How long did it take to get over your marriage ending?

[HowToHeal]

How long did it take you to get over your marriage ending? No infidelity. Just the relationship that had done it's time but still very sad nonetheless.

I'm a year in and it's still so hard. He is very happy with new partner etc. I'm floundering around feeling lonely, lost, stuck in a grief cycle. We still live near each other becuase of the kids so I feel like I can't ever escape and rebuild properly.

Ok when it first happened ( which was years ago ) but I do still wonder what life would look like now if we'd worked on it .

Hi OP, I’m two years post separation, nearly divorced, similar situation to you, nobody else involved etc…

I’m not sure what the answer is but I guess it’s different for everyone. I think just keep putting one foot in front of the other until you start to feel better. Is there something you enjoy that you know does you good? People you like spending time with or somewhere you like to go and feel better? Try to do a little more of what makes you feel good, I didn’t get much time without the kids but could get cover for 1hr of dance class per week, doing that was the start of recovery for me.

Interesting question. I think my marriage had ended some years before it actually ended iyswim? I just wasn’t brave enough to finish things so we limped on.

When the end finally came I felt relief.

It's completely dependent on context. Some will be clean and you can move on sensibly. Some will be horrifically messy and drag on for years.

I was able to move on fairly quickly due to the circumstances (I was cheated on pretty horrifically), but the work I had to do for that to happen was, and remains, the hardest thing I've ever done.

I don't know if it's any help, but what I did was to constantly tell myself "Do the hard thing". Keeping your environment together is hard? Do it anyway. Going to group therapy is embarrassing? Do it anyway. Going to the gym is exhausting? Do it anyway. Being overly social is scary and draining? Do it anyway.

Moving on isn't easy, but it is your responsibility to yourself.

I hate that all our friends are mutual. We were together for 30 years. I barely know anyone who doesn't know him and making new friends is so hard in your 50s.

I'm five years post-separation, and despite ongoing post-separation abusive behaviour from my ex, I'm well and truly over him. I do still talk about him (always in annoyance) far too much. Might take a while to get over that. I'm working on it.

I think I turned a corner once all the formalities/arrangements were done, and there was less interaction. For me that was about three years. It will vary depending on how long you were together, how much ongoing interaction there is, how much friction there is, and whether you've invested in other good things in your life (friends, hobbies, work, maybe dipped your toe in dating if you are in a good place), and also crucially, if you've accessed some help. My therapist was brilliant at helping me put things in perspective, and get me to stop asking 'what I could have done better/differently' and be curious about why I stayed in a deeply dysfunctional relationship for so long. Good luck, OP. You will get there.

Maybe go to a yoga class or some such nearby? Lots of lovely middle aged ladies - fit, fabulous and in various relationship stages.

About a day

My DM said two years.
She was 52 when DF left her for another woman. They had been married for 29 years.

A year is nothing after 30 years together. Don't be hard on yourself. If you're still getting up, going about your daily life and putting one foot in front of the other, you're doing great!

Maybe this is the time to take stock and make some changes in your life - you have the freedom to do what you want without having to consider a partner. Grab that freedom and run with it. Plan some adventures. A city break, a spa weekend in a lovely hotel, a Mediterranean cruise, a new hobby, an exercise class, volunteering, charity fundraising, joining a social group and making new friends... the possibilities are endless!

You've been through a bloody awful time. You deserve some fun. The only person responsible for your happiness is you so go out and grab it 💐