My mom is remarrying after my dad’s death and I’m happy for her… but I feel like I’m slowly losing my place

[Joshken]

Not really sure how to explain this without sounding selfish, but I really need to get this off my chest. One of my friend told to post here and for context I'm 15 year old boy

My dad died suddenly two years ago. I’m still not over it. Some days I function fine, other days it just hits me out of nowhere. My mom is 44 year old was obviously devastated too, but she held everything together. She took care of me, worked hard, and made sure we were okay emotionally and financially. I’ll always respect her for that.

About six months ago, she told me she was dating her boss 46 year old. They’ve known each other for around 20 years. He knew my dad. To me, he was always more like an “uncle” figure, so I was shocked and uncomfortable at first. But I also saw my mom happy again for the first time in a long while, and that mattered to me. I told myself I was okay with it.

Last week, they took me out to dinner and told me they’re planning to get married This August at destination wedding, His kids (three teenagers) already know and said yes. They live with their mom, but after the marriage, my mom and I will move into a new house my mom and her boss are buying together. His kids will visit on weekends and sometimes weekdays.

And that’s where the fear really started

I feel like I won’t have a place that’s truly “mine” anymore. Weekends used to be my time with my mom. Now those weekends will often be shared with his kids. They already have their mom full-time, and now they’ll also get mine. I know that sounds ugly to say, but it’s how it feels inside.

Another thing that really hurt, my mom, her fiancé, and his three kids are going to a gala on next week and i wasn’t invited. My mom says it’s not about excluding me, but that it’s more of a “family bonding” thing for them, and that she, her fiancé, and I will take a another trip together as our own bonding time.

Logically, I hear what she’s saying. Emotionally, it hurts like hell. Yesterday, my mom and his 16 year old daughter went shopping together for designer gowns for the ball. Today, my mom left early in the morning to continue shopping with them. Watching that happen made something sink in, they’re already playing family. She’s already “momming” them. And I’m on the sidelines watching it happen.

I don’t think my mom is doing this to hurt me. I truly don’t. She keeps telling me I’m her number one priority and that her love for me will never change. I believe she means it. But reality doesn’t always match reassurance. Since she started dating her boss, her lifestyle has changed a lot. New rich friends, high profile events, fancy parties, couples dinners. I’ve never really been part of that world, and honestly, I don’t feel like I fit into it. Part of me wonders if that’s also why I wasn’t invited to the gala

I’m happy that my mom found love again. I don’t want her to be alone forever. But things are changing so fast, and I’m scared of what it will look like after the marriage.

I can’t imagine seeing them together at home all the time ,the kissing, the couple stuff , with someone who isn’t my dad. I don’t feel ready to see him as a father figure, and I don’t feel any connection to my future step siblings. I also feel like I don’t really have the option to say “no” to any of this.

I already feel left out, even though I’m technically still included. I love my mom. I really do. I just don’t want to lose my place in her life while she builds a new one

Firstly I want to give you a big hug, to lose a parent at any age is devastating but especially when you're so young. You post is very thoughtfully written, you write really well, could you show this to your Mum or write her a letter expressing how you're really feeling. My husband passed away suddenly 19 months ago, the grief and pain has been unbearable. Your Mum will have gone through this and probably feels this his her chance at happiness again. Personally I do feel it's too much too soon, I can see you feel that too. Your Mum will always be there for you, I think she's just wants everything to be ok again for you both. Please keep talking, it's not healthy to bottle everything up x

I agree show your mum this post you have written

+1 for showing your post to your mum as-is. You have expressed yourself very clearly.

I agree. I would send her the link to this.

You sound like a very sensible young man.

Oh , what a lovely young man you are and I am so sorry this us happening !
There is a difference between your head ( which tells you your Mum deserves happiness) and your heart .. you feel abandoned… your heart matters just as much as your head and your Mum had forgotten about your heart to an extent.
I also think you should write a letter to your Mum - but also talk to another aduly?counsellor at school ? Samaritans.
Very best wishes.. well done seeking help.. come back if you need to.

Tell her what you told us here. Say you would like to ring fence regular time for just the two of you at weekends. It may be one weekend in 4 or going for breakfast just the two of you every Saturday etc. This is a big change and she probably hasn't realised that having her boss's kids around erodes on your bonding time. Tell her it's very fast and you are doing your best but she needs to work with you.

I've sorry your dad died.

Tell your mom you want therapy. You need a safe space to express things you can't to her.

This is a huge change so soon after your dad's death. Has she sat down with you and asked you how you feel about this? And if so, have you been honest? You lost your dad and now you feel like you're losing her in a different way to a new family.

It sounds like she's happy but you aren't and that's where therapy comes in.

I am sorry for your loss. You are very articulate and have thought clearly about this. I strongly suggest you show your mum this post. She really needs to read / hear this. It’s also much easier to let her read it rather than tell her this. Also can you talk to someone at school, a relative, friend or parent of a friend as well? Hopefully you can discuss a solution with your mum such as keeping a special time for just the two of you at weekends. Discuss other things too like what happens if it doesn’t work out with you and you don’t get on with the three kids etc. Wishing you all the best!

Again, OP? You posted the same thing under a different username a day or two ago. I think it was deleted by MNHQ for being fantasy.

I have no choice other than pretending I'm happy

Yes you do have a choice, lovely. You can be honest with your mum about how you feel. It's okay to tell her that this is all happening very quickly for you and you're struggling with all the big changes in your life since losing your dad. 2 years is not a long time and you're still grieving and missing your dad a lot. I would start by showing her this post and then I think grief counselling would really help you. It's a safe space to say the things that you need to say out loud. You've been so brave sharing this here and I'm sure your dad would be so proud of how you're growing up. Look after yourself lovely 💐

So sorry for your loss, @Joshken . I know it is hard. One thing I would like to give you credit for is how collected and mature you are for your age. Many young men your age are nowhere near able to be this self-reflective. Having said that, I would also join the others who suggested showing what you wrote to your mum - at a time when things are calm, it's just the two of you. She is your mother, how you feel will always be important to her. Be honest about how you feel, and talk about what the two of you can do to address your feelings. Enduring, suffering in silence will only make things fester within you, and that will not be good in the long run.

Being vulnerable and honest is often the hardest thing to do, but it is the healthiest way, and that is your best option to make things better for yourself. Trust me when I say this - your mother would want to know what is inside you. And the two of you together can make this all better.

Good luck, I truly-truly hope you and your mom can talk it through. You will be so much lighter afterwards...

I completely understand where you are coming from. I also lost my Dad and my Mum got a new partner a couple of years later. My situation was slightly different cos I am much older than you and i had already moved out of my parents house before my Dad died. My Mum and her partner are not married but have lived together for several years now. I wish I could tell you it got better, it didn't, after we got last the meeting and trying to get us to like him, he made it very clear he was not remotely interested in my brother and I. I tried so hard to welcome him to our family but i can only do so much abd it becane obviois he just wanted my Mum not her children. They visit his children a lot but rarely visit me, despite one if them living very close to me, if they do visit me he is very disagreeable and can't wait to leave. He has made derogatory comments about my house, my weight and my brother. But I have given up, I can't like my Mum's partner in any other way than he makes her happy, he has turned her into an entirely different person and he is part of the reason I have chosen to go LC with my Mum.

That's just my experience. I hope I'm on the minority. It may be better as you are living with him, he may try harder to be kind and bond with you. He may want to be your friend as well as your stepdad, you may get on really well with his kids. I hope for your sake your Mum's fiance is a much better person than my Mum's boyfriend.

I think you do. You really need to show your mum. You’re her priority. She’s checking in with you and asking if you’re ok. You need to be (a bit more) honest with her. Things will get worse if you don’t. You could well get more resentful and feel even more now. It will be so much easier to talk to your mum now and address some of this. It might not change her getting married and moving house etc, but I bet you can make some adjustments that help. It will be difficult but much more difficult trying to talk about this and address this after she’s got married and moved.

Can you talk to someone else? Does your mum have a brother or sister (your uncle or aunt) or her parents (your grandparents) that you can speak to and you can get them to speak to her? That might just be the best way as they might not pass the message on properly… but just a thought.

As a mum myself, I know boys don’t always want to talk about their feelings and it’s difficult for any teen (and most adults too). I’d really want my child to talk to me. A parent always wants what is best for their child and wants them happy. That’s the number one priority for parents. I bet your mum and your relationship is no different especially when it’s just been the two of you. Please talk to her.

I’m sorry about your dad and you are doing brilliantly

there is one thing missing though. You will live full time with your mum and hee husband. You get both of them 100 percent of the time. The others will only be visitors. That’s why they are both trying to integrate her. As they won’t live with you.

i know it’s hard right now in this phase. But you’re the kid who will live full time there, with both of them. let her have this time to try to make them feel comfortable, as their place is the one of visitors. Not yours.

as for fitting in, you’re 15. You will adapt.

There is nothing wrong telling your mother all your feelings. Nothing wrong also telling her you need a protected own place - your room if visitors feel too much, sometimes, and no her forcing you to always be present when they are around for the sake of being nice or polite...

do you have friends? Do you go out at all or is it just you and your mum at the weekends? Do you have online friends?

I also think talk to your mum, but you need to try to think about it from the other kids perspective. Their dad is buying a new house and will live full time with another woman and her son. To them this is a new family. It will be your home. Not theirs. They will simply visit. They will feel they are losing their dad, and like you, it’s changing fast. So right now they are trying to make them feel included and comfortable.

because they will see their dad having a new family. You will have access to him 100 percent of the time. And to your mum. They only get access on weekends and when visiting. They need to split their time between two homes. When they come to visit it will be to your home. Not theirs.

right now it’s hard, it’s such a lot of change, but these seem like two adults trying hard to make this work. Talk to your mum. Listen to her, don’t be worried about fitting in, you will. You’re not being excluded as you won’t fit in. You know this.

try to embrace getting to know the other kids. Getting on with them, there could be lots of support and fun to be had. This is just a transition phase.

I know what you mean, my mum re-married and it was hard to adjust and
in your case it does seem a bit soon, just two years -it's a bit sudden.

With my mum -something, our home life was lost, all her attention was on the new husband. She moved abroad in the end with him, they retired to France, they did up houses and started a new life.
Twenty years have passed now, and in the very long run I think it it was for the best.
He is a nice person and has been a good husband to her and has been welcoming to us, she was ill and he looked after her really well. We had great holidays in France. Now she's in her '80's and I'm glad my mum has had quite an adventurous life and you'll have your chance to have an adventurous life as well soon, try to focus on your own future.

Make sure you have your own room.
Have you had a chance to get to know your mother’s new partner - it doesn’t seem so -I don’t think she’d be upset if you told her that. Or the new siblings. Perhaps you could have some time with the siblings - they are probs ly a bit stunned by this new set up too. Might be worth going to ?cinema ?McDs with them but no adults present so you can relax

Sorry if I've got this wrong but no way would a 15 yr old write all that. If you can write like that, you can sort it out quite perfectly.