Anyone else have parents who are loving in person but distant after visits?

[Seniorcit]

Just wondering if anyone else has inconsistent parents?
Mine visit us and literally cry when they’re here because they’re so emotional and overcome with happiness being around my dc, they buy tons of gifts, and tell them how much they love them over and over.
Then they leave and we barely hear from them until the next visit. I try to text and call but they don’t seem to want to engage much and they rarely initiate any conversation (they used to before I had dc). I send photos and videos of the dc but they barely respond. They never ask to visit, I set up every visit.

Last time they were here dd(3) got sick during their visit, they seemed to care a lot whilst they were here, but after they left they never asked how she was. If I went to someone’s house and someone’s child became ill, I think I’d check in within a few days with my best wishes.

To be very clear I know they don’t have to give me any more time or energy than they want, I’m not looking for any more from them. And they are never rude or cruel or anything else and I know I’m lucky compared to most, I just find it confusing.

I simply would not read too much into this. There is something very biological about our children and we love them- I ve got a few , now grown up. There iss something quite refreshing about them being grown up too. I think , as we get older we still love em but are pleased they're now independent and we can finally re - live our own childhood ( which was alwaaaaaays the plan while being tied - down with kids) This is just all it is : we love having our freedom back to do anything we want. Its selfish , yes. So sorry.

Have you tried speaking to them about it?

I wonder if they find it so hard to say bye that it's easier for them to disengage as a way of coping, since they get so overwhelmed when they see you, especially if you're a long way away. Maybe they don't want to pester you with texts if you are busy.

I would set out what you would like and see if they can respond to that.

@paddleboardingmum we are about 35mins away from them. They’re fit and healthy and regularly drive much further. I once asked if they’d like to see us more, and they said no. I didn’t really want them to feel pressured so I haven’t really brought anything up again.

@Voneska I don’t mind them disconnecting a bit, I’m an adult. It is a shame when I see friends who have parents who want to be very involved in dgc lives (I don’t just mean babysitting!) but I know that’s their choice and I accept that. But it’s more the way they are so intense when they are with us. When I see them they act like and talk like we are really close and involved in each other’s lives.

You asked if they'd like to see you more and they said no?!

😳 Blimey.

How often do they come over?

It does seem as if all the ott emotion is a bit all for show ...

Well not quite as bluntly, but they said they probably couldn’t make it work with their schedules, even though they’re both retired.
They don’t have to make extra time, but it’s really confusing when they act like that one minute and the next they’re in my house crying as they hug my dc.

We see them once every 6-8 weeks usually for 1-2 hours.

OK - well that's fairly minimal. I mean we see inlaws less often but for longer - 4/5 hours. But they're 2 hours away.

I agree it's really odd crying and weeping when you're only half an hour up the road and it's their choice to see you every 6 weeks or so ...

They only live 35 mins away?! I assumed they were 3-4 hours away! They could pop over for a glass of wine/cup of tea after work! The tears seem like an odd over-reaction when they live so close and could theoretically see you much more regularly!

Do they like your H? Because I know a friend and her H who don't visit much because their daughter's H is such an obnoxious overpowering boor that they can only handle short visits every few months. They don't tell her this, because that would create pointless tension (he is her choice, they accept it), but that is why they are so distant. Their daugher complains about it and they are evasive, they say they're really busy (although both are retired).

They seem to like him. Obviously I couldn’t say for sure but he’s not always around when I see them anyway. He works away a lot and works long hours, it would be easy to see us when he isn’t around if they wanted to.

That’s a shame for your friends dd. She is clearly reaching out to them and looking for a better connection, if it were me I’d want them to say since the relationship is clearly facing tension or being damaged anyway.

In their case, she insists that he's included in everything. I met him at one of their BBQs, he inserted himself constantly, monopolised conversations, said racist and sexist things, yelled at the kids constantly. Everyone was tense trying to deal with him, except the daughter, who seemed oblivious. I know they tried to tell her at the beginning of the relationship that they found him hard to deal with but it wasn't received well at all. So I guess they have found a middle ground by keeping their distance.

But in your case, your H seems unlikely to be the cause of this distance between you and your parents.

I do think it's quite odd that they show such strong emotions when seeing the kids and then there is zero once they leave. It seems like a case of "out of sight, out of mind", and performative behaviour.

Maybe you should ask them directly, in a non-confrontational way, why they are like that?

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta that’s fair
I don’t really feel like I can bring it up after I’ve said we’d love to see them more and asked if they’d like to see us more and they’ve said no. If I mentioned it now it would feel like I was saying that they had to see us more, or that I was policing their emotions?

It’s just so weird. I find it really unsettling every time we see them. I think dc are all too young to care but I’m a bit sensitive about them feeling the same in the future