eyes shut (he says he’s concentrating) etc etc. I make all our meals, clean and tidy the house, washing, ironing etc. His day consists of get up around 8. Walk the dog. Use the computer, have lunch, use the computer, have tea, use the computer, walk the dog, watch tv in a different room to me (he doesn’t like what i watch) then waits for me to go to bed (I usually sit reading for a bit) then he watches the tv I was watching until 1am or later before he then goes to bed. I’m usually asleep by then. We’re pretty comfortable money wise as we both had very good jobs and good pensions now. We’re a few years off state pension yet. I feel like I’m caring for an adult child. We’ve not been intimate for months and even when we are it’s an effort. I’m questioning if I’m better being on my own, I feel like we’re just housemates anyway so I probably wouldn’t notice him not being there. I don’t know where I would go if I left tbh. His pension is better than mine but I’d be ok. The house would have to be sold too. I’m sat here writing this on my own, he’s once again in another room. I’m not sad at the thought my marriage may be over by the way. I would be absolutely fine on my own, I’m not sure he would be ok though. I know, deep down, he loves me. He just never says it, or shows it. I’ve given up too. His childish (? autistic) behaviour annoys me too much to want this for another possible 20+ years. Anyone in the same boat ?

I think I’d look if these new very selfish behaviours were recent, or building over time.
I think it’s really common but he’s not in his 80’s or 90’s. Lots of men his age are still working/active.
He is probably stuck in a rut and is now quite content in it. He gets to lob tea bags around and piss on the floor and his carer/nurse does all the graft.
When you think about TV characters like Victor Meldrew, it’s not just you it feels like an age old issue.
You could have two decades of this and by the sounds of it he will require care before you do.
I think in days gone by women literally had to wait it out - and they coined the phrase ‘merry widow’ for a reason.
Before you make any drastic steps I’d start to build my own life a bit. My dad was quite happy at home whereas my mum lived her own life a lot of the time and left him to
it. I loved him, he was a great fella, but my mum always wanted to be more active so she just got out there and lived a bit.
Take a few baby steps before you make a big leap.

You really do have a lot invested in this, and I imagine he has too. If you were my friend I'd say to sit him down, tell him you’re unhappy, and why. As kindly/honestly as you can. Make it clear the housework and daily effort need to change / become equal. Then judge him by what he actually does off the back of that.

I don't think you could have been married to a man for 40 years and only now be thinking they are Autistic OP. Do you actually know anything abour Autism?

You have every right to be upset by his behaviour but to look to Autism as a label for it is very insulting to those of us who are Autistic.

I would leave.
He won't want to change. Plus he wouldn't be able to even if he did want to.
My ex was similar.
I am so much happier now I'm free of him.
Good luck!

Leave if you think you would be happier on your own. Do you have children? Other family?

Sounds like my life, although my husband is 8 years older with multiple health conditions…. he’s never bothered to read up on what they are and relies on me to keep him as healthy as possible. I cope by, about twice a month meeting a friend who lives in London and staying one night, doing something good for the soul while I am there. I also accept any offers of a day out with adult children and visit my elderly sister weekly.
The prep for these activities is huge but they do recharge me and I appreciate them no end. I also walk every day for at least 5,000 steps and more if possible…
I always pay by returning to find he has done something in the garden that involves ladders/ grinders/ varnish and the food I’ve left is untouched and sometimes potted out medications not taken.
I have toyed with leaving, did for one night, but 47 years are hard to abandon and the guilt I would feel if he fell, got sick, hurt himself keeps me here.

If these are relatively recent changes in behaviour, have you considered whether this might be signs of early onset dementia?
Of course he may just be your common or garden arse who thinks you’re there to be the household appliance and his slovenly behaviour is good enough for you. In which case please think seriously about leaving a man who gives you little to no thought whatsoever.

yes I have family members who are autistic. My husband displays similar traits to them hence my reasoning. I didn’t mean to sound dismissive of autism. I think I’ve only noticed his behaviours due to him being at home 24/7 now he’s retired.

Well actually your post is actually very offensive. You make a list of upsetting behaviours and make the assumption that these behaviours are a result of autism. Absolutely unbelievable.

I think you’ve misunderstood. I could list a lot more behaviours my husband has which are linked to autism/ADHD but I chose not to. I’ve mentioned autism/ADHD to him in the past and he agrees he probably is autistic. I’m not meaning to sound rude.

My ex was like this, well he was mid 50s, worked and we didnt live together, but the messes, the urine dribbling, the gormless behaviour. I came to the conclusion its misogyny - she'll clean up after me, why should i bother. And also I dont think they mind urine spots on the floor and stains all over the counter and sink. Anyway, I am 100x times happier without him around, maybe you will be too. It makes me so sad to think of women all over the world wasting their lives cleaning up after these grotty old fools.

These assumptions of autism are offensive, a lazy useless man and he’s autistic? seriously

My ex was the same. Left a trail of destruction all round the house, mess everywhere. cupboards and drawers open and taps running. He could not change. He is the same now he lives alone so it was not sexism. He is definitely autistic. Sorry of it offends you, but that's my lived experience, which seems very similar to the OP's.

Actually it's really easy. If the partner is what would in the old days have been called Asperger's, and masks well, and it's even easier if you yourself are ND.

What needs to be understood for people our age is that it wasn't even on the radar that somebody could have gone through school, got well qualified, held down a well paying job etc etc AND be neuro diverse.

ADHD hadn't even had a label invented when we were younger and "autism" was profoundly disabled children in special schools.

I realised my OH was ASD when the stress of our last house move blew all his lifelong masking into shreds. We been married 42 years at that point.