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Friend always cancelling our plans

14 replies

Rosyred82 · 14/06/2026 13:59

I have a friend, let's call her Jennifer, who I have known for about 7 years. We met at our children's playgroup. Jennifer left the playgroup after a couple of sessions as her child wasn't settling there.

Although we chat regularly by text, we have only met up twice in 4 years, both times for a coffee and catch-up.

The thing is, Jennifer frequently texts me suggesting a meet up and then cancels the day before, giving various reasons. She does this every couple of months and every time, cancels. This has been going on for 4.5 years. I have come to expect the meet up not to happen but go along with it as I don't have the heart to respond any other way. I stopped suggesting meeting long ago.

I don't know why she does this. Maybe an anxiety?! She wants to meet, likes the idea of it, but for some reason, can't go through with it. Maybe she does this with other friends!? I myself have often been happy and willing to go on a night out with friends in the past but when it's come to it, not fancied going. I still go out, but if did pull out, I wouldn't keep arranging these things just to let friends down.

Jennifer has text me today saying hi, after cancelling a few days ago. I haven't replied yet, I'm struggling to. I feel quite wound up by the situation but don't want to be hurtful by blanking her or by highlighting the blatant pattern of canceling. She arranges these things, not me.

How would you handle this? Would you carry on the farcical of agreeing a meet up but knowing it's not going to happen, or actually say anything about the cancelling?

I am at work on a late lunch so I won't be able to check replies for a few hours. Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
auserna · 14/06/2026 14:01

I think I'd just let it drop and not bother to reply. She's just wasting your time.

GCAcademic · 14/06/2026 14:01

You’ve been playing along with this charade for 4.5 years? My god.

BreadInCaptivity · 14/06/2026 14:05

GCAcademic · 14/06/2026 14:01

You’ve been playing along with this charade for 4.5 years? My god.

This….

Just drop her. Stop responding to her messages.

She doesn’t care about you or your feelings so why are you so invested in hers?

whippersnapper55 · 14/06/2026 16:02

Why are you so concerned about hurting her feelings when she shows an absolute disregard for yours?

If you've put up with this for 4.5 years then I'm sorry but you're a complete fool. There's no way I'd let anyone treat me this way and keep coming back for more. Maybe you need to think about why you've just allowed this to go on for so long.

Bimblebombles · 14/06/2026 16:08

If you value her friendship and want to continue, maybe try suggesting things last minute e.g. "I've got a free afternoon, want to come over?" that kind of thing. Maybe it is an anxiety thing as plans loom ahead and she might prefer more spur of the moment suggestions.

I have found some people I know do like firm plans months in advance whereas others prefer a more ad hoc approach. I have different friends for difference scenarios!

Lizzbear · 14/06/2026 16:17

I’ve got a friend like this. She cancels 80 percent if the time. But she has a problem with alcohol and I think Thsts why she’s so unreliable. It’s been going on for few years and it is hard to be rude to them, as they’re the ones making the arrangements. I see you op!

Rosyred82 · 14/06/2026 16:35

Lizzbear · 14/06/2026 16:17

I’ve got a friend like this. She cancels 80 percent if the time. But she has a problem with alcohol and I think Thsts why she’s so unreliable. It’s been going on for few years and it is hard to be rude to them, as they’re the ones making the arrangements. I see you op!

Yes my friend has a problem with alcohol too and I know she has some personal issues so I have considered all of that when she cancels. If she didn't have these things going on then I would have cut her off ages ago but it's hard when you know someone has struggles. I just don't know how to deal with it when she asks to meet up. Just cutting her off seems harsh.

OP posts:
Rosyred82 · 14/06/2026 16:37

Bimblebombles · 14/06/2026 16:08

If you value her friendship and want to continue, maybe try suggesting things last minute e.g. "I've got a free afternoon, want to come over?" that kind of thing. Maybe it is an anxiety thing as plans loom ahead and she might prefer more spur of the moment suggestions.

I have found some people I know do like firm plans months in advance whereas others prefer a more ad hoc approach. I have different friends for difference scenarios!

Thank you, yes I do think it's more complex that her simply just changing her mind.

OP posts:
ScorpionLioness79 · 14/06/2026 17:02

Since you don't want to cut ties, I'd change things up when she asks to meet you somewhere. I'd say something like: Instead, I'll be home this week Tues. and Thurs. mornings, so you're welcome to come by for coffee on either of those days.

In that way, you're home anyway, and if she cancels, it might be less stressful for you when you hadn't planned an out-of-home meeting.

GreenOpalFruits · 14/06/2026 17:27

I just really couldn't be arsed with that

Rosyred82 · 14/06/2026 17:27

ScorpionLioness79 · 14/06/2026 17:02

Since you don't want to cut ties, I'd change things up when she asks to meet you somewhere. I'd say something like: Instead, I'll be home this week Tues. and Thurs. mornings, so you're welcome to come by for coffee on either of those days.

In that way, you're home anyway, and if she cancels, it might be less stressful for you when you hadn't planned an out-of-home meeting.

Ooo yes, that's a good idea! Thank you!!

OP posts:
FelicityShagsWell · 14/06/2026 18:11

I'm sorry but you're not rehab and you don't owe her anything. I'd stop even being in touch with her.

IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth · 14/06/2026 18:14

You've met twice in four years? Surely she's an acquaintance rather than a friend? I'd have knocked this on the head long before now.

Seriphiacandytotz · 14/06/2026 19:37

Block her completely

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